For those of you who are unfamiliar Incubus had a video called drive in which there are scenes that show the lead singer drawing himself on a page and within the page the actual picture drawing itself. This stood out because they also have a song called “Make Yourself” check the lyrics…

If I hadn’t made me, I would’ve been made somehow.
If I hadn’t assembled myself, I’dve fallen apart by now.
If I hadn’t made me, I’d be more inclined to bow.
Powers that be would have swallowed me up,
but that’s more than I can allow.
If you let them make you, they’ll make you paper-mache.
At a distance you’re strong, until the wind comes
then you crumble and blow away.

This means alot to me. The problem is I keep having to erase and start over. I have made it clear at work, on my blog, and everywhere else that I’m not happy with my job. Easy enough. I also don’t want to just work for someone else. I figure it’s like leaving your lady for another woman. You know what problems you had, but like shakespeare…flying to ills you know not of. I had a plan to get out of this, but some of my variables have changed for the negative. Oh and here’s another surprise (I don’t think I ever blogged about this). I didn’t get a raise this year. I was told that no money was provided (keep in mind I work under a federal grant). I take that and move on. Recently my boss went over the budget and when she subtracted the three staff members salaries she noticed some excess money. She asked our local E.D. who said she didn’t know. She asked again, and again, and again. Finally it comes out that we were provided raises this year, but since the staff under HER grant didn’t get one she didn’t think it would be fair for us to get one. The bullshit is, since my contract’s policy is not to pay out vacation time (unlike her staff) I have to use mine and won’t get paid out like I had planned. Which is harder cause as the longest tenured and most active staff member I am heavily utilized. I have 120 vacation hours. Don’t let me get into my sick time. So this bitch (said with no regret) is preventing us from getting a raise cause it’s unfair, meanwhile shit is already imbalanced. Hell we work on two different contracts! Our money comes from two different places. I accepted the vacation time thing because of this. I can’t accept getting my(our) raise withheld for the same reasons. To quote Chris Rock, “I told you that bitch crazy!”. I’m still having a hard time grasping her reasoning skills on this choice. What makes it worse is I’m like Bruce Banner in staff meetings and I don’t “officially” know about what has happened. So this means not only am I getting less than I should, but the ability to get at least another paycheck at the end of the contract is gone. Originally if the contract ended I could have gotten unemployment and my extra check and took my happy ass off to independent ventures. Now I have to take more time off so I don’t waste it and I won’t get that extra check. On top of all of this by the time the contract ends my term on my car would be up and I was going to take the cash option on that and buy something used and make out. Well to hell with my plans. So here I am erasing the original drawing and starting out again. Best believe I will be making myself. Fuck working for other people. I have come to understand that I need to work for a genius who is also a people person. Since they are hard to find I have to work for me. Someone keeps getting on me cause I have yet to send anything to CityPaper. Freelance writing being one option. I have other things a-brewing, but this current situation really changes the face of my next move. I have to look at the board again. Maybe I should just become a stripper. I did say once I could sell all my stuff and move to Mexico. El venir a la etapa, Trueno Del Mocha! Or something like that.