Making Myself
For those of you who are unfamiliar Incubus had a video called drive in which there are scenes that show the lead singer drawing himself on a page and within the page the actual picture drawing itself. This stood out because they also have a song called “Make Yourself” check the lyrics…
If I hadn’t made me, I would’ve been made somehow.
If I hadn’t assembled myself, I’dve fallen apart by now.
If I hadn’t made me, I’d be more inclined to bow.
Powers that be would have swallowed me up,
but that’s more than I can allow.
If you let them make you, they’ll make you paper-mache.
At a distance you’re strong, until the wind comes
then you crumble and blow away.
This means alot to me. The problem is I keep having to erase and start over. I have made it clear at work, on my blog, and everywhere else that I’m not happy with my job. Easy enough. I also don’t want to just work for someone else. I figure it’s like leaving your lady for another woman. You know what problems you had, but like shakespeare…flying to ills you know not of. I had a plan to get out of this, but some of my variables have changed for the negative. Oh and here’s another surprise (I don’t think I ever blogged about this). I didn’t get a raise this year. I was told that no money was provided (keep in mind I work under a federal grant). I take that and move on. Recently my boss went over the budget and when she subtracted the three staff members salaries she noticed some excess money. She asked our local E.D. who said she didn’t know. She asked again, and again, and again. Finally it comes out that we were provided raises this year, but since the staff under HER grant didn’t get one she didn’t think it would be fair for us to get one. The bullshit is, since my contract’s policy is not to pay out vacation time (unlike her staff) I have to use mine and won’t get paid out like I had planned. Which is harder cause as the longest tenured and most active staff member I am heavily utilized. I have 120 vacation hours. Don’t let me get into my sick time. So this bitch (said with no regret) is preventing us from getting a raise cause it’s unfair, meanwhile shit is already imbalanced. Hell we work on two different contracts! Our money comes from two different places. I accepted the vacation time thing because of this. I can’t accept getting my(our) raise withheld for the same reasons. To quote Chris Rock, “I told you that bitch crazy!”. I’m still having a hard time grasping her reasoning skills on this choice. What makes it worse is I’m like Bruce Banner in staff meetings and I don’t “officially” know about what has happened. So this means not only am I getting less than I should, but the ability to get at least another paycheck at the end of the contract is gone. Originally if the contract ended I could have gotten unemployment and my extra check and took my happy ass off to independent ventures. Now I have to take more time off so I don’t waste it and I won’t get that extra check. On top of all of this by the time the contract ends my term on my car would be up and I was going to take the cash option on that and buy something used and make out. Well to hell with my plans. So here I am erasing the original drawing and starting out again. Best believe I will be making myself. Fuck working for other people. I have come to understand that I need to work for a genius who is also a people person. Since they are hard to find I have to work for me. Someone keeps getting on me cause I have yet to send anything to CityPaper. Freelance writing being one option. I have other things a-brewing, but this current situation really changes the face of my next move. I have to look at the board again. Maybe I should just become a stripper. I did say once I could sell all my stuff and move to Mexico. El venir a la etapa, Trueno Del Mocha! Or something like that.
hey!
about u being a stripper…wooo-hoo!!
I’m kidding…on a serious note, if you are feeling the urge to take a risk and work for yourself, by all means you need to step out on faith and do it!
Without taking such risks… people miss the opportunity to go to the next level and find ultimate fulfillment in thier life. I wish you the best with that.
Also I’ma try to blogroll you…I don’t know if I can from her…let’s see.
Sometimes working for myself seems like taking less of a risk than depending on others.
Comment by chan — October 19, 2005 @ 2:44 pm
*Icey pulilng out singles*
Go on and shake what cho momma gave ya! I kid I joke
It is an unfortunate situation but at least you KNOW and really knowing is half the battle the other is garnering and utilizing a plan. You really can not worry about things you can’t control. You can only control your actions to the situation that has been presented to you. Good Luck
Pardon me I’m caught up cause up cause of the semi-G.I. Joe reference.
Comment by Icey — October 19, 2005 @ 3:48 pm
I’m looking for a manservant. You’d also have to be willing to provide sexual favors to me and all my friends. Please send your resume and 3 letters of reference along with a glossy 8X10 to 2100 Blogsome Bay. Thanks.
That 8x10 is it with or without the Fig Leaf?
Comment by Beloved — October 19, 2005 @ 6:25 pm
I feel you on that. I wish you speedy luck in coming into your niche. I know that whatever you wind up doing, you will be helping others–through your writing and other means.
Thanks, I hope my mexican patrons at the strip club share your sentiments.
Comment by Midlife Crisis — October 19, 2005 @ 6:58 pm
Have you noticed that people get real sporty when the threat of a bullet is not socially acceptable? So, my off the cuff solution is to bring an assault rifle to your next staff meeting.
Outside of that, I agree with you on the conundrum leaving a job creates. I think you’re onto something regarding freelance writing. Keep chipping away at a plan. You don’t have to do everything overnight, just make sure that at the end of each day, you’ve accomplished something in furtherance of your goal.
That being said, regarding your other employment suggestions, uh, my birthday is coming up reeeeeeally soon…
Until I get an assault rifle I’ll try carving my name in the table at meetings with my butterfly knife.
Tell all your friends! I’m going cheap right now!
Comment by Breez — October 19, 2005 @ 7:13 pm
seems like you’re going through a rough patch. my ultimate gold is self employment as well. I’m not sure in what but I knowI cant work for someone all the rest of my days
good luck man
Comment by jdid — October 19, 2005 @ 8:36 pm
When I started going through a funk at work and the daily routine at the office became no longer pleasing to me, I started my own business.
Comment by Nikki — October 19, 2005 @ 9:25 pm
Okay I’m checking out your new space? Did Imiss the house warming, be back lata to play catchup, just wanted to say “sup.” So….. “‘Sup?”
Comment by Bk Babe — October 19, 2005 @ 10:18 pm
I feel you son. Just remember that you work a thankless job. You know they don’t care; about you, about the kids…none of that. Human services is a place where you might do more public service for the kids than dubya. I say no more. Stay strong. Keep a strong imagination. Continue to set goals. One
Comment by eye — October 20, 2005 @ 12:52 am
another vote for strippin
Comment by DelightfulFlame — October 20, 2005 @ 1:50 am
Ummm yeah I had something important to say but I can’t remember….. The thought of you stripping is distracting me. So where can I find the Amadeo show… lol
Comment by van007 — October 20, 2005 @ 7:10 pm
I agree with brotha Jdid. Sometimes, thankless positions and occupations robs a little bit from us man. While there are so many alternatives, dude gots to find something that will work for you that will help a brotha reach that unconditional haven. Do it my man. One love…
Comment by Luke Cage — October 21, 2005 @ 2:42 am
Sweetie…I LOVE this post. First, let me tell you…I am a huge Incubus fan, they have a lot of amazing written songs. Soon as I saw your pic leading into the post I practically cheered. I think I understand where you are at. And you know what’s beautiful? You’re open to redesign. Amadeo…never close yourself to that. Never stop looking, and asking and thinking. It makes you a beautiful spirit. Though…I still worry about this steady fascination you have with lounge clubs and the stripping thing. LOL. S’all good. Cheers to you my friend.
Comment by **RPM** — October 21, 2005 @ 12:13 pm
Ill have to echo RPM in her appreciation for Incubus. They have a way of making you listen very closely to their music. My favorite song is ‘Pardon Me’ and they something in that song that may speak to you, that says this:
A decade ago, I never thought I would be.
A twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion woe is me
But I guess that it comes with the territory.
An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear. I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take
And exploding seems like a definite possibility
To me
So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I’ve had enough of the world, and its people’s mindless games
So Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I’ll never be the same.
Now I dont know if Boyd is an advocate of lighting yourself on fire when things arent going your way but somehow I dont think that he is. But he just might be saying that when you feel like shit is becoming too much, its maybe best to move the hell on and rise above it all before it makes you feel like killin a bitch.
Comment by Marquis de SOB — October 25, 2005 @ 6:47 am