Amadeo Sogni

“Don’t talk just listen”

Hmmm…this embed may suck so here.

“Everybody need a pre-nup. People think you gotta be rich to get a pre-nup. You got twenty million and your wife wants ten, big deal, you ain’t starvin’! But if you got thirty thousand, and your wife wants fifteen, you might have to kill her!”
Chris Rock

I do not like people. Well, I’ll revise that. On an individual basis people are ok. In a group I really begin to detest them. Such as:

People in crowded theatres
People at festivals
People at Malls
People at Shows
People on Public Transpo
People on the Internet (they are a special bunch)

In that last group I especially hate this lady. Who I hate even more are the people who feel sorry for her. I’ll post a video later, but I just want to share some thoughts.

A marriage is not a business deal (traditionally). So if someone is rich and you marry them, if you later divorce you don’t deserve to still be rich. Think of it from this angle. You marry someone with no money, divorce and a judge says…you should have less money. Better yet let’s go with the Chris Rock theory:

“Your honor, check this out. I’m accustomed to fuckin’ her four times a week. Now I feel I should be able to fuck her at least twice a week. I mean she can have the alimony, but I want some pussy payments.”

That probably wouldn’t play well in court, but you get my drift. Now, my bigger problem is this. You marry someone rich, get a prenup and then when the divorce comes along you want more. Check it out: unless you helped someone build a company or you picked half the numbers on the winning lottery ticket, you deserve nothing. Seeing as how you married someone after they did all the work. You didn’t do anything. You probably never cooked or cleaned. Hell, I bet neither of you made the sheets. This is what I figure. If in a divorce the ex-wife wants money and gets it this is what should happen. All the house servants and staff should file for a claim and get some money from her award.

“Your honor…she was a bitch, she never finished the food I slaved over AND I had to help her bloated ass zip up dresses. I just want my due.” Give the driver her car. Give the housekeeper the summer home. At least we can prove that they actually did something. These rich (especially second) wives usually do nothing. I could understand if there was a company at stake or some other business. When the issue is look in his wallet and give me some…get the hell out of here. That’s like adopting another child and giving them allowance for life. Hell if that’s the case we should sue our parents for not continuing with our allowance. Sounds dumb? Then you totally understand me. What really kills me is that usually these women are getting something…the thing is they want more. The only thing that bothers me more than this is when people die and leave all their money to a damn dog or something. Come the hell on. What’s worse is that this is 2008. So women like this don’t just demand more. They make videos and put up a website. Meanwhile some poor divorced mother of three whose situation is nothing like this woman’s feels empathy for her and defends her and sends a little money…to the woman who got the summer home and almost a million bucks.

I feel nothing for you. You know how many years it will take the average person to earn what you will get in the prenup? Mind you in one light I do feel this, just not hers. If most of the people I know had to live on a lot less then they had they would be on the street. Difference the people I know all work to earn their own money and will work for years before close to a million dollars passes through their hands. They’ll never have it in a lump sum though. So this lady should just take her $750,000 - have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

Short Round: Indy, I love you. You’re my best friend!

Have you seen this boy?

Look into those innocent eyes and witness what Americans going over seas for pleasure has wrought. Child Labor? Pedophilia? Something worse? Who can say for sure. We do know that he was last seen as a driver for one Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones Jr. He also was taken along through an Indian Temple full of worshipers of Kali Ma…Thuggee cultists. No place for a young child…but that did not stop Dr. Jones. In this Temple Short Round was whipped, and used a slave labor. At one point Dr. Jones even struck Short Round while he was under the influence of the Thuggee “Black Blood”…probably Brandy. Short Round help to liberate the child slaves that were captured by the Thuggee. What did Short Round want? A chance to go to America. After Dr. Jones filled his head with American Baseball and the Yankees and hot dogs…where was Short Round in Dr. Jones subsequent adventures? He probably dropped him at the first orphange in Taiwan and went home. Perhaps Dr. Jones taught him more then just how to drive a car and help him escape from gunfights? Maybe if there had been a Goonies 2 Short Round would have shown up again. Yeah…the eccentric American Professor goes abroad, “befriends” an orphan, endangers his life and tosses him aside. Short Round…Be strong.

How long was the scotch aged?…you savages!!!!

In honor of my search for a Sidecar.

As nice of a person as I am, I do have some snobbish traits. I do have certain things I don’t eat, but I’ve never been one of those, “My food was in the same room as something I won’t eat people.” My snob traits aren’t highly visible but I am willing to express them…freely.

I refuse to drink tap water. I feel no shame. I know the water is different in various cities and states but I only experiment with sex. Plus, I was witness to a demonstration for water filters and the quickness with which you absorb bullshit. Spring water for me kids.

I refuse to drink Folgers, Sanka or any other bullshit coffee. My coffee is ground daily. I prefer French Roast or Italian. I’ll make due with Espresso, but no garbage coffee. I also require cream not the powder shit.

I need a Guiness Stout. I may be in the minority but I consider Coronas mexican piss water (don’t get me started on those who put Grenadine in the shit…pussies). Heineken doesn’t do it for me anymore. The last non-stout I had was Harp and I think I faked myself out cause it’s made by the same people who make Guiness. B.T.W….don’t ever bring me malt liquor. ***Update**** I will drink Sam Adams…that shit is good. Cherry Wheat, Cream Stout or Summer Ale please.

I will only use Listerine. This is more mental. I like clean teeth and the burning sensation is like a placebo. If nothing is happening at least my mind is fooled.

I hate namebrand clothes and choose by fabric. I shun polyester with a passion, it doesn’t breathe. Rayon….kiss my ass. Linen, Silk, Cotton, Irish Linen, Raw Silk, Wool…natural fibers ya’ll. Synthetics can burn in hell.

I only write with a Bold, Black, Uni-ball Vision Elite pen (sometimes the caligraphy pen, but thats for special things). Until I buy something more expensive and refillable, anyway. I refuse all others and subsequently I often refuse to let anyone else use my pen. I will search for ten minutes for any other pen, while I hold mine in my hand, but I won’t let people hold it. So sorry, can’t help you.

Name brand food. The name brand whore in me works for food. The worst thing is when someone finishes off something of mine and replaces it with some store brand crap. Rite Aid brand spring water?!?! Curse you!
No Bootleg Movies. Someone is always suggesting a good bootleg guy and I retch like preppy stuff shirt. I want the DVD with the extras, ok. I want clear quality. Why would I pay half price for a low quality copy with no extras. This ain’t the early 90’s with bootleg music. I can even find that online before I buy it. I would never taint myself with such grainy distorted filth.

No fu-fu booze. Perhaps I am in the minority, but I don’t want any “new” hooch. Scotch, Vodka, Tequila, Gin, and other things that have been around will suffice. No glowing shit. No sugary-sweet shit. I want it to slide down my throat and spread it’s fiery wings in my chest.

Emcee snob. No your favorite rapper does not impress me. Yes, the whisper song sucks. No Biggie and Tupac are not the Greatest of All Time. If you know nothing of Melle Mel’s verse on Beat Street don’t start this conversation. If your favorite emcee is too hard to live than I’d like to kill him. If half of his album sounds like a cheesy B-movie with a bigger effects budget than a storyline…he/she sucks. Hip Hop is over 30 if none of the people you listen to sound like it than you don’t want to ride with me.

“I would like to make a toast to lying, stealing, cheating and drinking. If you’re going to lie, lie for a friend. If you’re going to steal, steal a heart. If your going to cheat, cheat death. And if you’re going to drink, drink with me.”

“Let’s drink to California, way out by the sea, Where a woman’s ass, and a whiskey glass, made a horse’s ass of me”

Anonymous

If I don’t get a Sidecar soon I’m going to kirk out and beat a waitress to death with her serving tray. Twice in 4 days I’ve tried to get one and they both looked at me like was retarded. Look, I know you’re used to dumbasses ordering Fuzzy armpits or Sex in the Backseat or whatever stupid ass drink that Cindy and Todd have 5 of before they end up at an abortion clinic a few weeks later, but come the hell on. This shit has been around since World War 1. If you were at a high class establishment you would have to know how to make it…or at least know to take the order and then find out what it is. It’s a drink not a homemade bomb…I’m sure it’s not hard. Hell I could make one and I’ve never been to bartending school. Next thing you’ll be telling me you can’t make a Gin Martini…I’m sure if I asked for a Apple/Mango/Pinapple/Fruitsalad-tini you could bring me that shit. Additionally if I can tell you what’s in it and at what proportions why are you still looking at me like I just ordered grilled baby arms? This is the problem with being almost 30. Establishments fall all over themselves trying to get 18 - 25 people year old into their clubs and to buy their clothes. The only ads targeted to me are for cars (I’m going to kill the people that put the “black” car ads on BET - so what if I know where I come from I still don’t want a damn Ford!!!), home loans and phone service. Them cat’s don’t have the disposable income that I do!!!! Ya’ll better get your priorities straight. It was bad enough when I was young and asked for a shot of whatever and I’d get a plastic cup. It was bad enough when you wouldn’t have Guiness. It’s killing me that all these places have Sam Adams but only the plain lager. Now I can’t get a damn Sidecar. I swear that I will bring the Wrath of a medievel God down upon the head fo the next person who doesn’t act like they get tips for bringing drinks. Don’t ya’ll have one of those elementary school drink cards with pictures that show you how to make drinks.

Here you go everyone get your pen and paper ready:

Esquire Drink Book
1956
SIDECAR (1)
2/3 Brandy
1/3 Cointreau
Dash of lime juice
Shake with very fine ice; strain into frosty cocktail glass

SIDECAR (2)
(50 Million Frenchmen…)
1/3 lemon juice
1/3 Cointreau
1/3 cognac
Shake with cracked ice; strain

I’ll go with this one:

1 1/2 ounces Brandy (cognac)
1 ounce Cointreau
1/2 ounce lemon juice

I also had one that was an once vodka, an ounce Brandy, an ounce Cointreau and a dash of lemon juice.

“The Sidecar was developed during WWI, when a certain regular customer arrived at the Ritz on his motorcycle (replete with sidecar), and asked the bartender for a cocktail that would help take off the chill. The bartender was caught in a dilema, a drink to remove a chill would appropriately be brandy, but brandy was traditionally an after dinner drink, and his patron was wanting something before dinner. So he combined cognac, cointreau, and lemon juice to mix a cocktail whos focus was on the warming qualities of both the brandy, and the cointreau, while the lemon juice added enough of a tartness to make it appropriate as a pre-dinner cocktail. So a properly made sidecar should betray its roots as a drink that warms your palate if not your bones.”

The customer was an American Army Captain…can Cindy and Todd tell you who invented or first ordered the Flaming Dr. Pepper? An Incredible Hulk? A Sex on the Beach? A goddamned flying fruit fantasy-tini?!?!?!?! I think not. Either you guys get some class or I will climb behind the bar, make the drink myself and use my Zippo to burn the place to the ground.

WWWD:
“Goin’ feral don’t mean I’m goin’ stupid. It’s just that I’m beginnin’ to see other people in a different light… I’m beginnin’ to see some o’ them as prey.”
Wolverine

Roman Bellic: I don’t want to die, man! Not like this!
Niko Bellic: How would you like to die?
Roman Bellic: Having a threesome on my hundredth birthday?

So I got GTA IV this weekend. Ahhhh. This joint is beautiful. They cut out alot of the little extras from the last joint, but everything that is left is so much better. I also like the character background. I wonder though, if all the people (read: dumb white kids) who complained having a black dude would make it “gangsta” are complaining that there’s an illegal immigrant? Ah well. I can’t tell you how much I missed the random violence. There’s nothing like being able to go home at the end of a long day and start shooting (digital) people. Especially with the new aiming system. I’m getting off head shots like a mug. The death animation is great to. Ex: I was riding a motorcycle and ran into the back of a car on the bridge. I tried to get up and got hit again. As I tried to stand in the adjacent lane I got hit once more…with that death blow time slowed down and the screen went to black and white. I saw my characters body being propelled forward by the force of the car. I wanted to stand and yell “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaan!” like Captain Kirk cause it was a bitch way to die…but it did look cool. Not to mention the new cover system makes me feel like a big action star. Nothing like hopping a fence in enemy territory sliding across the floor to a wall and quickly popping up to get off a head shot, then hitting someone else in the knee and popping them from behind as they try to stand up…if I sound like I’m enjoying the violence too much just remember that it’s keeping me from kirking out in the real world. Of course I also enjoy having the police chase me in a vehicle. The only thing is it’s easier and harder to lose them now. One of the old methods won’t work if they see you, but if you just put some distance between you and them they give up. That’s good for when you’re playing the game as it’s set up…but it means I can’t play the game I invented - “The Fugitive”. “The Fugitive” is when you do something to get one star (wanted level) then you start running on foot. The point is to slowly build your stars while upgrading vehicles you win if you can travel the whole map and get back to where you started without dying or getting locked up. I love this fricking game. It’s also funny as hell that you can now get drunk and the cops will try to pull you over if they see you driving. All in all this game may save several peoples lives in Baltimore city. Consider yourselves lucky.

“We need to have a meeting about the daily cocktail hour I’m trying to implement.”
Me to the Executive Director

Let’s face it you work in an office and it sucks. There are always some stupid people. Someone talks to much and drags out meetings. They probably don’t pay you enough and you’re there too long. If you can’t laugh at someone during the day you’re going to die a slow death so, before I leave for my three day weekend (Thank you JEBUS!) I’ll give you guys my collection of tips on making work fun…enjoy.

Handling Meetings:

You don’t have to prove how smart you are. The worse thing about a meeting is length. Even worse is when a long meeting is made longer because every person at the table wants to give a dissertation on every single agenda item. Hey stupid! If you’re really smart you would understand short and to the point…I’m eating lunch after this, move it along.

Supreme lateness. If for some reason you are late…first off make a call beforehand to let people know you will be late and when you enter hold your head high. You had a reason to be late so don’t slink your way into the room. If you are addressed speak loudly and throw bass in your voice.

Grub On. The best part of a lot of meetings is when food is provided. Take advantage! They spent the money and if the meeting is during the right part of the day you can avoid spending your own money on lunch. If you you have sandwiches put one in between two plates and take it with you. If there are bottle drinks, drink one and take one with you. If anyone looks at you funny…ask them to pass you some napkins or something (with or without food in your mouth).

Find the Sense of Humor. So that your don’t lose I.Q. points from listening to people ramble on, find the person in your meetings with a sense of humor. Either the person that will joke or will listen to them. It shaves minutes off of the meeting. Plus if the person directing the meeting is full of shit you have someone to share this with, without worrying about the Brown-Nose effect.

Be Annoying and Unusual. I personally do certain things because they are not proper. For instance I wear shades all day and night. Honestly, artificial lights bother my eyes and give me a headache. This does not stop me from enjoying the fact that I’m wearing them in a Managerial meeting. I also lean back in my chair, doodle, and all other types of things that would suggest that I am not paying attention. My favorite is the short answer. When the Executive Director is going on and on about something he doesn’t like and wants changed, Blah blah blah yackety smackety, tall cool glass of O.J. (that’s the overdub in my mind). I respond with a simple “O.K.”. He goes on a 15 minute rant that would send have most employees placating him with solutions and I respond, “O.K.”

Don’t be a Bobble Head. There is an old syndrom…some say brown-nose, some say apple polisher. Me, I call thoses afflicted Bobble-Heads. The directors words cause the slightest vibration and these poor people go into head nodding gyrations and their mouths start spewing forth statments like, “Yes sir I’m on top of that, Yes ma’am will forward that information, Yes sir we’ve already started that.” The problem is they usually aren’t, won’t and haven’t. The good thing about bobble heads is that when it all comes down they usually don’t know whats going on and when cornered their gyrations turn to full blown convulsions. They also make good fodder for you and the person with humor.

Talking to Stupid People. Despite what we were taught in school education and performance are not all that get people jobs. Alot of people (including myself) have gotten jobs because they know people. The problem is people have hired me because of my intelligence while some people recommend people from their church or extra-curricular activity. This leads to stupid people holding important positions. When talking to one of these people I recommend kicking up your vocabulary and throwing in latin phrases. “Our modus operandi has been to form a symbiotic relationship with an organization. Basically creating a foundation of trust through felicitous practices ensuring future partnerships.” Suck on that stupid.

Show up Administration. Because I am a the frontline staff with the most knowledge of the system and seniority to boot, I often have to go to managers meetings when my own cannot attend. These meetings basically revolve around fear of the Executive Director. Alot of mumbling, hesitation to answer, and basic pussy-footing. This makes it my duty to offer any information (minus the fear in my voice) that I have when the “managers are stumbling”. Nothing looks worse than frontline staff showing managers up.

Disagree Freely. There is a syndrom of scraping and bowing in alot of meetings. So often when someone in charge says something stupid no one wants to challenge it. Do so with bravado. If it’s stupid you can’t sound bad if you attack it logically. It also sends the message that you are not a yes man. Plus the look on everyone’s face that you have dared to contest the mighty dragon is priceless.

Suggestive Signals. Often we are required to speak to people who we don’t like and think are stupid. This combination means you end up repeating yourself when you would rather just call them and asshole and keep walking. Since you haven’t put in your two week notice yet, here is how to entertain yourself while you still have to speak with them. You can: yawn while they are talking to you. Make any and all pointing gestures with your middle finger. My favorite move (sorry ladies I have no equivalent for you) is the Package Grab. When I am speaking to some silly assclown I do a basic nut grab as if it’s the period in my sentence. If they notice, so what. If they don’t I have entertained myself.

Hints # 2

1) Random laughter - At various times during the day I just burst out laughing and I don’t tell anyone why. I have been known to do this in 5 min. bursts. It doesn’t help that I sound like a cross between The Count and The Joker. When people get annoyed…I laugh louder.

2) Throw things - This is a random thing. Ex: I’m walking through the office and someone is writing something, I grab the pen from their hand and toss it across the room. I also do this with papers that people are reading, basically anything that won’t break. If they are looking at something on the table I push it into the floor.

3) Blasting music - Sometimes this won’t work cause people may like your music. I recommend playing things like: Tom Jones - She’s a Lady, Skid Row from the Little Shop of Horrors soundtrack, or Robert Newman’s -Short People (got no reason to live). If your office hates rock…Ironman by Black Sabbath. I also like to play Comedy C.D.s.

4) Make light of your co-workers flaws - One of my co-workers is on a diet so everytime I’m going out and she asks me to grab her a cookie or something I crack on her about her addiction to sweets. “Yo, yo just let me get one choclate chip…it be calling me son.” This will vary with each co-worker but the more they hate their flaw the more fun you can have with it.

5) Inter-office prank calls - I love to find something about a co-worker then call from a different extension in my best white man voice and act like I’m talking business about it (student loans, any type of debt is great). Even better is to have someone call from outside of the office and harrass someone. A good one was my boss having her friend call (as a miscellaneous woman) and say she had been checking me out. The problem was instead of being embarrassed I suggested we go have lunch. It would have been good, if I had been shook.

6) Computer Backrounds - There is nothing worse than getting up to do something and coming back to your computer and the backround is changed to something like this.

Know the limit…I however go to the abyss - Darkness muthafucka!

7) Offensive Screensaver - I prefer the saver in windows that lets you type in text and then choose how fast to make it spin. People see it and have to find out what it says. Too bad for them mine reads, “Read me loser”. It’s one of those things were you shouldn’t have been bothering with it anyway so you feel stupid when you get insulted by it.

8)Where am I? - We have on of those boards with each staff members name on it and a magnet you can slide to an In or Out Column. I like to leave mine in the middle and in the comments section I wrote, “Physically here, mentally….”.

9) Rubber bands - This is too easy. I had my boss order me a bag of rubber bands in a Staples order. Every now and again one of them mysteriously flies across the room and hits someone. I insist that it’s an equipment malfunction.

10) Creative use of soundfiles - This depends on your circumstance and ability to acquire sound files. For example: One day a co-worker found cause to wear a totally pink out fit. For the rest of the day when she walked into or past my office the theme from the “Pink Panther” cartoon started playing. A client wore some plaid pants that looked like a picnic table cloth and was introduced into the room by “The Teddy Bears Picnic”.

Previous Jobs:

Dishwasher

Old Country Buffet

This was fun, while I recommend that you don’t eat there it was safe for me cause I got to know who to trust. Plus my man who got me the job eventually became a cook so we would place special orders…more cheese in the macaroni sir! In order to pass the time at this job we did all of the following:

Used our free food privilege to make sundays and shakes with special additives like Kahlua and Bailey’s.

Indulged in less, how do I say it…oh yeah - legal activities when taking out trash.

Spray the girls who worked the floor with our hose.

Shut down the equipment to have a battle (lyrically speaking).

Stare down customers who came to tell us about a mess their child had made.

Group Home Tutor

SAFE Managment

This job was okay but I didn’t like the lack of uniformity about how they dealt with the clients. I always dig working with young cats though. The thing is the oldest residents were 17 and didn’t know I was 18. Another thing if you work with inner city youth that hate math…convert it to drugs or dice, muhfukkas can add, subtract, divide and multiply real quick on that note.

Apply sleeper hold to the residents (they liked it what can I say?).

Show the residents they did not corner the market on insults and snappy comebacks.

Ask who did one thing and find out every bad thing that happened all week (snitches!)

Let them crack on each other until I got bored with listening.

After School Program Staff

House of Mercy

I loved this job 5 - 10 year olds. All I had to do was help them with their homework and keep them busy. This was one of the most fun jobs I ever had in my life. Plus some of the teachers at the school where I picked them up from were fine so I enjoyed that aspect of the job as well.

In the winter I would pull the childrens scully down over the face as I let them in the door. After a month there would be a line of 25 children with their hands clutching their hats as they entered.

Dodgeball! Before you think I’m cruddy, I didn’t throw it that hard it’s just that most of them didn’t have the foresight to consider my ricochet skills. If you think I’m mean than I’d like to implicate my accomplice Femi (also known as the Dri Fish) he either participated or laughed at my antics.

Wrestling once again. With the girls I just talk to them and get them to do their homework. The boys always wanted to play or just DO something so I’d promise to “L” them out after they finished their homework. The funny thing is they would run off, do their homework, I’d “L” them out, then they’ go get their friends and come back like - “Mr. Rahsaan do him too.” - “Yeah, do me!” Gotta love the kids.

One of my favorite, yet most draining, activities was making children dizzy. Grab them by the ankle and wrist spin them around and around, then put them down and watch them try to keep their balance. I remember this girl named Dawn would always ask me to let her go so she could fly. I explained to her everyday that if I let her go she wouldn’t fly - for long anyway. She had too much faith in my ability to believe that. She would try to convince me everyday that if I let go she would fly and that was that. I never did let her go, but I enjoyed the debate.

Hints #3

1) Flipping/Moving: Simple as it is I derive a great amount of pleasure from flipping things over on peoples desks. Papers, boxes of tissue whatever as long as it won’t break or cause injury. Even better than that is moving things, for instance: in the midst of writing this I walked over to my co-workers office and put her keyboard under her desk. I’m waiting to hear her response.

2) Fun with Intercoms: In our new office we have an intercom system which I use for my fiendish pleasure. I’ll tell someone they need to focus then I’ll go to my desk and open the intercom to their phone, after 10 seconds of letting them hear air I say, “I hope you’re focused, you really need to focus.” The only thing better than repeating something is being able to say it different ways…I wish my co-workers where bi-lingual.

3) Signs: Since we’ve been in the new office I’ve taken to making signs. Say one day a co-workers was wearing cowboy boots. So I made a sign with a picture of cowboy boots and underneath I wrote: Thank God I’m a country girl. Then I taped it to her door. Another day she kept coughing so I made a sign that said wheezy and when ever she coughed I would slowly raise it over the top of my cubicle. I also save all of my signs to disk for possible future use.

4) Under the table: I’m always looking for something to do, you may have noticed. One day a co-worker was sitting next to me at a meeting and her shoe was partially off of her foot. So I kept nudging it to the point where it hung from her toes. She would fix it and try to pay attention to the meeting. Then I just kicked it all the way off. I also looked around like I didn’t know what that noise was.

5) Camera Phone: The camera phone is a glorious invention! It allows you to do things like, take pictures of your normally professional looking co-workers in odd situations. For instance (I play alot of jokes on her) the same co-worker and I were with some young people at a community service event for Moveable Feast where we had to wear hair nets and aprons. Ya’ll know how it can get with sistas who get their hair done so I had to take a picture of that wonderful visage. Since then I’ve shared it at staff meetings and just general moments through out the day. Downside: since my hair is more than a foot long the hairnet thing did not work out well for me either and I had espoused the virtue of her getting a camera phone as well.

Future of the Workplace:

Let’s get Darwinian: I say that only the strong survive. So if you can beat a co-worker you get to take their lunch hour in addition to yours. There is no limit to how many co-workers you can take out either. Just to be clear, this isn’t just a physical contest. If you bring a stun gun to work and take out 7 people than you earned yourself a 8 hour lunch. This may turn into something real interesting so for those who want to sit back and watch you can just throw a token in a pot and witness others fight over it.

Fifteen Minute Rule: Like when I was in college if the boss doesn’t get to class within 15 minutes of the start time everyone can leave…with pay. This also applies to traffic jams…if you’ll be 15 minutes late you can go home.

Coffee Fling: Sometimes you get a bad pot of coffee (if you’re a snob like me and the office uses Maxwell House than that’s everyday). I propose that if the coffee is not up to snuff you have one of two choices: Fling the pot against the wall while shouting, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” or Reserve the pot for flinging at the next person to say something stupid…your choice.

Might makes Right: If you deal with people (customers) you know that alot of time they can suck. From things like insisting to see the manager because their hamburger only had two pickles on it to acting like their expenditure of $3.45 gives them the right to dig all in you. I say you can meet any complaint with a physical challenge like that old show Double Dare (singles or teams). If you can beat them then they have to shut up. The nature of the physical challenge is up to the one who issues it.

Phrase Wars: Just like the movie Office Space, alot of people spew stupid office catch phrases. I say that the rule is if you say it you must pay for it. Throwing staplers, phones or any other office supply at the offender is acceptable. You can also take it back to grade school and give them a swirly or something of that nature. However Friday Phrases are allowed. By the end of the week you may be so fried that all you can do is spew over used mantras about the relief provided by an upcoming weekend…the exception is T.G.I.F. it’s just to corny - unless you’re at a middle-american conservative christian day camp or something.

Demolition Derby: As opposed to calling a repairman, you are allowed to smash any malfunction equipment. If a fit of rage overtakes you, you can also smash any other equipment in a 6 foot radius of the aforementioned equipment. Smashy, smashy.

E-mail protocols: I have noticed at my job that people don’t understand certain protocols like: typing in all caps is yelling or not to keep replying to a listserve when you’re talking to one person on it and the original email has an attachment that’s 500kb. So when you are faced with such stupidity you are allowed to travel to the office of the person in question and urinate all over their computer. If you’re not comfortable with this (or just don’t have to pee) you can just smash their PC.

Fire Good: When you no longer have to use an annoying form, manual or program it is acceptable to gather all of these items into a pile and burn them. If a manager asks you to speed it up or says anything you must burn them in effigy while mugging them down.

Flirting Rules: When in the office if there is someone worthy of flirting with than that takes precedent. Moreso if you get a good exchange going. Saying I need to get back to work can only be used as a cop out if you can’t think of a snappy comeback. Also anyone who tries to disturb you can be smacked with whatever is handy at the time.

Wanderlust: If you are out to lunch and come across an old friend or an event or anything that captures your attention than you are allowed to devote yourself to it. You do not have to return to work and you do not have to call and explain where you are. Vauge answers the next day are acceptable. (flirting rule applies here as well despite the lack of another co-worker)

Hints #4

1) Running an Errand.
Running errands can be an office workers best friend. It not only gets you out of the office, but if you work the situation you can stay out and do things for yourself. The best things are errands that are not immediate. This means there is a chance to stack things you need to do. Check the location of your errands to see what’s close by that you would like to do. Then run your errands at a time that means you’ll be off when you’re done. For instance. I have 3 errands that will take 2 or more hours. One is downtown. I do the first two at 2:00, then the one that takes me downtown. Then I go to Barnes & Noble, buy a venti mocha and read whatever book looks interesting…I leave at around 4:30 and head home. On the way home I say I’m finishing whichever errand was the furthest and since we’d be off by the time I get back I’m going home…see you tomorrow.

2) Chair Kicking
This one is more simple, but it requires the right equipment. I’ll just explain my set up. We have an intern in the office and two of the chairs she sits in have wheels. I walk up prop my foot on the arm and push. I do this whenever she is sitting down. Sometimes I pull her chair out just so it will move further when I do kick it.

3) Hideaway
I take and hide things from people. Pens, sodas, whatever is handy. In a meeting it’s usually pens. As soon as the person isn’t looking I put their pen on the other side of the table. If they get it back without knowing I moved it I keep doing it, just putting it in different spots. I also do it with sodas…the things is you to move something that will be looked for almost as soon as you move it. It’s more fun when the people really don’t notice it’s gone. You also have to put it in plain sight…just in a place it shouldn’t be.

4) Accent
Sometimes when I have to talk to a supervisor I like to use english slang that they won’t understand…or that at least will confuse them for a minute. Boss: “Amadeo how do I blahzay blah!”, Me: “Keep your Alan Whickers on, get a referral form, fill it out, have blank sign the authorization, call downtown, ask for Jones, get his info send it to him, wait for his confirmation and Bob’s your uncle.” The first phrase threw them off, the directions made them relax and then the last phrase created more confusion. If they ask me to repeat it my response is, “Bugger me.”

5) Calendar
This more fun when you have vacations coming. I like to write things of consequence only to me on other peoples calendars. Like I’ll write a countdown of days til’ my birthday. For example: I’ll start a month before my birthday and every day after put, “_____ days until the greatest day in the world.” I do the same thing for vacations. Sometime I also put things like: Amadeo will be out of the office at 12:00 - going crazy, may not return.

6) Sing a song
Since I am under a new oppressive regime and can’t do all that I used to I’ve had to come up with new material. For instance I sing. Not just any song, but something long that’s likely to annoy people. Last week I sang “The Song that Never Ends” Not familar…here are the lyrics:
This is the song that never ennnnnnnnnnnnnnds.
It goes on and on my friennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was.
They’ll continue singing it simply just because…
Repeat (until someone loses sanity).

There are two goals here one to annoy, two to see if you can get it stuck in someone elses head. I also recommend Muppets songs and things of that nature.

Black, Man and Bo-Bo
While at trainings I introduced my co-workers by the ghetto nicknames I have given them. People aren’t sure if they should call her Patrice, ‘Tricey or what.

Reading is Fundamental
I mentioned once how I made signs and taped them to my co-workers door. One day I noticed that She had taken the most recent two down. So I printed out every single one I had ever done and taped them in chronological order to her door.

Luh Da Kids!
Whenever children come in I rename them and try to give them sugar in some form. My most popular names are Thigh High, Gerberface, Rugrat, Crumbsnatcher and Short Round. I’m also fond of telling the kids how I will beat up someone who is 2 ft or more shorter than me without it weighing on my conscience. But most of all I tell the youngest one’s to break things cause they won’t be held liable for it.

YouTube
I search YouTube all day long and when I find anything that is funny I go and pull it up on co-workers computers with a note that says “press play”. When the boss asks what is so funny I feign ignorance and search for more ammo.

Honesty
For the last month when asked what to put on a flyer or use in a workshop or send in a mailing my response has been, “Sit down and shut your punk ass up.” I also got a dirty look when at a training and asked about methods I mentioned something about hitting kids in the throat and sitting on their chest. People also didn’t like me responding to a question about how to help clients remember that “Pain is the ultimate teacher“.

“I shall be waiting to reward your genius, or to have you beheaded for terminal stupidity! I have spoken.”
Cobra Commander

That’s right, I have toys. I couldn’t help but buy them when I saw them. My childhood reached up and spoke to me. This is what it said,

“GET THAT SHIT MAN!!!! What you don’t wanna buy a toooooy in front of your lady? You better buy that or I’ll give you some issues to deal with on your birthday. That’s right, you don’t get it and I’ll make sure that you’re buying a motorcycle and a leather jacket when you turn 40. You know you want it, I know you want it…hell she knows you want it. Buy it or I’ll throw a tantrum right here.”

Yeah…G.I. Joe is having it’s 25th anniversary and I saw this:

What young man that watched G.I. Joe or played with the action figures did not love Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow? Lame ones that’s who. I have probably owned at lest 4 variations of Snake Eyes….3 of them have been stolen from me. Those were the days. My cousin would come over and we would spend hours setting up some scenario. Once we were ready to actually play…it would be time for him to go home. I was hurt when I thought Duke was going to die in G.I. Joe the Movie. Oh Yeah…I did get the William “Refrigerator” Perry mail in action figure.

Hell Yeah.

Sadly when I got older…my grandmother saw fit to give them all to my cousin. Which is quite depressing now because some of the 25th anniversary joints are re-releases of figures I actually had. Between them and my Star Wars toys I could own two homes by now…thanks guys really. I’m going to bring this up at Thanksgiving…believe that.

There is a G.I. Joe movie coming out soon…I’m not psyched that Marlon Wayans is in it….but Ray Park playing Snake Eyes is bad ass.

If you think I’m just weird and one of those old geeks…I’ll throw my mother under the bus by saying she (I am to) is now hooked on Ninja Warrior.

“In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend.”
Solon (638 BC - 559 BC)

Write down the advice of him who loves you, though you like it not at present.
English Proverb

So as usual when I surf the interwebs I have come across controversy…not really. Most internet controversy is never really controversial. It’s just a reimagining of Godwin’s Law:

“As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.”

This one involved Black Women and relationships. This topic always brings about chaos and thrusts the souls of those nearby into purgatory for however long they keep reading. I won’t go into what started…I don’t have to. Just say black women and marriage or relationships, discuss…you’ll probably end up with the same basic comments. Instead of rehashing I’d just like to build on something I’ve noticed. So here is my message to black women in general:

Who said you were a good woman? - That’s right. Mind you no one denies the existence of dead beat dads, lame brothers and so forth. It does bother me that I see large groups of women discussing them and wondering why they can’t find a good man. I heard that Micheal Baisden asked this question, but I don’t listen so I’m asking it myself. Who said you were a good woman? I mean if you use a class room analogy - there a some A students, some D students but the majority are B and C students. A students never have to complain about the bell curve, it’s the B, C and D students that it bothers. Elementary my dear Watson. If you take a random sampling of 50 black women…how often are all of them truly good women?

To put it another way…take an actual good women then count out 49 women she knows that are single…how many of them would she be willing to try and hook up with her brother (if we consider that he is actually a good man)? I’m pretty certain she’s going to whittle that number down a nice amount. She probably wouldn’t be willing to call all of them her friends. I’m pretty sure that there would be at least 15 out of the group that the sister in question would tell her brother he should avoid at all costs.

All of you are not angels and plenty of you suck. Those of you who may not suck should not let the ones who do slide.

You’re young and obviously not ready - What’s the deal with all the complaints I see from people younger then 25 about how there are no good men and they may never get married? The average age of a college graduate is about 21…probably older. So why the hell would your entire life be set less then 5 years after you graduate? Hell, some of you haven’t even been legally able to drink for longer then a year!!! You are not close to being an old cat lady. You are still, in fact, young…if you are not married by the time you are 24 it does not mean you’ll have to be artifically insemenated. Slow down. This also leads to my next topic:

Come to the Grey area there’s plenty of room - It’s fine to have standards. It’s ok to create lists of traits you would like to see in a mate. The problem is if your list is too specific and not meeting every quality means automatic exclusion from your dating pool. You are not going to find a deaf/mute with a 5 pound dick and a trust fund. You may find a spiritual, educated man with a career and a home…but he might not be 6′ 3″ and like dogs - get over it. Additionally stop putting things on the list that you don’t have. If you live with your mama you can’t demand a man who owns a home. If you don’t want someone who lives with their mama…why would someone who doesn’t want you? If you list starts with money, homes, cars or career…prepare to end up with an asshole who spends all his time away from home. Having priorities and standards is required…having specific physical traits, salary requirements and educational levels is pretty dumb. A college education does not ensure intelligence…if you went to college you should know this. Every professional person I know works for or with a very well educated idiot….all that school means is someone was able to remember and recall information that was given to them. There are people working at Starbucks that I trust more then some executive directors. I understand not wanting to be with a broke ass person…but really the more money someone makes the bigger the chance they are an asshole. Mostly because people like you held that trait in such high esteem that they n0w feel like they can get who and whatever they want…thanks.

100 ways to please/get/keep a man by…some lady - It’s a good thing that you are willing to take advice…really. But get some better sources.
Here is a list of people not to take advice from:

Your bitter ass friend who can never keep a man.
Your bitter ass friend who recently got divorced.
Most magazines.
Your friend that is the only one who doesn’t know her man is crap.
Unmarried single mothers with 6 kids and 7 baby daddies.
Single people who have had a total of 3 relationships…the first one during high school, the other 2 lasted a total of 2 years.
Dudes who are trying to sleep with you.
Your guy friends, who you’ve never met a girl they were dating (see above).
Your friend who gave up on even dating, much less having a relationship.

Good sources of advice:

People (men or women) who are happily married and don’t pretend their relationship is based on fairy dust and kittens.
Old married couples who are not crazy and have only thought about killing each other (they never actually tried).
People who admit to their own personal faults, have regrets and tell you what you should do instead of what the other person needs to do.
People who will point out the mistake your Significant other and you are making.
Guy friends who are not assholes and are commited to a woman (not just with, but actually commited).
Me (I keed, I keed)

He did it, He did it - Frankly, unless you have authority over someone blame is useless…you can’t make them do anything so it doesn’t matter. Time would be better spent focusing on ourselves and the choices we make. All of these issues are cyclical and rely on both sexes accepting behaviors from the other.

If every man got himself together, soon so would every woman because those men wouldn’t be trying to deal with trifling women.

If every woman got herself together, soon so would every man because those women wouldn’t be trying to deal with trifling men.

What we have is a situation with shared responsibility, you can never look at it from one side and assign blame to the other. All are accountable. Since I personally can’t change anyone all I can do is hold myself accountable for my actions. I suggest we all do the same.

WWWD:

“If yer expecting me t’ run over an’ give you a lovin’ embrace, yer barkin’ up th’ wrong tree.”

Wolverine

“Memories don’t live like people do…”
Mos Def

Fuck John McCain. Fuck his medals and his military service. That’s right. I said this about black leaders who did something a few decades ago, but only talk shit these days. My problem is not so much with them and what they do, but with the peopel who want to say things like, “You didn’t do what they did so you have no right to criticize.” Look here short bus, if people can follow around someone who acts or puts out records and take pictures of the gray hair on their ass for public display then I sure as hell can criticize anyone who casts or allows themself to be cast as a leader. Especially if you are running for president. Now old Jim Bob who served in the war and was never quite right when he came back can get a pass. If all he does is sit on his porch and dive for cover when cars backfire…cool. Let’s remind people where he was give him his props and move on. However, if you’re healthy (or appear to be) and allow people to paint you as a War Hero…then we can get all up in your shit. Save for a few people. Audie Murphy for instance. When your list of medals reads like this:

Medal of Honor
Distinguished Service Cross
Silver Star (2)
Legion of Merit
Bronze Star (2)
Purple Heart (3)
French Legion of Honor[1]
French Croix de Guerre (+ Palm)[1]
Belgian Croix de Guerre 1940 Palm

You may be a war hero.

When your list of medals reads like that and when you come home you end up starring a move, playing yourself, about what you did in the war. You are probably a war hero….even more so when you suggest someone else (Tony Curtis) play you in the movie about you…despite the fact that you now make your living as an actor.

You know what really clinches it? The fact that in the 60’s Murphy was trying to call attention to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Something the military is still bitch made in regards to…especially when you start talking about health benefits. You know people weren’t trying to talk about it back then. That’s a Hero.

Then in his Auto-Biography dude praises the other men in his platoon and doesn’t mention his military decorations.

Dude lied to get in and had to fight to become active:

After the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, Murphy (then just 16 years old) tried to enlist in the military, but the services rejected him for being underage.[4] In June 1942, shortly after his 17th birthday (sister Corrine adjusted his birth date so he appeared to be 18 and legally allowed to enlist, and his war memoirs, To Hell and Back, maintained this misinformation, leading to later confusion and contradictory statements as to his year of birth), Murphy was accepted into the United States Army,[3][4] at Greenville,[6] after being turned down by the Marines and the paratroopers for being too short (5′5″/1.65 m)[2] and of slight build.[3][4] He was sent to Camp Wolters, Texas, for basic training[1][6] and during a session of close order drill, passed out. His company commander tried to have him transferred to a cook and bakers’ school[5] because of his baby-faced youthfulness, but Murphy insisted on becoming a combat soldier. His wish was granted: after 13 weeks of basic training,[5] he was sent to Fort Meade, Maryland for advanced infantry training.

All of that makes someone heroic. His daddy wasn’t an admiral and he wasn’t kept in the service despite crashing an amount of planes that would have gotten most pilots kicked out.

Soooooooooo….if people keep calling you a war hero and you won’t even say, please don’t address me as such and then you claim that your service makes you a better candidate…we will get all up in your shit. Expect us. I graduated in the top percentage of my class and had the third highest SAT score in my high school…I don’t run around presenting that as proof of my intelligence. I used to be able to stay awoke for 3 days straight before there was any negative effect…doesn’t mean jack for my abilities these days. If I were to use any of the previous statements to prove something about myself now, then I would expect people to look into my claims and challenge me further. It also doesn’t help when alot of the people who criticize McCain are Vietnam Vets. What have you done for us lately? For those who will ask…Yes I have hge fucking balls. I have the minerals. Fuck his military service. Put up or shut up on what’s going on today.

WWWD:

“It ain’t that simple, toots. The world ain’t black an’ white.”
Wolverine