“First rule in the guide…don’t panic.”

I was hiking this path last night with two of my brothers and we started going over random things. Which mythological creature would you not want to come up on? Which one would you handle? Then we started this list, things to not do when the madness breaks out. I call this the Black persons guide to surviving a horror movie.

10) Do not run and seperate! You always see in movies when something happens people just break out and split up. A sure way to get killed. The rule is face it together and if you have to run make sure you stay together. Once you split up that’s your ass.

9) Watch the birds/animals. In alot of movies there are scenes where all the birds fly away or even in dream catcher when every animal just broke out en masse. It was dogs helping cats get away and the people are just standing around looking. When the animals leave, you leave.

8) Don’t stick your hand or yourself into any dark space. How many times have we seen someone get dragged into a hole or stick their hand in and come out eligible for a disability check. Throw a rock. Get a 10 foot pole and stick it in if you have to.

7) “What’s the worse that could happen?” Don’t say that. A whole lotta shyt could happen. That’s the worse question in any movie or situation. You should die just for asking that…and you probably will.

6) Listen. Whenever someone shouts out a warning there is always the stupid person that won’t listen and does what they were warned not to. The result: your situation spirals downward quicker than a stripper on a greasy pole. Use your ears.

5) Pay attention. If someone starts gasping and their eyes bulge and they can’t speak just assume you’ll die if you don’t move. Don’t stand there asking them what’s wrong and what they are trying to say. You will die.

4) Follow procedure. This is an extension of the Ellen Ripley rule. If your mate has something alive wrapped on his face…listen to the person who says put him in quarantine. Listen to the person who wants to follow the rules. They may seem cold and methodical, but they may keep you alive as well.

3) Don’t be the junior bad guy. The one who makes the deal with the bad guy/demon always gets it in the end. You will die. Via the double cross or the protagonist taking you out. There are no deals, just like there’s no crying in baseball. The real bad guy doesn’t want a friend or a co-villan. Even if the good guys are generous enough not to kill you, karma will get you.

2)Don’t get slick. Anyone who tries dip out on the group will die. Think of every movie you’ve seen. The person who exits when the trouble starts always get’s killed and usually he walks right into his death. Stick together.

1)Don’t Panic! Yes, I took this from the Hitchhikers Guide, but it applies. The people who stand there and get crushed by Godzilla were panicing. The one who falls down and get’s caught was panicing. Stay Calm!!! If you are going to die you really can’t stop it. At least you won’t have to die like a little bitch.

Top 10: Stay cool is open to suggestions.