Since it’s the anniversary here’s the real deal for rememberance.

“I wouldn’t go there if I knew how.”
Dave Chapelle

Some of you may have seen the Dave Chapelle stand up where he broke down some of the Sesame St. cast and other famous cartoon characters. I think that this requires more examination so today I bring you Pre-School Undercover: The Air Ain’t So Sweet on The Street.

Elmo: The newest and most popular edition to the neighborhood is actually a sad story. Elmo has been in the system since birth. Moving from group home to group home until he found him self on “The Street”. Elmo has been diagnosed with ADHD, Restless Leg Syndrome and Lead Poisoning. He tends to sell his Ritalin to Snuffy so he can buy speed from the Cookie Monster. He was brought in so the Street could get some benefits from social services. He also sits on packs since he’s a minor and can’t get a real charge.

The Count: You know his deal. He runs the “entertainment” for “The Street” crew. The Count is an illegal immigrant from one of the Slavic countries. Rumored to have been the Kaiser Soze of his home country. He now focuses on more leisurely pursuits. His monocle comes from a drunken incident with Ms. Piggy. He tried to recruit the wrong broad. While he likes to have fun…he keeps his mind on the money.

Snuffleupagus: A sad tale. Snuffy was just a fun loving guy who came to “The Street” cause he heard it was the place to become somebody. Rumor is he was climbing up the ladder and about to challenge “The Bird” for power. Like so many others he became addicted to heroin and started a slide that has yet to stop. They keep him around as a cautionary tale.

Grover: This is the Meyer Lansky of the crew. He stays on top of operations and if he sees a problem he lets the right people know. He’s bigger behind the scenes, but he plays a part on front street cause “The Bird” wants everyone to know that Grovers eyes are his eyes

Oscar: He was the man back in the day. It was the emergence of “The Bird” that brought about his downfall. He stays on “The Street” for two reasons. First to keep his eyes out for a chance to rise again and second “The Bird” likes to keep his enemies close. He’s an example of what “Bird” can do.

Bert and Ernie: Don’t get suckered in by the straight man and sidekick routine. I also would recommend that you don’t make any cracks about alternative lifestyles. There are a lot of eccentric assassins and these two are no different. Their whole M.O. is to lull you into a sense of strength and then they strike. Just so you know Ernie is the top and the most dangerous. Somebody hurt Bert once and Ernie ripped them limb from limb.

Cookie Monster: Speed Freak and Adrenaline Junkie he is an enforcer for “The Bird”. When a message needs to be sent they send in the monster. He doesn’t deal in death. He’s the one that maims and cripples. The Monster has destroyed more property in his time than Hurricanes have destroyed trailers. If you pay protection money to the street you’re paying to keep him away.

Big Bird: The top of the list, or is it? This is the one that runs the show on “The Street”. He gets a piece of everything. You can get down or lay down. His physical stature is nothing compared to the power he has. He has a name, but it’s tied up in a case. Besides “The Bird” could be anyone…that’s what he tells the cops anyway. There is one person, however, that even the bird doesn’t want to mess with.
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Kremit The Frog : This is the Don. You thought he was just coming through to help kids learn? Get real. The Bird runs “The Street”, but Kermit runs it all. Sometimes he has to come down and remind the bird not to get too fluffed up. He can teach anyone all about “saying goodbye”…hell he already took Manhattan. It was steppin to his woman that got the count hurt. He set up Elmo with “The Street” to groom him to take over. “The Bird” brought in the Monster, but “The Frog” set him up with Bert and Ernie. Some people wonder why “The Frog” isn’t worried about the monster…he’s got “The Animal”

I know most people have been working under the assumption that Lauryn Hill was driven crazy by Rohan Marley. I submit that he was probably the end of the process. So I recently borrowed “The Score” to add to my iTunes/iPod etc. I used to own it…but despite losing it, the version I bought was a cassette and I’m not built for that transfer. So anyway I load it up and I’m rocking it all this morning and something hit me. I recall thinking about it the first year I had the album, but now looking back it just has more meaning to me. My friends…The Fugees had hate in their heart. Now I know you’re wondering why I’ve come to that conclusion, you’re probably suspecting me of some shenanigans. When you listen to the album for yourself you’ll see what I’m saying. Everyone who is a fan, emcee, producer or has any history with Hip-Hop knows this simple truth: The best verse goes last. This is the point within a group where you find out who knows how to be honest and humble. When you write a verse you’re trying to produce the best you can. When it’s time to put the song together, you have to do what’s right for the song. So if the verse that you knew was the best one in the universe isn’t quite as good as the one your partner wrote…they need to go last. It’s different if there are two people, because you need a strong opening as well. So switching back and forth between first and last is easy. When there are three or more people then you start to find out what the deal is. A weak verse can be hidden between two stronger ones, a strong verse can clean up behind two weaker ones. Three weak verses means go get job applications. The hardest and at the same time easiest scenario is several strong verses. It’s not so much a matter of which is better, but which is appropriate for each slot. This is when humility and honesty really comes into play. When your verse is great and ends up in the middle you can feel a certain way when you don’t accept that the others were built more to open and close the song. This is leads me to the insanity that is “The Score” as good of an album as it is, NO ONE come close to touching any of Lauryns verses. The problem is that she is either first or in the middle of just about every song on the album! I’ll present the best example/worst offender of the whole bunch….Manifest.

Just for the record I’ll include the text version of her verse.

You see I loved hard once, but the love wasn’t returned
I found out the man I’d die for, he wasn’t even concerned
And time it turned,
He tried to burn me like a perm
Though my eyes saw the deception, My heart wouldn’t let me learn
From um, some, dumb woman, was I,
And everytime he’d lie, he would cry and inside I’d die.
My heart must have died a thousand deaths
Compared myself to Toni Braxton thought I’d never catch my breath
Nothing left, he stole the heart beating from my chest
I tried to call the cops, that type of thief you can’t arrest
Pain suppressed, will lead to cardiac arrest
Diamonds deserve diamonds, but he convinced me I was worth less
when my peoples would protest,
I told them mind their business, cause my s*** was complex
More than just the sex
I was blessed, but couldn’t feel it like when I was caressed
I’d spend nights clutching my breasts overwhelmed by God’s test
I was God’s best contemplating death with a Gillette
But no man is ever worth the paradise MANIFEST

Look…there are certainly some better verses out in the universe….but I’ll be damned if there are many. Something no one can deny is that this man:

(Picture added so you can boo him on sight)

This man, Pras, has NEVER put together a verse that could touch anything that Lauryn has ever done. That acoustic MTV album….still better then anything he ever did, has done or will ever do.

SO HOW IN THE HELL DOES HER VERSE GET PLACED BETWEEN WYCLEF AND ONE WRITTEN BY THIS INDIVIDUAL WHO CLAIMS TO BE ABLE TO RHYME!?!?!?!?!

What the hell type of shenanigans came about to make that happen? Not only that stellar verse on that one song…but through most of the album. I understand that a group may not want to keep the same order going….but frankly Pras should almost never be the last person to spit on a song. Maybe if you get various friends of famous emcees and give them a song…perhaps then. When you have Lauryn Hill….NO! I contend that whatever type of insanity had Lauryn Hill placed in stupid positions on songs was the beginning of her fall into insanity. I blame those two dudes for not cherishing a precious gem and talent in Ms. Hill and instead putting their ego ahead of all logic and common sense. Thanks guys…thanks a fricking lot.

Check out this link then come back to my rant.

The first time I saw this one thought came to mind. That selfish bitch! In these tough economic times she runs out and uses all the Chase Sapphire points to buy herself a dress. Meanwhile her husband is a team player. Thinking up vacations, romantic getaways and what not. Well guess what, now you got no points left and you sitting around with your husband in his “weekend shorts” . See. You could been boating and dancing under the stars, but no! You just had to run out and think about yourself. Check out the look on her face when he mentions those points. I hope you like modeling that dress in the living room cause it looks like you won’t be going anywhere now. If he had run out and used them points on a 50″ plasma you’d probably be pissed off wouldn’t you? WOULDN’T YOU? It’s cool for you to just run out and buy stuff though, huh? You make me sick.

Rant over.

So I’m not, what you would call, a Beyonce fan. I’m rather indifferent to most musical acts that are popular right now. I have in the past compared musical eras and groups. In a discussion about some of the female groups of the last few years I realized that some special ladies have been left off of the list and I’m her to remedy this. The Pointer Sisters. Yes that’s right. See one of the things about musical acts today is all the “help” they can get. Milli Vanilli probably made people recognize it and C&C Music Factory pushed it further. You could grab a big girl with a great voice while showing people a model chick. You’d have a hit until someone realized that the girl in the video wasn’t singing. From that to the era of auto-tune that lets Kanye sing as well as T-Pain and you start to wonder who can ACTUALLY sing. Well the pointer sisters were coming from a time where singers could sing. Plus in the 80’s people had weird styles so you could just make someone cool. You just threw stuff out there and hoped it stuck normally if you had a good sound it would work. Well the Pointer Sisters had a good sound. Enjoy:

Q: Bishop, you’re crazy!
Bishop: You know what? Last time you said that, I was kinda trippin’, right? But now, you’re right. I am crazy. And you know what else? I don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck about you. I don’t give a fuck about Steel. I don’t give a *fuck* about Raheem, either. I don’t give a fuck about myself. Look, I ain’t shit. And you less of a man than me, so as soon as I figure you ain’t gon be shit, *pow*! So be it. You remember that, motherfucker. ‘Cause I’m the one you need to be looking out for… *partner*!

The other night Juice was on the telly and I stopped for a few because my lady had never seen it (I was shocked). Mind you, I’ve seen Juice plenty of times. It’s the movie that showed me you could really live it up when you cut school (note to self..make sure my kids never read that line). As with all things, seeing it at 30 I saw some things I hadn’t noticed before. One of them being that Tupac played one of the greatest roles in a film ever (yes, ever). Bishop was a perfect character…you see who he can be early on, you see him moving from fear into power into all out crazy. I was able to point out the exact moment after he killed Rahiem that he transitioned. Watching him at the house after the funeral is a chilling scene. Beyond the new revelations there are somethings I have always thought about when I watch Juice. You can tell alot by who people really look to in those movies. I identified with GQ…being caught up in a situation and looking for a way out. It always amazed how many people looked at Bishop like a he was the man (notice how popular Tupac got after that role?). As I came to realize, he was just one of many cautionary tales that people would instead use as a guide on how to live.

Here are my two picks for the most innappropriate “heroes” and their counterparts.

Bishop (Juice) -Crazy is the first term that comes to mind. A better description is the embodiment of “I Gave You Power” by Nas. He starts out as kind of scrappy dude with problems, but once he gets his hands on a gun he (self-admittedly) goes all the way crazy and just doesn’t care. He schemed, plotted and basically went on a spree of murders (accomplished and attempted). Any redeeming quality he had was gone within the first 15 minutes of the movie. To top it all off, without a gun he had to be saved from daily beatdowns by the person he ended up killing.

The Alternate:

GQ (Juice) – Dude really just wanted to kick it with his crew, his older woman and DJ. By going along with his friends in something he wanted no part of he basically ends up having his whole world fall apart around him. He wasn’t tough until he was put into a position to get tough or die.

Tony Montana (Scarface) - You had to see this coming right? So I understand the whole “worked his way up – hardbody – kingpin angle”, but look at what happened. Dude got a lousy woman, was a coked out psycho and eventually got killed. There really wasn’t a “hero” aspect to him. He wasn’t Robin Hood or anything. He sold drugs, took over operations and died with an M-16 as his only friend. Whisky Tango Foxtrot!?!?

The Alternate:

Carlito Brigante (Carlito’s Way) – While he started out in life as a criminal, the entire movie is about him trying to get away from that life. Unlike Scarface he reasons his way through just about everything. He’s telling you before hand what effect everyones action is going to have. Even when he makes a mistake he explains it and regrets it. More than anything this line always stood out to me: “If you can’t see the angles no more, you’re in trouble.” That’s rare in a movie to have the main dude admitting he’s losing his edge. Despite going out at the end, dude spends most of the movie getting laughed at for wanting to go join a car rental business.

I want to say people just cherry picked these movies. I mean how do you make a hero out of the person who goes down in flames? Carlito does get killed, but he also gives his girl the money to get away with their child. Q doesn’t want the rep he earns by the end of the movie. Nobody gives props to Q. More people will cite Scarface then Carltio’s Way. Yet, Bishop and Tony both really had no place to go but down. Bishop actually summed up the situation the best. He felt like he wasn’t anything and now he had the power to make anyone else into nothing. From one standpoint I understand people identifying with Bishop as he starts out, but it doesn’t make sense to walk the path he chose if you’ve seen his example. Yet, many people have and continue to do so. There was a study completed recently here in Baltimore. One of the main points they hit was that 99% of youth victims and perpetrators of violence had some kind of record that indicated they needed intervention before they were ever involved in violence. Not only are we faced with a bunch of Bishops who want to be Tony Montana…but we know who they are beforehand. Despite all those killed or incarcerated over drugs people will still see that as a way to come up in the world…even when all evidence points to the contrary. What makes it worse is that despite being emaulated, Bishop had no real moment of glory. He was still poor, still in the same hood and judging by what Sweets had in the fridge…he didn’t even have the best gun. I guess it’s like Kurosawa said, in a mad world only the mad are sane.

gives up on football for the rest of the week.

Dear Michael Steele,

Damn you. Damn you straight to the darkest and hottest pit of Hades. Honestly, I can’t say I didn’t know this is why you were made Chairman of the RNC. The country gets a black guy, they go get a black guy I get it. However, your response to Jimmy Carter has officially determined who you are. There are some things I take on faith. If the state of Texas says a man shouldn’t be executed, I’ll go with that. When an 80-something year old white man who was raised in the south suggests people are being racist against a black man…I tend to believe him (especially when there was already proof). I watched your response and every signal I’ve seen since your election coalesced until before me was the result of 5 versions of Uncle Ruckus forming a House Negro Voltron. Your election was suspect from the start. Then I cringed internally as Michelle Bachmann “praised” you with a shout of “You be da man!”. Even worse than thinking of every time personally or in the periphery I’ve witnessed some white person make an awkward attempt at relating by regurgitating not just slang…but ebonics, I had to deal with but the embarrassment of you throwing out slang left and right. It became clear that even after only a month your own party was uncomfortable with you in a leadership position. Something I attributed to racism…because hell, it had only been a month. Then you…The Chairman backed down from Rush Limbaugh. When you said what Limbaugh does is “incendiary and ugly” I thought that maybe you at least had a spine. You proved me wrong quite quickly. You know what? You are the Leader of the Party…they elected you. Limbaugh is an entertainer and what he does is incendiary and ugly. So I watched you respond to Jimmy Carter. The more you spoke the less I heard. My head started resounding with with quotes from old movies. “They’s good white folks!” Mind you, it’s already bad enough when one person tries to speak and cover for the venom of others. In light of everything I’ve seen thrown at President Obama, to watch you declare how wrong Jimmy Carter is (meanwhile Limbaugh called him America’s Hemorrhoid) – it broke a dam that was inside of me. Now I have to say it, “There is no word to describe you, Uncle Tom (Uncle Ruckus), House Slave…none of them are good enough”. I hope to not even hear you speak anymore. I don’t know how you can even look at yourself in the mirror. You are worse then any black person they trotted out to speak against Malcolm X and you aren’t even opposing someone as radical. You are worse then a token. You have become the icon of self-hatred and denial in my mind. Worse then calling you a race traitor…you have betrayed your humanity in the name of politics. You are worse then a Remora Fish to everything black. I could keep on describing things that are low, but it would do no good. There is no appropriate word to describe you. From this point out when I need a horribly insulting description I will just use your name.

If you’re reading this you can see I’m in the midst of a do-over. I didn’t make up my mind to stop blogging. I just acted really lazy. However, I should have known, there are too many stupid people doing stupid things in the world for me to stop pointing them out. Hang tight. I have a rant coming later.

Check me out over here today. I’m not dead and rumors of my demise have been exagerrated….were there rumors? Could someone start one about me and Sade and a secret love child? Please?

Die. I know you feel great. You’re really doing something positive and you want to let everyone know. You’re so bothered that I’m not going to sign your petition or whatever the hell it was. I’ll ask you to refrain from trying to lecture me about global poverty and making snide remarks about me “taking a vacation from saving the environment today”. Ahem: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL I DO FOR A LIVING?!?!?!?! I’ll tell you what you stick a pledge sheet for my organization on your clipboard or get some employers to say they’ll hire some of my clients and I’ll sign your crap. I saw more of you guys standing around than we can even afford to employ. I am Mr. Human Services all week long and I don’t want to use part of the first vacation I’ve had since November to dick around with you. Come back and talk to me when you’ve been doing that shit for almost a decade and then try and lecture me. Not to mention you have no idea who I am. I might be developing a sustainable form of energy for use in third world countries. I might be building a house out of recycled materials that I pull out of the gutter. Really all that’s not important. I said I’m not interested so just let that stand. In my mind you’re no different from the guy that was trying to sell me Nestle Crunch when I got back home. Both of you pushed it too far and made me want to put you in the camel clutch. Leave me the hell alone. Especially since there are like 50 of you guys standing in a 10 block radius I don’t want to hear anymore of your talking points. You have two choices: 1) Die away from me. 2) Concentrate on summoning Captain Planet. By the way…you should find a new means anyway….how in the digital age are you gonna save the environment while all of you are out using paper? Way to go…you could have saved some trees by putting this online. Oh, and global poverty guy. I’m fucking poor and I work with people who make less than me. Cry me a damned river. I’ll let you wipe your eyes on my overdue student loan notices…there’s plenty of them. In short when you see me and I say:
No thanks.
I’m good.
No, but good luck.

Enjoy that along with a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

Sincerely,