“Who the hell is Mel Kiper? My mailman knows more about the draft than he does.”
Bill Tobin

I just realized it. I was peeping the Scott Van Pelt impersonation from Humanity Critic’s post and VP mentioned Kiper being from Baltimore. I started thinking about it and how people make fun of how he speaks when it hit me. I sound like Mel Kiper Jr. You see I have always wondered what my accent sounds like. Baltimore is the middle child. We are technically the first southern state, we’re labeled the mid-atlantic. The thing is I have had people down south ask if I’m from N.Y. and people up top ask if I was from down south (though part of that was N.Y. asshole talking - regular asshole is a jerk, southern asshole flaunts that you don’t know about their turf, N.Y. asshole feels superior to all). When I went out to Cali people spoke about my accent and I kept wondering what does B’more accent sound like? Now I know and I’m not sure how I feel about it. it’s like a weird mix between light southern, N.Y. and Boston (wicked aaad [hard]). I will never look at Mel Kiper Jr. in the same way…especially since he is straight Baltimore. Dude went to community college in Essex for godsake. He probably knows people who drank Natty Boh and orders a Half and Half with his crabcakes. Alot of you might not feel me, but this is a milestone for me. I’ll think of this the next time I’m about to say something while out of state. I sound like Mel Kiper Jr….Mel Kiper…Jr…I…sound…like….him….I need some time to myself.

“Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question. “
Albert Camus (1913 - 1960)

I have a new course of action. I need some new employment and older women need attention, so here are some jobs I’m willing to do for the betterment of society.

Sade’s cabana boy
The pride in me wants to say cabana man, but for sade I will swallow that pride. I even have plenty of linen pants, white shirts and Panama Jack-esque hats. I’d be like Wesley from Princess Bride up in that mug. “As you wish.” I’ll fetch drinks and all that, hell I’ll rub her feet with a big ole grin on my face. I mean alot of famous people tend to feel kind of alone, I’m sure she could benefit from a young imaginiative man in his sexual prime. I heard she was married, but I’ll ignore that for now.

Pam Grier’s personal assistant
I guess this is not a far cry from cabana boy…mostly a different wardrobe, but I’m sure I’d come out alright. Is there much to say about this job…no. The employer is the thing though. Like Seinfeld said, “I’m here for you, so if you need me I can be there for you.” I’ll carry the bags when shopping. Keep male fanatics behind the line and make nightcaps. Whatever it takes to get the job done. Wash the car in ripped jeans and a beater, why sure.

While there are more famous older women I could work for after these two jobs I’d be ready to start my business….Arm Candy Inc. This is not an escort service…but we have to make the customer happy. So for those older (there is an age limit) women with money to spend who need intelligent, polite, worldly young men to escort them to various functions. We’ll be there for you. We can speak a few languages, know all customs and greetings and can engage people on any subject. We can recommend good places…I’ll just say this, we have it together more than any date you ever had…but you have to pay us. We also accept tips…and stuff. So for those wealthy older women with no consort escort or the M.I.L.F. sophistocated ladies in training keep us in mind.

P.S.
We will reserve the right to provide service at our discretion…We don’t want any “Marcus darling” situations going on….

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’
Don Marquis (1878 - 1937)

Once again I come to save the cubicle dwelling freaks. Those who are dying slow deaths under the buzzing of flourescent lights and waiting for a crappy cup of coffee to help their day move on a little quicker. The folks for whom having a window would be a step up. The ones who live for five o’clock. For the uninitiated check the past installments 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Now for today’s fun.

1) Running an Errand.
Running errands can be an office workers best friend. It not only gets you out of the office, but if you work the situation you can stay out and do things for yourself. The best things are errands that are not immediate. This means there is a chance to stack things you need to do. Check the location of your errands to see what’s close by that you would like to do. Then run your errands at a time that means you’ll be off when you’re done. For instance. I have 3 errands that will take 2 or more hours. One is downtown. I do the first two at 2:00, then the one that takes me downtown. Then I go to Barnes & Noble, buy a venti mocha and read whatever book looks interesting…I leave at around 4:30 and head home. On the way home I say I’m finishing whichever errand was the furthest and since we’d be off by the time I get back I’m going home…see you tomorrow.

2) Chair Kicking
This one is more simple, but it requires the right equipment. I’ll just explain my set up. We have an intern in the office and two of the chairs she sits in have wheels. I walk up prop my foot on the arm and push. I do this whenever she is sitting down. Sometimes I pull her chair out just so it will move further when I do kick it.

3) Hideaway
I take and hide things from people. Pens, sodas, whatever is handy. In a meeting it’s usually pens. As soon as the person isn’t looking I put their pen on the other side of the table. If they get it back without knowing I moved it I keep doing it, just putting it in different spots. I also do it with sodas…the things is you to move something that will be looked for almost as soon as you move it. It’s more fun when the people really don’t notice it’s gone. You also have to put it in plain sight…just in a place it shouldn’t be.

4) Accent
Sometimes when I have to talk to a supervisor I like to use english slang that they won’t understand…or that at least will confuse them for a minute. Boss: “Amadeo how do I blahzay blah!”, Me: “Keep your Alan Whickers on, get a referral form, fill it out, have blank sign the authorization, call downtown, ask for Jones, get his info send it to him, wait for his confirmation and Bob’s your uncle.” The first phrase threw them off, the directions made them relax and then the last phrase created more confusion. If they ask me to repeat it my response is, “Bugger me.”

5) Calendar
This more fun when you have vacations coming. I like to write things of consequence only to me on other peoples calendars. Like I’ll write a countdown of days til’ my birthday. For example: I’ll start a month before my birthday and every day after put, “_____ days until the greatest day in the world.” I do the same thing for vacations. Sometime I also put things like: Amadeo will be out of the office at 12:00 - going crazy, may not return.

6) Sing a song
Since I am under a new oppressive regime and can’t do all that I used to I’ve had to come up with new material. For instance I sing. Not just any song, but something long that’s likely to annoy people. Last week I sang “The Song that Never Ends” Not familar…here are the lyrics:
This is the song that never ennnnnnnnnnnnnnds.
It goes on and on my friennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was.
They’ll continue singing it simply just because…
Repeat (until someone loses sanity).

There are two goals here one to annoy, two to see if you can get it stuck in someone elses head. I also recommend Muppets songs and things of that nature.

My Power as the God of obscure facts and information comes in handy…Ahh yes I love it when I rise to the challenge. More so because I managed to pull this off without resorting to a whole bunch of second tier characters. The only difficult one was the True in Love ,however, I think my choice is a good embodiment of this. See, comics are for everyone.

In a fight I try to reason things out before it comes to fisticuffs. Sometimes I’ll give in, just so you’ll shut up. But if you really cut me—you get the silent treatment. Silent treatment like the dead of winter, like the benthic level of the ocean, like the cold, dark recesses of the universe. Ask somebody who knows me. In college I gave my roommate the silent treatment for two months.

In a Fight you are The Invisible Woman…
Her power could be used to attack, but was most prominently used to turn invisible and to create protective force fields around herself and others. She could prevent anyone from touching her or seeing her, in addition she could turn others invisible and trap them in “bubbles” of energy. She is recognized as the most powerful and versatile member of the Fantastic Four.

In Everyday life I am resting on my laurels. I’m a lazy bum and only try hard enough to get by.

In Life you are Jubilee…
Jubilee was initially a tag-a-long. Who ended up saving Wolverine and becoming like a daugther to him. Her power, it has been said, could ultimatly generate an explosion akin to a fusion bomb. She never did manifest it on this level though. A lot to the time her attacks were just low grade fireworks. Usually Jubilee stumbled into strong attacks or manifested them when under emotional stress. She normally fumbled through situations with Wolverine hacking and slashing most of their enemies. She was only a leader when teamed with another group of young heros and then she used what she learned from the older Xmen…along with her ability to piss people off.

In Temperament I have the patience of the saints. I will listen to people babble on and on for hours at a time. I just don’t want to be rude. But cross me and you get the abovementioned ice princess.

In Temperment you are Storm…
Storm has been a leader and one of the strongest members of the X-Men, she may well be one of the first black female superheros of note. She is one of the most powerful mutants on earth able to harness the power of the weather, however, she always held back. She would fight, but she would rarely let loose all of her power. In contrast to her name she was one of the more calm personas in the X-Men…but woe to any who crossed her.

In Love (I would like to think) I’m a woman’s woman. Strong, emotionally intelligent, not a man-eater really, nor a ball-buster. Just no nonsense and all that 21st century stuff.

In love (you would like to think) you are Jean Grey…
One of the strongest and most powerful of all the mutants and possibly all the heros. Jean Grey has been the object of affection of several of the X-men including Wolverine and Angel, however her feelings remained intwined with the love of her childhood Cyclops. Jean was powerful on her own, but was also host to the Phoenix Force which made her one of the most powerful people in the universe. She is intelligent, a leader and strong willed. Jean has left many men in her wake, she is not a seductress it’s just that men are drawn to her especially her strength.

In Love I’m (probably really) the protagonist of Janis Ian’s “At Seventeen”. You know, “valentines that never came”/“chosen last for basketball” and that sort of thing.

In Love you’re (probably really) Rouge…
Always the outcast. Rouge was initially introduced as a villain having been raised by Mystique. When she did try to join the good side she had to save someones life before she could earn trust. Since her powers wouldn’t allow her to come in physical contact without hurting someone Rouge wore a full body suit with only her face exposed. She was always somewhat off to the side since she couldn’t touch anyone. Rouge always felt like a loner even to the point when she was pursued she would avoid it because she feared hurting someone. Several times in fights she lashed out at friends warning them that they couldn’t touch her. This meant that she was never able to be comforted.

In Public I am gregarious—super friendly. I will speak to any stranger, ask them if they’ve mailed off their taxes, what’s the matter why the line’s not moving, why the price of tomatoes has suddenly gone up. I actually get energy from interacting with people. At a party, I’m the last to go home.

In Public you are She-Hulk…
She-Hulk fully embraced the powers and appearance brought on by a blood transfusion from her cousin Bruce Banner (the Incredible Hulk). Unlike most superheros with a different appearance she prefers being She-Hulk even though she can change into her normal human form. She is bright, intelligent and outgoing…to the point where she made The Thing spend a weekend with her and had a one night stand with the Juggernaut. She Hulk is also known for breaking the fourth wall. She would burst through ads to get to fleeing villains, plea to the editor when she felt her writer was loosing control and even address fans. The Hulk has even said she’s what keeps him from being as mean as he could be.

“I’m at the top of my game! I’m right up there with the big dogs! Girls, come on. Leave the saving of the world to the men? I don’t think so.”
ElastiGirl

Reload said:If you were a woman it wouldn’t be as easy to find all these superheroes to personify you.

Lord knows I love a good challenge so…any woman reading send me a description based on the 5 catagories I have (substitue for in a fight if you like), nothing long just a simple sentence or two. I will create a post similar to mine…with pics and detail. ————–>(Amadeo throws down gauntlet)

………………………………………Fine Print……………………………………….

At no time may it be stated that Amadeo is a comic nerd, the author is a graphic novel enthusiast and should be addressed as such. Equally he is rubber and you are glue whatever you say bounces off of him and sticks to you…neener, neener, neener.

Y’know how they have those quizzes online like, What superhero are you? Or what type of killer are you. Well every now and again I do one, but I always feel jipped cause there are only as many outcomes as there are answers per question and if you know anything you can predict and make the outcome you want come about. So I came up with my own answers for myself.

“I don’t carry no grudges, bub - I work out my aggressions on the spot!”

In a fight I am Wolverine…
I can’t stand bullies and almost every fight I’ve ever been in was with someone bigger and I’ve had more wins and draws than losses. That said I tend to throw myself in headlong. Not alot of blocking just doing my best to pound the other person into a raw turkeyburger. I can ignore pain and do tend to heal quickly. My downfall in the past has been to let my anger get the best of me and even in a win take more punishment than I really had to. Once I’m there I don’t turn back and I keep going until it’s over and I won or someone else stops it.

“With great power there must also come great responsibility”

In Everyday life I am Spiderman…
The consumate do-gooder. Always trying to help others and use my powers (as they are) for good. I swing along cracking jokes and trying to add levity to even the most horrible situations. I tend to have issues balancing my heroic acts with the fact that I have to go to work during the day, resulting in alot of tardiness and calling out. Unlike Spidey I manage to keep my job…for now. I was also a nerd in school and sometimes bullied, however when I slipped into my new powers (coolness) I brought that to an end. I do still tangle with managing a love life in the midst of all this and even avoided it for a while. I don’t think Spidey had as many flings as me though…points for me! Similar to Spidey I do not have the trust of the authorities.

I could also be compared to Longshot…but I’m trying to make this accesible to non-comic readers.

“Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

In Temperment I am Bruce Banner/The Hulk…

Usually a nice helpful guy, just going about his business. Trying to do good and be good. However, when I’m pushed I change. To the point where I try not to get upset. I try to supress it. I let people take it a little further than I should. Once I’m past the point most people won’t recognize me. They don’t understand how that nice person could be this mass of rage so strong that you can feel the anger radiating from him. You would not like me when I’m angry…it takes a while to get me there, but when it happens you deserve it.

If I made a list of things to do “with your own two hands”–stirring gumbo wouldn’t be on it.

In Love (I would like to think) I’m Gambit…
The charming rouge dropping bits of french with his creole’ accent (I can do the french, but I don’t think a B’more accent counts). Somewhat of a mystery, attracting the women around, but always chasing the hard target. Always considered a variable and showing up to come through when you’ve probably given up hope on him.

BUT

Am I not supposed to have what I want? What I need? What am I supposed to do.

In Love I’m (probably really) Peter Parker…
An all around great guy who just can’t get it together. Always vanishing and coming back just in time to find out he’s too late. Unable to see those who appreciate him and forever trapped in longing. Despite the power he has he feels lost and unable to control things. Very intelligent, but he just can’t get the pieces to fit right. Maybe he will end up with the girl, but she’d have to accept all aspects of him. This would allow him to be loved, but first he has to be able to reveal it…and understand it all himself.

“I don’t see why you two are so nervous. This is my kind of neighborhood! Lots of shadows and lots of things to climb on.”

In Public I am Nightcrawler…

I’m not blue or fuzzy, but I can blend into the backround and go unnoticed when I choose. On the reverse end I also can initiate feats of derring-do to attract attention. I am a joker and I love to play pranks on people. Verbally I am what he is physically. I can work my way into just about any conversation and due to my imagination (and habit for thinking in tangents), I tend to “teleport” around and sometimes have to remind myself what I was talking about. I can be a swashbuckler and pretty gallant, but my nature sometimes makes me want to go unnoticed. I must look funny too cause people seem to stare at me and be unable to form a response when I react to them.

“Being a good fiend is like being a good photographer. You have to search for the right moment.” – Vegeta

Ahhh…despite my innate goodness and innocence (halo). I have always had respect for a good bad guy. The consumate villan. Not just someone who does evil things, but the guy who plans evil things and manipulates others to make them fit his plans. He doesn’t need everyone to know he’s evil and he doesn’t have to be brutal…but he will. So here is my list of the Greatest Bad Guys along with their class.

Keyser Soze Criminal Mastermind
Of course he’s on the list. This guy is so bad, bad guys use his name to scare their kids. He is not only a butcher and a killer, but he’s a planner. He not only used others to accomplish his goals, but while everyone was scared of him he pretended to be the most unthreatening person around. He sits in plain view, but is so bad he convinced the majority of people who know his name that he is a myth. This guy spends hours in a police station leading the cop through all types of circles, engineers his own release and just walked away.

Stansfield Psychopath
Perhaps not as well known as many villains, Stansfield is one of my favorites. A rouge DEA agent/drug addict and an all around psychopath. He’s not here so much for planning, but for raw…bad. This guy kills the family of a man working for him including a 5 year old boy. He doesn’t get the older daughter who is saved by a killer. When the little girl is captured and the killer saves her this guy declares war. He beats up a minor mob boss and then uses all of his legal resources to try and kill the duo. This includes having about 50+ cops including S.W.A.T. storm a building in the end he even kills the killer…he doesn’t live long after, but how many bad guys get to kill the hero? Quote: “Bring everyone.” “You want everyone–?” “EV-ERY-ONE!!!!”

Hannibal Lecter Evil genius psycopath
This dude was the man. Before he was ever locked up he influenced his patients to leave him lots of money in their wills. He stabbed the FBI agent who locked him up a crazy amount of times and even after he was put in an asylum they still needed his help to catch other killers. Not to mention that this dude was such unique combination of crazy/intelligent that doctors just called him a sociopath cause they couldn’t figure him out. Despite the fact that he helped the FBI he sent a coded message to the killer who then tried to kill the agent and his family. This guy will not only screw with your mind, he will eat you…with favah beans, and a nice chianti. He’s high class too. Then dude escapes from the asylum (wearing the face of a guard he killed) and wreaks more havoc. Including capturing the second agent who came to him for help. To top it off he is never caught again. Clearly a lunatic and a genius as well as an educated man. Lecter is a hero’s nightmare.

Darth Vader Tyrant
This guy is on the list for historical sake. He was mislead, however as a result he basically killed his wife, the order he belonged to (including MANY children) and helped enslave the galaxy. He is only briefly stopped because his mentor and father figure (who he was trying to kill) cut off three of his limbs. With a fake arm and no legs, burning, next to a river of lava he puts his energy into letting his mentor know he hates him. This guy has personally killed more people than anyone on this list. He kills people that work with him for failing. He chokes out people who disagree with him on a whim. He is so gone to evil that he wouldn’t even acknowledge the person he started out as. He cuts off his sons hand (after whopping on him) and then when his son is at the point of purely hating him he lets him know that he is his father. When we were little and Vader came on screen my cousin would make people take him to the bathroom.

The Joker Criminally insane
This cat has been a bad guy in my eyes since I was young, but only when I got older did I find out how truly evil he was. Basically this guy is crazy. To the point where other famous villians don’t want to deal with him. He makes no sense accept to himself and his nemesis Batman (who’s not all there either). This guy may have done more to a hero than any other villain in history. He killed the second Robin, crippled Batgirl and killed Commisioner Gordon’s wife. His only purpose in life becoming to defeat Batman utterly and publicly. To the point where he passed on chances to kill Batman cause it was “anti-climactic”. This cat is not only a villain, but he is a lunatic.

So for my ultimate choice….

Darth Sidious aka Senator/Emperor Palpatine Evil Genius…Galactic Pimp
When I first saw the Return of the Jedi I just thought this guy was Vaders boss and I wondered how the hell he got to tell Vader what to do. Well this cat not only corrupted the “Chosen One”, but he basically pimped an entire galaxy. He engineered events that not only took out every threat to him (save for two children), but put him in a position where he would basically be handed the power to do whatever he wanted to do. He then promptly made himself Emperor and ruled the Galaxy. Even after he recruited Darth Vader he kept manipulating him. Via “saving his life” he put him in a suit that would restrict him and make him easily killed by himself while simultaneously using him as a figure head to put fear into his subjects. Meaning only a few people even knew about the real power that he himself had. Then to top it off as soon as his “apprentice’s” son shows up he starts trying to figure out how to put him in his fathers place and go on ruling the galaxy. He is a great bad guy because not only did he manipulate a galaxy, but he personally has probably killed the least amount of people of anyone on this list. He has, however, killed more people with orders and legislation than anyone…even Reagan, Bush and Bush, Inc.

Dreadlocks are a universal phenomenon and through the ages, people of various cultures have worn dreadlocks. It can be said that what are known today as “dreadlocks” are one of the oldest and most universal hairstyles known.
From Wikipedia

History
I have had locks twice in my lifetime. Despite all that I know about them my initial reasons for getting them were very simple. I went to get my hair cut for junior prom (1995) and the dude cut me along my shape-up on the back of my neck….fellas ya’ll know what I’m talking about. Anyway I was leaving and I thought I pay these people every two weeks to cut my hair, it really needs to be done everyweek since my hair grows so fast. Then I get cut every once in a while, I have to sit and wait to be seen and I’d really rather have hair. So I said no more and I didn’t get my hair cut again until 1999 when it was past my shoulders. I cut the locks and let my man shape me and trim it down in his living room. I was determined not to let a stranger cut my hair again. The thing about hair, especially locks is it holds energy. Don’t think I’m getting to mystical (I am), but everything is energy and we take it in and let it out. Those bad feelings, the good ones…hell here’s a gross fact: anytime you smell something it means that small particles of that thing are entering your nose. Everything breaks down into a form of energy. Your hair being an extension of you, collects that energy. Which is why (beyond the rude aspect) you shouldn’t let people touch your hair. Especially locks, even water…I used to sound like a girl on the weekends when people would call and ask if I was stepping out. If I had washed my hair than that was dead. It usually took several hours for it to dry. Even if I wrung it out, toweled it and used the blow dryer at 2:00 pm I would wake up the next day with a wet pillow.

Living in the Now
So I cut my joints off in ‘99 and grew them right back. This was always interesting, to see the reactions you get from people with and without them. But anyway, alot of things have happened to me during this time. I’ve changed my perceptions of people and things, I’ve been from coast to coast. My goals have changed and so has my vision of what I want the world to be. So I need to make some changes and one of the biggest ones is that I need to let go off as much of the old things as possible. So the hair had to go. I had to leave all of the energy I’d collected behind me. You can’t take it all with you. This time I did it in a more ritualistic way. To the point of when it was gone I made a fire and burned it. Even down to the hair that was taken off in the barbershop. Another good reason to have someone you know do it. Luckily some of my people own a shop so I could get it done by someone familiar. So basically it’s a starting over. Leaving behind so I can move on with a clean slate. Some people understand, some have questions, some just say stupid things…like how professional I am now. None of this is for them though, it’s all about me and the choices and commitments I make in my life. It’s about my progression and advancement. I’m starting anew. To quote Ghost, “Elbows unique now me the new me.”

“I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.”
John Cleese (1939 - )

So it’s been three days and it’s funny the type of “compliments” I’ve been getting from folks. Not to say I won’t take them, but saying someone looks a certain way know makes them think you used to look the opposite of that. The one that I ignored with clenched teeth was…”you look professional now.” cause I’m shaved like a monkey about to be shot into space? It goes back to my thought that people can’t stand when a brother has hair that goes beyond the length of need a brush. Unprofessional. So my natural self is unprofessional. If I was white or indian or any other race who had straight hair it would be unusual and a “do” in itself for me to have my hair this low. People suck. I want to respond well, you still seem to be incompetent…perhaps you should try a new hairstyle as well.

P.S.

I am not a puppy and I do not like my head rubbed…I do carry a knife and am willing to cut someone.

“Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix.” Christina Baldwin

Remember this guy, intelligent, witty, quick to slip a joke in? Well it’s not like he went anywhere, but things are looking different…for sure. I have made a change, which for people in my position means that you will endure many questions about your intentions. People want to touch and reach out and verify that it’s you. Not like they didn’t touch before. This is old to me. I’ve been here before. I do remember people not realizing it was me. Some people started speaking to me again as if I had gone crazy and now I was back. A lot of Psuedo-cultural folks switched up on me. I don’t mind cause in this instant I am what mattered. My growth. My mama always said you can’t get new things until you let go some of the old stuff. Goodbye old stuff. Crikey, I guess I’ll need to post new pics and stuff now huh?

O.K.

Soon to come pics of me and all my wonderful new hats…my head is cold.

Oh and when I can hook them up I’ll post a pic of my hair as it was right before I cut it…down to my belt man…that’s a lotta stuff.