“Of course I have a secret identity. I mean, do you see me at the supermarket wearing this? Who wants to go shopping as Elastigirl, know what I’m saying? “
ElastiGirl

Since I posted about the Sidekicks, I’ve thought alot about superheros and some of the questions I’ve had about them throughout my life. A naturally inquisitive person things just pop into my head. So here are some of my most burning superhero questions.

1) Would Superman kill Lois Lane if they had sex?
I can’t be the only one to have thought of this. I mean he’s the man of steel, bullets bounce off of him. Just think if he get’s carried away…those screams of pleasure could be hard to distinguish from ones of pain to a Kryptonian in the throes of passion. If she makes it through that just think about her giving birth. I mean if I’ve broken condoms how could he not?

2)Isn’t Robin really just a distraction?
Just think about it. Batman is the Dark Knight. Everything he has is a dark color. in all the new stuff they even got rid of that yellow oval on his chest. The batmobile is black, he hides in the shadows to strike fear into criminals. Then why does his young sidekick dress like he’s stuck in the early 90’s neon period. Red, green and yellow…he’s dressed like the Lithuanian flag… I can just hear Batman now, “You scout ahead Robin and make sure it’s safe.” They might as well change his costume to this.

3) What good is Zan from the Wonder Twins?
His sister turn into animals…he turns into water, or steam, or mist. To quote himself from a Cartoon Network commercial “I could get beat by a sponge…it wouldn’t even have to be an evil sponge.” I bet he’s the superhero all the other ones pick on…except for Aquaman maybe, they could start a support group.

4) Why doesn’t the Joker get a reality T.V. Show?
I’m sure his ratings would be through the roof. Hell, I’d watch. Comedy, thrills and wonderful plot twists. He probably wouldn’t keep personal assistants long though. It would be ten times better than the Real World though. He’s at least a more interesting host than most…he could be on TRL. Or better yet Punked Joker style. Imagine the look on some celebrities face at their parents funeral when Joker comes out and says “Dude, you got punked….I did kill your parents though.”

5) Why doesn’t Wolverine become a professional boxer?
He likes to fight, he heals fast and his bones are laced with metal. He’s Don Kings worst nightmare. Talk about Iron Mike. He could dominate the boxing world and he’s short so you could make a fortune betting on his first fights. His ringname could be the Killer Canuck.

6) Could SpiderMan apply for public assistance?
I mean he can’t keep a job, he’s always broke. Can’t he get some gubment cheese or something? I guess if he had a kid his wife could get some benefits. Just think about it…Spiderman defeats his latest enemy only to realize in terror, he lost the foodstamps! M.J. is gonna kill him.

7) Couldn’t you kill Daredevil with a stero?
I mean he has super hearing, just lock him in someones pimped out ride and crank the system up. He’d at least have to have a stroke or something. Throw in some death metal and watch him die.

8) Isn’t breaking up with Bruce Banner asking to die?
Just think…some girl says those lines, “It’s not you it’s me, we can still be friends.” or Heaven forbid she be honest with him and let him know she wasn’t sexually satisfied. Talk about angry ex-boyfriend.
“You can’t leave me!”

“The desire to take medicine is perhaps the greatest feature which distinguishes man from animals.”
Sir William Osler (1849 - 1919)

Similar to the rest of the black men in America, I don’t like to go to the hospital. It’s not a macho thing. I hate the doctor. Because of severe Asthma I went the doctor more between the ages of 1 and 10 then most people have in their whole lives. I have had more perscriptions than a little and can’t have a several over the counter drugs. Since I just came back to work I figured I’d let you know some of the reasons I don’t like doctors.

1) When I was young I had to go in for a check up and part of it required they draw blood. It was VERY, VERY cold that day and as you may or may not know that causes the blood to retreat somewhat from your extremeties…like finger tips. Well this lady didn’t think of that and she kept sticking me in each finger, even the thumb, bewildered that she couldn’t draw any blood. Eventually she ended up tapping the vein in my arm…little kids don’t like getting stuck repeatedly.

2) When I was a little older I got hit by a car. While getting hit is a story in itself, I remember the lady that hit me pacing outside of my room all nervous. I remember having to pee into a container with my family in the room…it was an all around suckfest.

3) Congestion. A victim of asthma has to deal with a lot of congestion. A hospital once prescribed me sudafed. Then on a subsequent visit I was told not to take it anymore cause it was hardening the mucus in my lungs…gross right.

4) I have been prescribed 5 different kinds of inhalers, 4 different kinds of syrups and various pills and such. I don’t like medicine anymore.

5) I once stubbed my toe on a sewing needle…then it broke in half and got lodged in there…I sat in the hospital for 4 hours only to be told that they could cut my toe and take it out without pain killers cause the area was so small or some crap…then they figured they would let it come out naturally…and gave my mother a big bill.

6) Congestion part 2. Since the doctors gave me something that didn’t help…of course there was some discussion amongst the family. My uncle said, “I’ll show you what to do.” then he held me upside down and let the fluid run out of me….gross. (Didn’t happen at a hospital…but because of what they did)

I have more stories, but since I have to leave here are some general everyman reasons:

The wack paper gown that won’t close right.
Random person grabbing my nuts.
That stick they put on your tongue.
The waiting room…then the secondary waiting room.
Crying sick children in the first waiting room.
Overly talkative people who don’t realize I’m sick and not in the mood for conversation in the waiting room.
Horrible waste of a sick day or a day home from school.
Co-Pay.
Growing dependent on whatever drug you’re given then having it run out at the worst time.
Being a smart child in middle school with an inhaler.
etc.

I’m working and stuff…I’ll be back in a few…a few what I don’t know…

“Superladies, they’re always trying to tell you their secret identity. Think it’ll strengthen the relationship, or something like that. I say: girl, I don’t want to know about your mild-mannered alter ego. You say that you’re a… Ultra Mega Lightning Babe or something like that, that’s all right with me. I’m good. I’m good.”
Frozone

Yeah I’m getting carried away with the lists, but I’m trying to get some quick posts. Work with me people…nobody minds Letterman’s.

These are the unsung heros. The people you kill when you want things to get serious. They get kidnapped, beaten up and treated bad when the hero can’t get his emotions together. Sometimes they’re silly, others they’re very noble. Sometimes they’re just comic relief, but holy homosexual undertones Batman…we sure do love them.

Peanut:
Assistant to Harvey Birdman (Attorney at Law) Peanut is the man. His first question upon being hired was “Can I have a gun?” When he met Daphney from Scooby Doo he asked “Spricken Zee sexy?” He basically hits on every female that walks into the office. Instead of running an errand he’s out at a strip club. Certainly smarter than Birdman (even if he’s in his own world), Peanut is a sidekick for the new millenium.

Arthur
Sidekick/Account, once again the brains of the operation. Since the Tick only concentrates on fighting crime, Arthur is forced to gather resources. Meaning the Tick sleeps on his couch and makes him borrow his sisters car when they need to travel some distance to fight crime…or go to the Super Hero’s club. Arthur isn’t much of a fighter…but he does have an apartment.

Chewbacca(1977 - 1999)
You want this dude rolling with you. He’s like 7 and a half feet tall, he can fix things and he will rip someone’s arm out of the socket when pissed. As Han Solo’s sidekick he sits among the upper echelon of sidekickdom. The one who is intelligent, strong, has morals and really keeps people off of the hero. Despite the fact that he doesn’t speak Basic (english to the non-geeks), he remains one of the most expressive characters. He even has a style of legal defense named after him. On a sad note Chewbacca fell victim to the fate of many sidekicks. Often when people want to heighten the seriousness of a situation the sidekick…kicks the bucket. Since he was so strong they couldn’t just have someone shoot him, instead an alien force dropped a moon on the planet he was on. We will all mourn you Chewie…I need a moment.

Scrappy Doo
Despite the fact he wasn’t always around, Scrappy rocks. The nephew of one of the “so called” heroes, scrappy was the one who wanted to follow his namesake. When everyone else was ready to run Scrappy wanted to…scrap. He will throw his dukes up in a second. I do seem to recall that one time he broke out when it looked like the bad guy was going to fight. Think about this, he’s the only sidekick with a battle cry..”Puppy Power!”

And one of my favorites:

Kato
Played by Bruce Lee he was great in and out of character. Kato was the sidekick to The Green Hornet, a kinda lame superhero IMHO. Kato however was spectacular, he graced the screen with Bruce Lee’s fighting prowess and was often in a role reversal, bursting in to save the hero when he was cornered. Sadly America was full of bigoted jerks and they didn’t even want Lee removing his mask on T.V. The show became a cult hit in China called by fans “The Kato Show”.

Any good ones you know of?

(Not a black guy, but it looks like he has locks and some melanin…give it up for my native american brother then!)

“As men, we are all equal in the presence of death.”
Publilius Syrus (~100 BC), Moral Sayings, First Century B.C.

I have long hated the inequality of man. However it bothers me, especially in the realm of fiction and entertainment. I used to get into arguments on messageboards (mostly with white guys) who would say it didn’t matter, my response try looking around and never seeing anyone like you and imagine what that says.
Those movies are about how the white man keeps the brother man down even in a galaxy far, far away.
Hooper X

Here a my favorite exceptions to the rule.

Mace Windu The Jedi soul brother. I love the fact that weilding a lightsaber was the man who spouted, “Do they speak english in WHAT!!! English, do you speak it!!!” Their were other black jedi (you didn’t see them as much), but Sammy J being one is great for me.

C.J.
I loved that a brother was a lead in a video game and especially in the best G.T.A. so far. There aren’t that many black leads in video games and it’s good to see one. Some people complained that they had a black in the lead as a criminal, but he was trying to get drugs out of his neighborhood and I liked that. Plus they make fun of every race and culture.

Blade
They’re aren’t alot of black superheros around and Blade is one of the best as far as concept and story. He rocks.

Storm
Despite the fact that they screwed up by giving her part to Halle Berry in the movies. Storm is one of the strongest black superheros ever. I mean that in regards to her nature and the nature of her powers. She is an african princess who can control the weather. The wind, rain, thunder and lightening bend to her will. Aside from Claustraphobia the only thing she is scared of is overdoing it with the power she holds.

Because I don’t have much time I’ll end with my current number one:

Huey Freeman
Huey is the main character of what I know is the only comic strip (nationally distributed) full of black characters. Huey is named after Huey Newton and if he was real I would hang with him. Despite the fact his brother is the kind of cat I would never let go to a club with me.

“To a cop the explanation’s always simple. There’s no mystery to the street, no arch criminal behind it all. If you find a body and you think his brother did it, you’re gonna find out you’re right.”
Verbal Kint

I love movies, however, having read books my whole life I require something substantial (or just very different) from them. I love when the guy doesn’t get the girl, when the bad guy escapes and the hero dies. I hate any movie that I can figure out the entire plot within the first 10 minutes, naturally I love any movie that throws me for a loop and gives me something I never expected. Here is a list of some of my favorites.

The Usual Suspects
Obvious out of the way first. I love this film and if you’ve seen it you know why…if you haven’t, I’ll pray for you tonight. I won’t reveal anything, but the fact that I didn’t know what the deal was until 10 seconds before the credits rolled make this great. Not to mention all the great acting.

The Shootist
I’m a big fan of westerns and this is in my top 15. An famous gunfighter now an old man with cancer and two months to live goes to stay at a boarding house and live out his days. His reputation precedes him and everyone elses reaction changes the dynamic of his death, until he makes up his mind to go out in a blaze. Why do I like it so much? You know the Hero is going to die, how he goes and all that leads up to it makes it good. Side note: this was John Waynes last movie and during it’s shooting he was dying of lung cancer.

The Professional
A killer saves a little girl, then cares for her and eventually seeks revenge for her. The beauty of this is a man who is a total loner and doesn’t even spend the money he makes from his hits just begins to care for this little girl and then takes on a rouge DEA agent to make sure that she can stay safe. Happy ending…depends on your idea of happy…samurai says yes. Gary Oldman is a great villian and I love him in this.

Fallen
A cop and a body switching demon from biblical times. All you need for a good party. Denzel is always good and he plays great in this. Don’t think gore, or horrible scary creatures. Think good acting, good plot, and good ending (at least in my terms).

The Opposite of Sex
This was one of those movies that was on cable in the middle of the day one day when I was home when nothing else was one and I turned out to love it.
A pregnant 16 year old runs away to her gay half-brother and lover. Absconds with (now semi-reformed) gay lover and previous lovers ashes. Leaving confusion, legal charges and all sorts of maddness behind. This was a good movie and I can’t even begin to get into the plot in a real way, just see it.

Hero
Many people didn’t really like this movie and I loved it. A man explains to the strongest warlord how he defeated infamous assasins that had been plotting against his life. This is like a combination of Roshomon and The Usual Suspects. I love the ending. There is nothing like when someone realizes that their perspective was tainted by a lack of the full picture. Let’s just say Hero’s become sinners and villans become what is best for everyone.

The Matrix
For a moment forget that they had real trouble ending the series out. Forget that after a while it became a horrible grouping of philosophical queries and it ended in rather unspectacular fashion. The first installment took me. The trailers and everything I read about gave no clue as to what was coming in this one. When Neo found out I found out and I like movies like that. Despite the fact that the storage and caboose dragged it down, the engine on this trilogy was very strong. I actually think the first was so good that the follow-ups would never have matched up to it.

Any suggestions?

Since he has a new job I thought I would take some time to focus on one of my favorite quote machines…Coach Herman Edwards. This is the coach who sounds like one of your uncles or that older black guy that lived on your block and he is always on. Let’s share in his wisdom.

“You do what’s best for your team, … throw passes and get (the quarterback) killed. Are you kidding me? For what? That’s ridiculous.”

“He can wake up at 4:30 and rush the quarterback.”

“It was important that Mike got a chance to kick some field goals, … I was praying he’d make that first one (from 48) because you guys would’ve been all over him.”

“Family policy stays in the house. Done.”

“All I can tell you is the truth, what I was told, and that’s what I did. I don’t lie.”

“To be a baby, it’s a pretty good. You get fed. You get held. People say they love you every day. You get held. People say they love you every day. You get a lot of presents. Every once in a while, I don’t think I would mind being in that bassinet today.”

on Randy Moss: “When he comes off the bus and he goes into your stadium, you’ve got issues.”

“You’ve got to earn it. You can’t count on other people to do your job for you.”

“A scared man won’t gamble and he won’t leave his wife alone at home, I’m not scared.”

And of course the one to rule them all

“You play - to win - the game!”

“Every day that we waited seemed as three autumns to us. Verily, we have
trodden the snow for one day, nay, for two days, and have tasted food but
once. The old and decrepit, the sick and ailing, have come forth gladly to lay
down their lives. Men might laugh at us, as at grasshoppers trusting in the
strength of their arms, and thus shame our honoured lord; but we could not
halt in our deed of vengeance.”

Exerpt from the letter which the Forty-seven Ronin laid upon the tomb of their master, together with the head of Kira Kotsuke no Suke.

~In lieu of a New Years post~

This year is different, it is newly born and untainted. My eyes have seen 27 years so far…this will be the best. It’s important for one to have a constitution or a set of rules and standards to live by. I have been refining mine. By no means is the process done, but I will live it to the best of my ability. Perfection is a path not a destination and I mean to walk it. No more tumbling through days in search of time that I can call mine. I will claim everyday and exert my will on situations. I will spread something good im my wake and let negative forces tremble at my coming. More importantly I will live and be fruitful. Like the 47 Ronin I will serve the ideal despite having a physical personage to guide it. I will become the best version of me that I can become. This is not a New Years resolution, but a commitment to my life. I am being born anew into this year and will respond accordingly. Letting go of past hang-ups and breaking all crutches. I will rage against the dying of the light. I will use the force. Voy con el dios. My life will be revenge for those ancestors who could not live theirs. My reclamation of their ways will be my training. The practice of their, of our culture my sword. My every breath will be a strike. Like the Samurai I will hit my target despite what may befall my physical person I will strike to the heart of darkness and leave only light in my trail. This is my manifesto. Live.

The More You Know: The 47 Ronin

“Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!
Steve Carell

The most beautiful day of the whole week. Especially since I’ve been enduring an initiation that included a fast this week…and monday I plan to wreak havoc on those who enjoyed my sparse existence. So for those of you who need more pointers I offer:

More ways to make the work place fun.

1) Flipping?Moving: Simple as it is I derive a great amount of pleasure from flipping things over on peoples desks. Papers, boxes of tissue whatever as long as it won’t break or cause injury. Even better than that is moving things, for instance: in the midst of writing this I walked over to my co-workers office and put her keyboard under her desk. I’m waiting to hear her response.

2) Fun with Intercoms: In our new office we have an intercom system which I use for my fiendish pleasure. I’ll tell someone they need to focus then I’ll go to my desk and open the intercom to their phone, after 10 seconds of letting them hear air I say, “I hope you’re focused, you really need to focus.” The only thing better than repeating something is being able to say it different ways…I wish my co-workers where bi-lingual.

3) Signs: Since we’ve been in the new office I’ve taken to making signs. Say one day a co-workers was wearing cowboy boots. So I made a sign with a picture of cowboy boots and underneath I wrote: Thank God I’m a country girl. Then I taped it to her door. Another day she kept coughing so I made a sign that said wheezy and when ever she coughed I would slowly raise it over the top of my cubicle. I also save all of my signs to disk for possible future use.

4) Under the table: I’m always looking for something to do, you may have noticed. One day a co-worker was sitting next to me at a meeting and her shoe was partially off of her foot. So I kept nudging it to the point where it hung from her toes. She would fix it and try to pay attention to the meeting. Then I just kicked it all the way off. I also looked around like I didn’t know what that noise was.

5) Camera Phone: The camera phone is glorious invention it allows you to do things like, take pictures of your normally professional looking co-workers in odd situations. For instance (I play alot of jokes on her) the same co-worker and I were with some young people at a community service event for Moveable Feast where we had to wear hair nets and aprons. Ya’ll know how it can get with sistas who get their hair done so I had to take a picture of that wonderful visage. Since then I’ve shared it at staff meetings and just general moments through out the day. Downside: since my hair is more than a foot long the hairnet thing did not work out well for me either and I had espoused the virtue of her getting a camera phone as well.

ENJOY!

“Survivors of those other diseases seem to wear a badge of honor,” said Hendrix. But a stroke, with its obvious impairment, “maybe isn’t a pretty thing to look at. It’s definitely not a sexy disease.”

If you didn’t see…Dick Clark looked and sounded bad. I know he had a stroke, but dude looked reaaaaaaaaalllll bad. I hope if I’m ever in such a situation that people will tell me to hang it up. Alot of people find it inspirational…not so much on my part. Then I thought, dude is like 75 years old. Another case of someone lasting long…no. Bob Barker is lasting long.

The Pimp of the daytime teli is lasting long. Grandmothers across America would give Bob a go and he’s on right in their time slot…before the noon news and the soap operas. The major difference is he can still get around and he doesn’t color his hair. Alot of grandmothers nodded off before midnight. You’re in the wrong timeslot. Dick Clark needs to let go. When you host the “Rocking New Years Eve”…you should be of the age to get up and dance. I’ve never seen American Bandstand so he is not cemented in my mind as anything…except an old man. You were invited to all the parties once, but no more. I mean can you see him and Eminem chilling backstage with Brittney Spears (*cough,slut, slut,cough*). I can see him chilling with the Stones, but Keith Richards looks dead so what does that really say? The quote above is linked to an article talking about the various opinions of him on New Years. Leanne Hendrix needs to be slapped unless she can tell me which one is the “sexy” disease. That’s an oxymoron isn’t it? “Yo I just came from the doctor and he said I have diabetes ain’t that sexy.” This is me sending a shout out to Dick you had a good run…you’ve been on T.V. since the 50’s…all things come to an end. Let go…as quickly as you can.