Amadeo Sogni

New Place Day One, Mood: Sharpening the Knife

See that picture. That’s my new existance. Not only is my direct manager four feet away, but my E.D. is about eight. My manager actually faces my back all damn day. That is the suckiest thing I could imagine. Talk about micromanagment. I should have brought some sage and florida water in here and gave my space a good once over. My E.D. probably wouldn’t like that, she’d rather an official style cleaning. I may need to bring an exorcist in. To top all of this off, I may have mentioned that I have an aversion to artificial light and I wear my shades constantly. Well, I now sit under the worst ones, flourescents. The artificial buzzing demon as I like to call them. When I was in high school they used to give me headaches and people would think I was weird cause I kept asking why no one else could hear them. I don’t know what happened to my desk pumpkin, luckily I don’t care either so that works out. Downside is I can’t throw it now. Bummer. I am Jack’s raging bile duct (Fight Club). If there is an upside it’s that I have better access to steal office supplies now. That has to count for something.

“All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. “
Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

In the last few days I have been conducting an examination of my local executive director. The sad thing is that in my new office - actually bump that- cubicle. I will sit a mere 7 feet away from her office whereas before I had at minimum three city blocks worth of distance between us. Anyway I have been studying this woman for a while and I am certain that some of you may have known a person like this. The same director who did not give the staff from my grant the federally provided raise because the staff on other grants didn’t get one. The woman under which comp time has become a memory. This woman who docked a staff member for the hour it took him to change his tire which caught a flat while out on an errand for her. I understand a few things, this woman is a control freak, she should work in corporate america, and I could make money taking lots on who will kirk out on her first. She is not only a control freak, but it seems as though she has or seeks nothing outside of her job. She works weekends, late nights and early mornings. When she is in the office all she does is work. I mean she won’t even turn on a radio. As a matter of fact I’ve been trying to think what type of music she might listen to and I keep drawing a blank. I can’t even see her listening only to classical. The worse part is she is devoid of any true humor and she can be rude. Frankly she either needs some sex or an ass whooping really, really bad. I’ve had offers to conduct the latter from more than one person…I’m keeping these on reserve. I have no idea what would help this woman. The truly worse part is she is loved by the majority of the board members, however not those who are most community oriented. It was she who authored our move out of our own buiding and into a space in their office. I might have failed to mention that before our youth had two floors on which to relax, now they have a 8 x 13′ space in the basement of our new prison, pardon me, place of business. It bewilders me how a person with her nature makes up their mind to go into human services. This ruthless “efficiency” has no place in a non-profit organization. Perhaps an Enron type corporation or even better an oil company would be more suited for her talents. Somewhere along the way she missed the fact that a person in her position as a middle man between a board and staff should work for the staff. The job of the board is to think about numbers and hard facts. When staff is not happy than everything falls apart. People tend to forget that frontline staff gets the work done. Any success any agency has is directly related to th efforts of frontline staff. Directors can organize and plan, but it’s the staff that makes things happen. Without them you have nothing and more and more people are leaving this organization. So I am still left with the question what makes her tick. Accolades? Is she career minded and driven. Does she just not realize that her goals are unattainable so long as treats her staff like cattle? Does she not accept the fact that alienating clients will bring about the ruin of an agency? Is her need for control blinding her to the reality of what is happening around her? Staff has realized that many of her efforts do not work out as she planned because of her lack of bend. Yes I said bend. It is my understanding that hard and rigid things tend to break. Even rocks errode over time. Something pliable like water tends to have it’s way because it adjusts to the circumstances. Water eats away at metal. It fits through crevices, it crashes and destroys, it surrounds and decays. Water evaporates only to join the atmosphere and reintroduce itself as rain. {channeling Bruce Lee}” Put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot, water can flow and it can crash, be water my friend.” This lady is a granite slab and the tide is slowly rise, just call me Aquaman kids. Not just because I talk to Salmon when it’s been prepared well either.

So by the time many of you see this my computer will be traveling to the new office (read: new to me and I hate it). So I may not get to post for a few days. TEH SUCK! Don’t forget me…I need the attention…really…anyway this sucks.

“Bad ideas for the office.”

So my E.D. from down the street is trying to be decorative…or something. She set up a little fall motif in the lobby of the other building. It’s got a whole bunch of gourds and mini-pumpkins (crap, garbage, et. al.). Then she gave every staff member a mini-pumpkin to sit on our desk. I have been looking for the perfect chance to chuck my damn m.p. at someone. I’ve considered hitting a client with it. The fair thing seems to be to hit the person who gave it to me though. It’s only fair. I figure I need to make it hard to track down (cause she is the type who will) so I’ll have to steal at least two other pumpkins so that it won’t be obvious that I was the one who did it. Then one day as she’s leaving out I’ll hide behind a bush or something…line it up and clock her ass with that pumpkin. Damn mini-pumpkin. The only pumpkin I want is some pumpkin pie and I damn sure wouldn’t take that from her. Don’t give me a gourd! I poop on your mini-pumpkin…well not really I mean it is on my desk. I do have the feeling that someone is going to get hit with this joint though. The temptation is to great. Note to all…if you are a supervisor and it is possible that people may not like you don’t give them something they could throw. That’s like going on stage after you hand out tomatoes. She has to get it…plus I have to work late tonight and I didn’t feel like coming in today at all. It’s pumpkin throwing time!

“Go West young man!”

So, my office is moving. Three blocks down the street to be literal. However it’s an entirely different atmosphere. We are moving under the wing of Gollum (what I now call the E.D. down the street-”Precious Budget”). This program is for adults meaning it is structured different. They work more on schedules. Here I’m used to being open door. When something is going on clients come in to see you. To alot it sounds totally unorganized. However when people are always in crisis it’s hard to set appointments all the time. Plus for alot of clients I don’t even realize how we become that person to tell things. I mean cat’s will drop through to tell us about car trouble or anything. This is what happens when family doesn’t express much interest in your life. Anyway my last few days have been boring and horrible as I pack up for this crappy move and prepare to change my entire working environment. Sucks Much. I may not have many complex posts this week…until I set my computer up down the street.

For those of you who are unfamiliar Incubus had a video called drive in which there are scenes that show the lead singer drawing himself on a page and within the page the actual picture drawing itself. This stood out because they also have a song called “Make Yourself” check the lyrics…

If I hadn’t made me, I would’ve been made somehow.
If I hadn’t assembled myself, I’dve fallen apart by now.
If I hadn’t made me, I’d be more inclined to bow.
Powers that be would have swallowed me up,
but that’s more than I can allow.
If you let them make you, they’ll make you paper-mache.
At a distance you’re strong, until the wind comes
then you crumble and blow away.

This means alot to me. The problem is I keep having to erase and start over. I have made it clear at work, on my blog, and everywhere else that I’m not happy with my job. Easy enough. I also don’t want to just work for someone else. I figure it’s like leaving your lady for another woman. You know what problems you had, but like shakespeare…flying to ills you know not of. I had a plan to get out of this, but some of my variables have changed for the negative. Oh and here’s another surprise (I don’t think I ever blogged about this). I didn’t get a raise this year. I was told that no money was provided (keep in mind I work under a federal grant). I take that and move on. Recently my boss went over the budget and when she subtracted the three staff members salaries she noticed some excess money. She asked our local E.D. who said she didn’t know. She asked again, and again, and again. Finally it comes out that we were provided raises this year, but since the staff under HER grant didn’t get one she didn’t think it would be fair for us to get one. The bullshit is, since my contract’s policy is not to pay out vacation time (unlike her staff) I have to use mine and won’t get paid out like I had planned. Which is harder cause as the longest tenured and most active staff member I am heavily utilized. I have 120 vacation hours. Don’t let me get into my sick time. So this bitch (said with no regret) is preventing us from getting a raise cause it’s unfair, meanwhile shit is already imbalanced. Hell we work on two different contracts! Our money comes from two different places. I accepted the vacation time thing because of this. I can’t accept getting my(our) raise withheld for the same reasons. To quote Chris Rock, “I told you that bitch crazy!”. I’m still having a hard time grasping her reasoning skills on this choice. What makes it worse is I’m like Bruce Banner in staff meetings and I don’t “officially” know about what has happened. So this means not only am I getting less than I should, but the ability to get at least another paycheck at the end of the contract is gone. Originally if the contract ended I could have gotten unemployment and my extra check and took my happy ass off to independent ventures. Now I have to take more time off so I don’t waste it and I won’t get that extra check. On top of all of this by the time the contract ends my term on my car would be up and I was going to take the cash option on that and buy something used and make out. Well to hell with my plans. So here I am erasing the original drawing and starting out again. Best believe I will be making myself. Fuck working for other people. I have come to understand that I need to work for a genius who is also a people person. Since they are hard to find I have to work for me. Someone keeps getting on me cause I have yet to send anything to CityPaper. Freelance writing being one option. I have other things a-brewing, but this current situation really changes the face of my next move. I have to look at the board again. Maybe I should just become a stripper. I did say once I could sell all my stuff and move to Mexico. El venir a la etapa, Trueno Del Mocha! Or something like that.

“For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three. “
Alice Kahn

I am not a mechanic, nor do I claim to be. I am, however, a person that will attempt to fix things on my own. This is general. In the house, on the car, anywhere. I like to know how to do things. This brings me to my beef. I recently noticed that my turn signal had gone up. So obviously I had to change it. So I go buy the bulb. Unlike some older cars I can’t just pop of the plastic and stick in the bulb. So I open the hood and there was something covering it. Since it was getting dark I stick the part away and remind my self to get a wrench so I can remove the obstructing piece and change my joint. Now, being that I am a young black man with long locks and I wear shades (despite that my car is the same thing the undercovers drive) I am subject to be pulled over. So yesterday in my last few minutes at work I go out to change my blinker. I notice I don’t need the wrench, but I can’t access the light. Another guy comes over (mechanic attraction) to see what I’m doing and we stand there for 5 minutes looking under the hood, under the car and come to the conclusion…that I have to take it to the dealer. This is my gripe: Why the hell in 2002 do they have to make it so that you can’t just do things. They want me to be reliant. They want me to depend on them. My man has an old Lincoln and he just pops the damn plastic off and changes his bulb…I can’t. To hell with car companies for taking things out of my hands. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Last time I was at Jiffy Lube and I don’t remember what it was, but the guy was telling me the way the car was designed he couldn’t get to whatever it was and I would have to take it to the dealer. Sumumabitch. Damn you Chevrolet, Damn you straight to hell.

“First rule in the guide…don’t panic.”

I was hiking this path last night with two of my brothers and we started going over random things. Which mythological creature would you not want to come up on? Which one would you handle? Then we started this list, things to not do when the madness breaks out. I call this the Black persons guide to surviving a horror movie.

10) Do not run and seperate! You always see in movies when something happens people just break out and split up. A sure way to get killed. The rule is face it together and if you have to run make sure you stay together. Once you split up that’s your ass.

9) Watch the birds/animals. In alot of movies there are scenes where all the birds fly away or even in dream catcher when every animal just broke out en masse. It was dogs helping cats get away and the people are just standing around looking. When the animals leave, you leave.

8) Don’t stick your hand or yourself into any dark space. How many times have we seen someone get dragged into a hole or stick their hand in and come out eligible for a disability check. Throw a rock. Get a 10 foot pole and stick it in if you have to.

7) “What’s the worse that could happen?” Don’t say that. A whole lotta shyt could happen. That’s the worse question in any movie or situation. You should die just for asking that…and you probably will.

6) Listen. Whenever someone shouts out a warning there is always the stupid person that won’t listen and does what they were warned not to. The result: your situation spirals downward quicker than a stripper on a greasy pole. Use your ears.

5) Pay attention. If someone starts gasping and their eyes bulge and they can’t speak just assume you’ll die if you don’t move. Don’t stand there asking them what’s wrong and what they are trying to say. You will die.

4) Follow procedure. This is an extension of the Ellen Ripley rule. If your mate has something alive wrapped on his face…listen to the person who says put him in quarantine. Listen to the person who wants to follow the rules. They may seem cold and methodical, but they may keep you alive as well.

3) Don’t be the junior bad guy. The one who makes the deal with the bad guy/demon always gets it in the end. You will die. Via the double cross or the protagonist taking you out. There are no deals, just like there’s no crying in baseball. The real bad guy doesn’t want a friend or a co-villan. Even if the good guys are generous enough not to kill you, karma will get you.

2)Don’t get slick. Anyone who tries dip out on the group will die. Think of every movie you’ve seen. The person who exits when the trouble starts always get’s killed and usually he walks right into his death. Stick together.

1)Don’t Panic! Yes, I took this from the Hitchhikers Guide, but it applies. The people who stand there and get crushed by Godzilla were panicing. The one who falls down and get’s caught was panicing. Stay Calm!!! If you are going to die you really can’t stop it. At least you won’t have to die like a little bitch.

Top 10: Stay cool is open to suggestions.

It’s over a year since I’ve been blogging, can’t you tell by the artsy title? I’m older, wiser…I have not accomplished my dream of becoming a lounge singer/gigolo in brazil…but someday. I thought it would be interesting (or at least help me be lazy) to post the one of my firsts. I bring to you all the A.Slim dictionary…that I actually need to add more terms too…

A.Slim Dictionary

COMPARATRON - One who always draws comparisons between themselves and others. Regardless of their personal effort or situation the question always remains “why did they…”. forever attracted to whats offered to someone other than themselves.

DAILIES - one who only thinks far ahead enough to secure themselves with the necesities of the moment. Once these concerns are taken care of all concerns of the future are laid to rest…until the next day when the search continues again.

DIGITAL THUG - one who attacks or aggressively expresses their point in internet chat rooms and message boards. These individuals will curse, type in all caps, randomly insult and do various things they do not have the cajones (balls, minerals) to do in person. Most of these individuals will not address things in any fashion in person.

DUSTY TRAVELER - This man is on the list of a Well Traveled Road. More than likely he thinks he accomplished some feat. He is foolish.

EXADRO (add boy or girl as a title) - one who exagerates, or prevaricates. Making more out of a situation or purposely misleading others to detract attention from their responsiblity in a situation. Also one who exagerates to lend more importance to themselves.

FRONTOR (fron-tor) - a person who fronts extremely, placing them on the level of a futuristic robotic exoskeleton created by military minds for the express purpose of fronting on people. See also: Kwofi, half my clients.

LOSER BOY(or girl) - One who consistantly loses. One who does not come through on the things they say or promise (may have frontor qualities). This person forgets, breaks things, loses things, breaks their word/promises, leaves things behind, borrows your things and loses/breaks them, avoids responsibility, and generally loses.

LOWER CASE G - a male who thinks he is a player, pimp or ladies man. This individuals “game” however is not advanced enough to lock in the average girl much less garner the interest of a woman of substance. The antithesis would be a Captial G.

LOWRIDER - a young male with talent and potential who targets younger silly females to woo. This person may initially peak the interest of females of standing, however, once a lowrider reveals his stripes these females will deride him leaving him with no option but the often foolish unsuspecting young girls to deal with.

PLAYSCHOOL (cats, yo, dude, etc.)[see and speak = speak and spell]
- An individual that does not heavily associate with another, interaction is usually limited to exchanging cordialities. There is not necessarily any animosity between the two in question, but there is no formal alliance.

ROLLER - one who indulges in the abuse of various substances. Frequently mistaken with a pothead or a lush, rollers may pop pills (including but not limited to: e pills (extasy), oxy (oxycontin [oxycondone], percadan, percocet, vicodin,demoral, valium, xanax, and others) or indulge in syrup (cough syrup most frequently containing codeine.) Rollers may indulge in ANY mind altering substance regardless of what you expect from the person.

SCROTUMUS - A person (most often male) who exhibits all the negative qualities of the male scrotum, including but not limited to negative smell, behavior, look, and reputation.

WELL TRAVELED ROAD - A young permiscuous woman. One who has many random sexual encounters. Your friends probably have a story about her so don’t be to proud…you did not conquest her she just added you to the list.

YOUNG WAR - A young person who exhibits quality traits despite their youth. A youth who garners respect of those older them them.

“In dreams we live in a world entirely our own.”
J.K. Rowling via Albus Dumbledore

I dreamed that I had a son the other night. I remember us moving around, me wanting to show him off. The thing was he was just like me. He looked like I did as a child. He was very expressive and he didn’t really cry at all. The only time he almost did I just talked to him and he chilled out. There are two things I really remember about him in the dream besides being a duplicate of me. I talked to him the whole dream and he didn’t talk back but he understood me. The other thing…he had yellow eyes. I mean like mine are brown his were yellow and it didn’t bother me at all. It seemed like he was looking right into me when he looked at me. Save that the pupils were round they reminded me of a cats eyes. Other than that I remember joking with him and he was laughing. I felt secure. It was like going somewhere with yourself. I knew what would happen. I knew what would be a problem and I could deal with it all. Only two things in the dream bothered me. Once he wasn’t with me and I kept looking to where he was until I finally just got up to get him. The second was some people talking about his eyes near the end of the dream. I heard someone say it was unusual and another commented that maybe he would go blind. I remember being assured that he was fine and these people were just running their mouths. I loved him in this dream. It was a really good feeling. Good enough to make me forget about the two before it. One where Tom Cruise was parading Katie Holmes around and I realized she was just a trophy wife. The other involved me going to a family reunion in boxers and being totally comfortable with it…I just couldn’t find the dessert I wanted. I get the family reunion joint…to a degree, but I’m still wondering where TomKat came from.