Eye on the impossible, grips on the intangible. Happily pissing into the wind and teaching your children to do things that make me laugh for over a quarter century.
“It’s hot as the Dickens.” Gay Klansmen (Dave Chappelle show)
It’s hot. All of the sudden the heat has jumped up to smite me. This being the case certain things have come to mind. I had been explaining the difference between a pretty man and man-pretty to my co-workers and I have found the need to explain that Capri’s are not for men. I don’t care what you say they are not man pants. This came about as I lamented the inability for men restricted by business attire to be comfortable (I am looking for the white seer sucker suit though). Ladies can break down to skirts and even shirts with no sleeves. No such luch for dudes. I refuse to wear a short sleeve shirt with a tie cause it makes me look like a factory manager or something. I’m not with it. I will admit I am totally jealous of the flexability of womens business attire. It reminds me of a book I read when I was little about a school who wouldn’t let guys wear shorts (like mine) so one day they came in skirts. That probably wouldn’t be business like either. Even if I had a kilt ( I would have to wear the Sgian Dubh with it)
I don’t think they’d like me wearing a knife, even if it is a tradition. I’d also have to make sure my kilt wasn’t Irish in order to retain my right to punch those who try to pinch me on St. Patricks day. Anyway my office finally turned on the A.C. so I’ll conclude my heat rant. Here enjoy these.
“What’s the point of being lesbian if a woman is going to look and act like an imitation man?” Rita Mae Brown
I keep seeing something and it’s disturbing me. In fact it’s like a twisted version of the Women’s Rights movement. They may not want that association though. Anyway when I was in high school and into the early twenty double aught years (prospecters are cool) there were a multitude of very flashy gay men. I remember at my school there was like the (I can’t resist the rhyme scheme) Queer of the Year. Meaning every year a certain gay dude would be really popular based on the graduation of the last one. Well one of these cats on Halloween came dressed as a woman and was fooling ALOT of dudes. As a matter of fact we had fun at lunch that day checking to see which dudes were peeping him out like he was girl who had just transferred to our school. We even saw one dude try and talk to him. So from then on it seemed there was always a cross dressing gay dude some where in the city. Especially the infamous areas in Mt. Vernon…brrrrrrrrr. Now I don’t see as much of that, what I do see is a whole bunch of gay chicks with sports bras and wife beaters. The sports bra wouldn’t be so bad, but they only wear them to try and hide their breasts. I did get faked out one day, then I realized that dude was too skinny to have any fat on his chest. So today I come before you to say…what the hell?!?! Are gay women trying to catch up with gay men. Though it wasn’t easy I came to accept that every now and then I might see some dude dressed like a common ghetto whore. Now I keep seeing girls dressed like your average thug. Baseball hat, wifebeater (over sports bra) shorts and clean kicks. I swear this needs to stop. One of these girls ends up in the wrong place they could get popped. I remember my man talking about getting into a beef with one and I was thinking does she really want to be treated like a man in this situation? I’m all manners and etiquette, My momma, raised me good…but beyond a certain point it falls on me to treat you how you want to be treated. Since for some reason these chicks aren’t just happy looking like a man they want to act like them too. The problem there is they don’t really pick decent men, they pick the type of men that only understand losing teeth. The important thing to remember is…YOU ARE A WOMAN. No matter how you dress, talk or act. This is a P.S.A. Don’t get your ass whooped by mistake. I will feel bad, but that won’t help you in the moment. Be gay. That’s fine…but don’t forget what you are. You are not a man…you are a gay woman. Thank you and good day.
“Total absence of humor renders life impossible.” Colette (1873 - 1954)
So it is my favorite day of the week…the last one, as far as work is concerned. I had some topic ideas, but instead I will just shar some random things. If you don’t like it, tough it’s friday and I’m getting off early.
My former co-worker Wendell on hearing I was sleeping with someone we knew for the entirety of the last week: “Every night? You Powerballed her!!!”
My ace on confirmation of the start date of Football season: “Damn, what I am supposed to do until then?”
Me starting a casenote about depressed and negative thinking client: “Client came to see me because his world is coming to an end.”
Clyde Smith also known as Knuckles from a Ghostface skit: “If you want something ask me for it, if I like you like that I’ma hold you down.”
I got pulled over the other day this cop threw me off my game…not because she was a cutie. It’s because she was nice. Plenty of female cops suck. Mostly because someone cute with a bad attitude just sucks. So she asks how I’m doing and I say, that depends. She won’t let that pass. She reply’s, “No, how are you doing.” I just break down into talking to cutie mode. “I’m alright…guffaw.”
Overheard from Southpark: Cartman:Let us stay and Butters’ll give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar. Butters: Yeah, I’m good at all types of jobs!
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.” Woody Allen (1935 - )
I see this everyday on Pratt St. as I come to work and I finally remembered (and was early enough) to stop and take a shot of it. I call this the Millenium Prayer…when all else fails pray to Oprah. Despite the fact that she already ripped my city’s school system a new one, I guess we still love her. What I did not take pictures of were the other signs on the building, saying how the program was being evicted and how the operators, “Love Jesus!”. I’m sorry but this whole thing is just hilarious to me. First they called on Christ and then they called on Oprah. I already said she could take over the world if she wanted to. I jus keep wondering what have we come to. The woman who started out here disses us. Despite the schools being (to quote internet geeks everywhere) Teh Suck!!!!!, our mayor might become the governer. Hopefully he and his lame band will stop taking slots at Artscape especially after last year when they butchered my favorite Green Day song.
Not to mention that one of the clubs they used to rock at got preferential treatment from the spot I used to go to a mere 30 feet away. While those drunk white boys ran over cars with beer in their hands, I’ve known someone to get locked up at our spot cause he was in the door way drinking cranberry juice in a glass…on the same night…with police witnessing both incidents. Damn it Baltimore, what are we gonna do? Oprah may not answer, O’Malley is busy writing songs, Schaefer is crazy, old, bigoted and in the closet (sorry gay people, I understand he does not represent you and I won’t hold him against you). Lt. Governer Michael Steele…well the only thing I like about him was he wasn’t scared to be the only Republican on Bill Maher’s show…despite the fact that nothing is worse than a black republican defending George Bush, it’s an oxymoron wrapped in a paradox. Then I was downtown yesteday and the water in the Harbor is a nasty rust colored green. It looks like this
When all else fails, I tell myself, at least we have Half and Halfs.
“Never trust the teller. Trust the tale.” D. H. Lawrence
So despite my pleasant nature and the trust I put in people, well mainly that I trust people to be stupid, I have a whole list of things you should not put faith in.
1.) Internet directions: I hate, I hate, I hate internet directions. They always do something retarded like send you the long way, or mention some little side street promiently when it’s a block long and you can ignore it. Today I was helping a co-worker find an address. We’re both looking at them map trying to figure out how to get to this place. Someone who knows finally tell’s us exactly where it is and we figure out what the problem was. The street they say turn on to is a narrow alley not a street! Once I used direction to find a place in D.C. and got confused couldn’t find the street they said, then I just said the hell with it kept driving and found the place. To my chagrin I discovered it was right by 14th st. where I used to always go and my trip was basically around robin hoods barn. Don’t trust it!
2) 15 minutes: The older I get the more I notice, people have no concept of time. I can’t say how many times someone has told me 15 minutes and then 45 minutes later they’re still not there. I’m at the point of saying nothing takes 15 minutes when most people think anything takes 15 minutes. Unless you’ve abstained for a while *wink*, Don’t trust it!
3) Turkey Sausage: So I’m on the Chicken-and-Fish-aren’t-meat-diet. No pork, no beef…no venison. Every now and than I get the urge for some kind of turkey item (being everything that is substitiuted is usually done with turkey). I can’t tell you how many things that say Turkey ______ have a whole bunch of crap in it. For instance: Turkey sausage ain’t Turkey sausage if it also includes beef and pork. What the Hell!!!! The one that killed me was the Turkey sausage in porkskin casing. If I want turkey I don’t want it in pork skin, gedouddaheah! What part of the game is this? Don’t trust it!
4) Preakness: As a life long inner city denizen, I don’t trust anything where masses of white people get together and get drunk at. I remember there was this bar that got shut down called Gators Pub a block from my Ace’s house. Every weekend a whole bunch of wild drunk white kids from Loyola and Towson would be up there and in the streets going CRAZY. This was around the time when police would threaten us for standing in front of clubs talking. I don’t trust any even with a riots worth of drunken white folks and in Baltimore people know that’s what Preakness is every year. The only good thing from Preakness is working the clean up crew. People are so drunk you’re sure to find money and/or expensive goods. Lastly…”Let’s get drunk and watch horses run.” Doesn’t appeal to me…somethings going on there. Don’t Trust It!
“Perhaps the apparent explosion of interest in sports and pornography means that men are trying to find new outlets to express their inherent maleness, which they may feel otherwise obligated to repress.” Lionel Tiger
I said it c-o-n-spiracy. If you ever read The Decline of Males or heard one of my diatribes you’ve heard part of this argument. Today I submit for the humble reader a new component to this trend.
First it was the negative irrational side of feminism, then it was the metrosexual thing, now…it’s Brokeback. I contend that this film is another shot at the modern male and I intend to prove it. So over my vacation I went camping with some guys. Now I have always wanted to go camping with a special lady, but it usually turns out to be a guy trip. Some of these dudes S.O.’s gladly packed them up and shipped them off for the weekend. One of them asked, “what do ya’ll do there?” I instantly thought of that scene you see where the one dude’s wife says, ” I know what it means! You didn’t go up there to fish!” This sparked a chain of recognition in me and this is what I’ve concluded.
The positive side of feminism is that men and women are equal and should be treated as such. The negative side doesn’t even speak about women…it just says men are evil, stupid, dogs and we suck. Then the metrosexual thing comes along and determines that if a man is clean and takes care of himself he’s in another category from just plain men. Now Brokeback (on the heels of the whole downlow thing) makes it seem like if guys are going off and doing something in the woods, they’re secretly gay. All of these things weigh against the fact that there is no modern script for what a man is. It’s no longer a financial thing as many women have trouble when they make more than a man. It hasn’t been about hunting and bringing home food and animal pelts for a while. A man doesn’t have to know how to build. Hell a man doesn’t even have to be there for conception, you have sperm banks for that. It’s not about fighting cause I’ve been around some “enlightened” folks who wouldn’t even discuss the issue of scrapping. The treated me like a Jedi who asked if anyone knew how to turn to the Darkside. What the hell is going on people. I hear things like we should show our sensitive side, but don’t nobody want to be around a blubbering ass man! We’re told that we have to bring home the bacon, but an Independent woman will let you know quick she don’t need your money. So are men just intended to be pretty sex toys who mow the lawn and become debts to Social Service agencies? It is a fact that all male schools are being closed because people feel like there is no male “culture” and therefore nothing to be gained from such an institution.
So what did we have left? The rugged mountain man. He camps and fishes and shoots and has a dog. Then came Brokeback. Now him and his hunting buddy are lying next to each other talking about how they’re not “queer”. What is left? I remember they even had something out about how there was a bunch of “Brokeback” scenarios going on in locker rooms and what not…not even the athelete and creator of illegitimate kids. Now with this on my mind some of things I did sound brokebackish. Is Football and porno the last bastion of manhood. If I liked the Man Show does that count.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day. “ Benjamin Franklin
So I am back at work…oh drat and bother. You know when people stop doing something, then they ease back into it. I wish my job was like that. I came back and got thrust right into work. At 9:10 I was on the phone with a woman explaining something I said to her when she was here two weeks ago…and the three times she called me on that day less than 30 minutes after the meeting. Then she talked to my boss while I was out. Then she called first thing on my first day back. The worse part is not that she keeps going over the same thing over and over. It’s the fact that she pause for an average of 3 minutes after every response you give. So a conversation that could take 10 minutes can easily stretch to 30. One day I’ll work in a way that I won’t have to talk to people. As a matter of fact here is a job position I will have open as soon as I get the budget.
Wanted:
Personal Assistant/Amadeo’s Right Hand
Potential applicants do not require a degree of any sort. Applicants must be able to type at least 40 wpm, have strong skills with Microsoft Office and be able to tell people they are idiots while speaking to them like the pea-brains they are. Amadeo (the hiring party) has little patience for stupid people. It will be your task to attend meetings and speak with people he does not want to. You will be briefed on his likes and dislikes and who he feels is stupid in advance. This will give the assistant the ability to tell individuals that their ideas are stupid and that Amadeo may have slapped their face into the desk for sharing them. Applicants must be willing to walk out of meetings in an abrupt manner and call Amadeo with the hilarious details of the third parties stupidity. It is your job to minimalize the amount of stupidity I have to deal with. In some cases you will be empowered to slap these fools. In order to balance your work environment, you will attend meetings with myself and people who have sense most especially lunch and dinner meetings. You will also be privy to any investment opportunities that are made available to me. Amadeo’s right hand will be treated as a valued member of the team and not just hired help. Feel free to question me as I have no respect for yes men/women. Be notified that stupidity is grounds for termination. Prior office experience required. Knowledge of pressure points and martial arts preferred. Ability to put your goon hand down is required.
So I’ve been on vacation and running around or just being lazy as I feel. Just so you know I care here is something for all of you enjoy. This pleases the Star Wars geek and the sick individual that live in me.
“It’s surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you’re not comfortable within yourself, you can’t be comfortable with others.” -Sydney J. Harris.
Identity
Pronunciation: I-’den-t&-tE, &-, -’de-n&-
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
Etymology: Middle French identité, from Late Latin identitat-, identitas, probably from Latin identidem repeatedly, contraction of idem et idem, literally, same and same
1 a : sameness of essential or generic character in different instances b : sameness in all that constitutes the objective reality of a thing : ONENESS
2 a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual : INDIVIDUALITY b : the relation established by psychological identification
3 : the condition of being the same with something described or asserted
4 : an equation that is satisfied for all values of the symbols
5 : IDENTITY ELEMENT
I’ve been thinking alot about self…not in reference to me, but me as a black american. Most specifically in cultural terms. I have always said that I don’t feel as though America itself has a culture. The things we believe and feel are determined and affected by so many sources it’s not funny, the most prevelant being tax bracket. The thing is most people can trace their family back to a point of origin and identify beliefs and customs. Except for black americans. The profoundness of this may be lost when you don’t really consider it. We can say we originated from Africa, but that’s not saying much. I don’t hear Latino’s saying I’m from…South America. They can identify countries and cities and even little towns. As lost in the sauce as most Americans are, there is something that their parents or grandparents can point to and say, “This is where you come from, these are your people.” Most of what we use to identify or point to is not culture, but a degree of discrimination. We look to when we were treated inhuman and the gradual shades of mock respect that we gained up into the P.C. era. We can indentify with being allowed to proceed as a human being vs. when we couldn’t. Even if it’s not that harsh we identify more with being able to join with the dominant culture and not a knowledge of our own. I can imagine how many issues we face stem directly from this, especially issues amongst ourselves. If I say I’m a geek I can explain that. If I say I’m Hip-Hop I can explain that. If someone says I’m metro-sexual I say shut up but I can still explain it. When I identify myself as Black…there’s not much explanation I can give beyond what you can see. Hell I have an ancestry that includes, Mexicans, Jews and Native-Americans and I can tell more about all of them than I could the one that is most obvious. I know alot of people identify our struggle based on what happened here, but I say that’s only the first part. There was a time when slaves knew about their “people” and could point to a culture they were slowly stripped of, I don’t know that any significant amount of people have held on to that knowledge and recognzie any aspects of those cultures though.
What am I saying?
Te nosce ( Know thyself - latin)
But I could tell you more about the Romans than I could a certain part of me.
“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.” Jon Stewart
So last night as I lay in bed listening to T.V. and reading a book. I saw a story on The Daily Show about how newly graduated Iraqi soldiers (Sunni) protested and refused to be stationed outside of their province in a Shiite region. This is a serious thing in relation to America trying to get out of Iraq. I mean if soldiers are deceiding where they want to serve that’s not really a military. If that was the case I’m sure our soldiers could think of a better place that they would like to serve. The thing about this is that the only place I heard about it was The Daily Show. I had to search for it on the net this morning. Once again the fake news has given me more news than…news-news. It’s really a sad state of affairs when I get more information from Comedy Central than anywhere else. I only started watching it cause it allowed me to be lazy. Instead of seeking the hidden meaning behind what I am seeing…Jon just points it out and combines it with his wonderful humor. Not to mention I like his George Bush impersonation. What the hell is going on?!?!? I vowed years ago to not watch local news cause I got tired of stories in this order: Death, killer, health risk, bad weather, puppy for adoption, deaths, police suspect and sports. I’m not getting as much from the national or news sources either. It’s a sad thing when BBC can give me more actual information about America than CNN. I demand that Jon Stewart be given his rightful place next to Jennings, Cronkite and Blitzer as a true dispenser of news. He also makes it funny so that’s a plus. Did news die and how are people still afraid to say the unpopular thing. Here’s a quote I’ve loved that America should take to heart.
Here in America we are descended in blood and in spirit from revolutionists and rebels - men and women who dare to dissent from accepted doctrine. As their heirs, may we never confuse honest dissent with disloyal subversion. Dwight D. Eisenhower
I wonder if we the people still like Ike? I heard it once said that if Jesus came back today, he would be called a liberal, fag-loving, traitor to America and be denounced by most of the so called “religious” people in this country. It’s amazing that a country full of people that are so free and intelligent can be so scared and stupid.
