“Bob Porter: Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob!”

Here are some suggestion for making the work day world a little more fun. These may just be rantings from a delusional man who can’t find the screws for the partition in front of me…but enjoy them anyway.

*Let’s get Darwinian: I say that only the strong survive. So if you can beat a co-worker you get to take their lunch hour in addition to yours. There is no limit to how many co-workers you can take out either. Just to be clear, this isn’t just a physical contest. If you bring a stun gun to work and take out 7 people than you earned yourself a 8 hour lunch. This may turn into something real interesting so for those who want to sit back and watch you can just throw a token in a pot and witness others fight over it.

*Fifteen Minute Rule: Like when I was in college if the boss doesn’t get to class within 15 minutes of the start time everyone can leave…with pay. This also applies to traffic jams…if you’ll be 15 minutes late you can go home.

*Coffee Fling: Sometimes you get a bad pot of coffee (if you’re a snob like me and the office uses Maxwell House than that’s everyday). I propose that if the coffee is not up to snuff you have one of two choices: Fling the pot against the wall while shouting, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” or Reserve the pot for flinging at the next person to say something stupid…your choice.

*Might makes Right: If you deal with people (customers) you know that alot of time they can suck. From things like insisting to see the manager because their hamburger only had two pickles on it to acting like their expenditure of $3.45 gives them the right to dig all in you. I say you can meet any complaint with a physical challenge like that old show Double Dare (singles or teams). If you can beat them then they have to shut up. The nature of the physical challenge is up to the one who issues it.

*Phrase Wars:Just like the movie Office Space, alot of people spew stupid office catch phrases. I say that the rule is if you say it you must pay for it. Throwing staplers, phones or any other office supply at the offender is acceptable. You can also take it back to grade school and give them a swirly or something of that nature. However Friday Phrases are allowed. By the end of the week you may be so fried that all you can do is spew over used mantras about the relief provided by an upcoming weekend…the exception is T.G.I.F. it’s just to corny - unless you’re at a middle-american conservative christian day camp or something.

*Demolition Derby: As opposed to calling a repairman, you are allowed to smash any malfunction equipment. If a fit of rage overtakes you, you can also smash any other equipment in a 6 foot radius of the aforementioned equipment. Smashy, smashy.

*E-mail protocols: I have noticed at my job that people don’t understand certain protocols like: typing in all caps is yelling or not to keep replying to a listserve when you’re talking to one person on it and the original email has an attachment that’s 500kb. So when you are faced with such stupidity you are allowed to travel to the office of the person in question and urinate all over their computer. If you’re not comfortable with this (or just don’t have to pee) you can just smash their PC.

*Fire Good: When you no longer have to use an annoying form, manual or program it is acceptable to gather all of these items into a pile and burn them. If a manager asks you to speed it up or says anything you must burn them in effigy while mugging them down.

*Flirting Rules: When in the office if there is someone worthy of flirting with than that takes precedent. Moreso if you get a good exchange going. Saying I need to get back to work can only be used as a cop out if you can’t think of a snappy comeback. Also anyone who tries to disturb you can be smacked with whatever is handy at the time.

*Wanderlust: If you are out to lunch and come across an old friend or an event or anything that captures your attention than you are allowed to devote yourself to it. You do not have to return to work and you do not have to call and explain where you are. Vauge answers the next day are acceptable. (flirting rule applies here as well despite the lack of another co-worker)

Enjoy and don’t thank me for making the world a better place…just send cash.