Eye on the impossible, grips on the intangible. Happily pissing into the wind and teaching your children to do things that make me laugh for over a quarter century.
Damn the Man
There are often things that people do that casts them as villians. Well here are some things that when I saw them I either stood with the person, couldn’t see what the problem was or at least understood the action.
Pedro Martinez vs. Don Zimmer
Damn that. When I’m a geezer you won’t catch me running up on no young cat unless I know I can beat his ass. Especially in a sport where it’s common for coaches to have pitchers hit a batter. Then on top of it, Pedro was gentle. He cradled his head, side stepped and guided him down. If he had cocked back and tagged him on some Kermit Washington that would be different. All money did was make sure he was going to be safe. The most important thing to remember: the benches had just cleared cause Manny thought Clemens had thrown at him. Pedro was chilling with his bench jacket on and here comes Zimmer in a rush. WARNING: Any old men reading this: don’t rush me and expect to get off light my reflexes may be quicker than my conscience.
Ray on Trial
This one was some complete and utter bull. Fact: He and two of his friends were charged with murder. Fact: Ray Lewis did tell his friends not to say anything. Fact: Ray Lewis did testify against his friends. Fact: Witness would not say that Ray even threw a punch, many said he was telling people to stop. Fact: Ray was made to look like a villain for a while after this, even getting dissed in regards to true MVP props and was spoken of like he wouldn’t give the police any information and was some kind of thug. Even to this day when I hear or read some fans talking about him the first negative thing said is he’s a murderer. I say: He cooperated beyond a point most black men deem sufficient…he implicated his friends. He broke the rule of the playground and still America wasn’t happy. The state spent so much effort on him when they didn’t have a case that they couldn’t even prove his peoples guilty. I don’t think I’m out of line to say that when something happens before the police come in most Black will say, “don’t say nothing”. The only other thing Ray could have done would be to provide video evidence of his friends committing the murder complete with spanish sub-text, maybe that would have made people happy.
Ricky Quits
This is a situation I hated. A lot of times in life you’re told if you can’t handle something then you need to walk away. I think that’s what Ricky tried to do and he got roasted for it. Seems like he always had some issues that just didn’t go with being a Pro-Player. Remember how he would do interviews with his helmet on? No question dude was a good running back. Perhaps he owes something to his teammates. However, if your heart ain’t in it you need to go. I don’t care if all he wanted was to smoke weed and fondle himself all day…let him go. The worse part was not the criticism he endured at that time, but after the Dolphins were going to ream him for $8 million and he had to come back he was criticized about whether his heart was in it. Of course not, he thought he was out and they pulled him back in. Hell if I was told I had to pay $8 Million or chill with Dubya and Co. Best believe you’ll see me spitting game to Condi. This is a case where he actually tried to do the right thing and got creamed. How many people that work with you would you want to keep around with his situation?
Tyson Bites Holyfield
This is one I feel strongly about. In the time since this fight I have heard anyone who talks about boxing and has mentioned Holyfield say something about his headbutting. I watched that tape and he gave it to Mike like 3 times in two swipes and those weren’t the only ones. As far as boxing, once you have a cut over your eye you know that joint is going to get worked till you can’t see. I feel you Mike! If Mike had kicked him in the nuts or something maybe people wouldn’t feel so raw about it. But hey it was fight and as fights go when you’re in trouble you take what’s there.
Augusta and Women
This is a tricky one…honestly I think if he could that Hootie Johnson wouldn’t let Tiger play at Augusta either. I’m sure if he could the only people who weren’t white men would be cooking and cleaning. What makes me accept him not letting women in is this: Throughout history there have been all male clubs, schools, etc. Today this is not the case. Many all male schools have been closed because people feel like men have no culture that needs a setting to flourish in. Schools for women, however, are not viewed that way. More and more there are no places strictly for men, the reverse is not true. I can feel him on the point of wanting an all male club…I just wouldn’t endorse him in public. I think the main thing that bothers me is still hear how certain things are a man’s job or a man’s responsibility, but there’s no priviledge to back it up. On another note, how come when old white dudes are named Scooter and Hootie it’s all good, but let a brother try to run something and say his name is Ray Ray or Man and see what happens.
“An essential characteristic of the superhero mythology is, there’s the superhero, and there’s the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When he wakes up in the morning, he’s Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic that Superman stands alone. Superman did not become Superman, Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he’s Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red “S”, that’s the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears, the glasses, the business suit, that’s the costume. That’s the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He’s weak, he’s unsure of himself… he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race.” Bill (Kill Bill Vol. 2)
I never did like Superman. I heard the new movie sucks, but the truth is I never planned to see it. I actually agree with Bill’s quote about Superman and that is one of the reasons I don’t like him. Superman as compared to most Humans is a God. He doesn’t have to face our trials and while he has his own set of problems I always felt like to even challenge him they had to come up with some Super-Mega-badguy that only he could face. Meanwhile characters like Batman (especially) had to find ways to rise challenges using more than just strength or powers. Most other superheroes find their will tested in ways that threaten them even more than some villain. I will admit Superman does have a tragedy, not knowing his people or his family never being able to return to where he’s from. The only thing about this is that he had to discover that fact. He was raised in a happy home. As a matter of fact the most dramatic ways Superman has been effected was to take away his powers for various reasons. Even if we compare him to some of the powerful Mutants from the X-men he won’t compare. They all had to deal with prejudice and persecution that unlike racism could find them hated by their own family because of how they were born. Peep some brief blurbs about other heroes and the issues that define them.
Batman
Batman is a sick puppy. All he knows is the reckoning. The drive to stop what happened to him from happening to others. This is a case where his alter-ego barely exists anymore. He was just a man, but what he saw as a boy drove him to become something else. Once when some bad guys were debating his identity the Joker said that “the mask is his real face”. Batman could easily be called insane and has driven off his sidekicks. His life has only one purpose. So much so that for a long time he was thought to only be a legend until he was caught on film. Interesting fact despite having no powers Batman developed a way to beat every member of the Justice League in case they ever flipped out.
Wolverine
This is one of the most dynamic hero characters ever. He will kill the badguys, but is known to befriend young kids with no place to go. Wolverine will always heal, at least physically, even when burned to his skeleton he will come back. The part of him that won’t heal is mental. He has no idea who he really is. A victim of experiments, torture and implanted memories, “Logan” has no idea how old (about a 100 years old) he is or who he truly is. Because of his high level of healing he doesn’t seem to age. To compound an already big problem he is in a constant battle with his animal instincts. In a fight even his allies know that if he isn’t stopped he can lose all control and go into a “berserker rage”. Beyond finding his past he battles everyday to remain a man and not degenerate into an animal, this battle with himself is reflected in the person of his arch-enemy who has embraced his animal side. Wolverine is THE most conflicted hero ever.
The Hulk
A victim of an accident and an abused child. Bruce Banner has multiple personalities, due to his accident and his childhood abuse his rage manigests itself as a transformation to a physical entity that is strong beyond compare, has the mind of a child and is full of rage. The Hulk is one of the only heroes who was really seen as a villain. Hunted by the army and the government and a dark part of it’s alter-ego’s life. Bruce Banner was afraid to even change into the Hulk. As a result he moved from place to place and tried to avoid ever getting angry. His power is his curse. In recent books The Hulk was tricked into exile on what was thought to be an unihabited planet by a group of some of Earths greatest heroes.
Spiderman
Possibly one of the most troubled and human of all those on the list. Peter Parker is a nerd and an outcast at school and all he has are his aunt and uncle. When he gains his powers all he can think of is how to elevate himself. After his inaction causes his uncles death he makes up his mind to use his power to help people. From that point on he only has rare moments of happiness. He can’t keep a job cause he always runs off to save others and (unlike Clark Kent) this is a major bane to his existence. The only way he can make money is to take pictures of his alter-ego in action. Pictures that his boss usually captions with headlines that cast him as a villain. Beyond his job his personal life remains in shambles cause he’s always leaving and can’t justify it with the truth. Several times when is identity is discovered he is punished by harm and even death brought upon those he loves. Spiderman is another driven character, however he remains torn between his responsibilty to the world and his responsibilty to those he loves. For Spiderman having a job and his relationship with his friends and family are central elements to his person.
Compared to these guys Superman is a cookie-cutter image of a hero and he appeals to me as much as non-alcoholic beer. These ongoing tragedies make other heroes truly great. Just like the inner conflicts that we all face, they have their own.
“They say that heroes are born, not made, babe! That’s bull! I’m livin’ proof! Bein’ a hero’s more than havin’ some sort o’ power! Look at Storm! Look at Captain America! They either never had powers or they lost ‘em! What keeps ‘em goin’ is guts! Without guts all the power an’ trainin’ in the world don’t mean spit!” Wolverine
Since I’ve been doing this for coming up on two years I’ve made up my mind to add a feature. Since alot of my time at work is spent searching for goodies on YouTube I figured I should start sharing. So today I got some good ole commercial goodness!
The only reason a great many American families don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments. ~Mad Magazine
This joint is an actual commercial from sprint that I just love…I think it came on during the Superbowl or something.
This one is a spoof of those Mac commercials that I hate. Those things are a step below kids declaring their fanboy status for Playstation or Xbox. Humanity Critic actually beat me to the punch on this one.
This is a spoof of the MasterCard joints…just watch it.
“Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me.” BrickTop
In light of the fact that I have not spoken on the subject for a moment and that I’ll be getting ready to move early fall, I will now reveal some of the roommate insanity. I’d like to also add this as an ode to a whole blog dedicated to this subject. I feel her pain!
As per Bernie Mac I have named the basement dweller “Him Downstairs” people who don’t have money on a regular basis don’t warrant being called by name. So when something happens I say guess what he did. Who? Him Downstairs.
Nothing going on but the Rent
I won’t even mention the actual amount of money that I have gotten from this cat since he came to inhabit the basement, but my cousin has given me more than that in a two month span of time. When he does come up with money it’s always some wack amount like $30 bucks…that’s what it costs to fill my tank homie.
Rubber Ducky
This cat is old enough to be my father yet he acts like a child I should be raising. This is the only time in my life where I’ve had to remind someone else to wash the tub after they use it. I never had to be reminded myself. Plus this cat is the only person in the house that always has to take a bath. I don’t hate baths, but I don’t strictly take them the idea of sitting in the water I’m cleaning myself with is a little gross to me. A shower is a good thing, refreshing and not at all time consuming. Just for more detail this cat uses bubble bath, a grown ass man taking bubble baths. Then he’ll run the water, fill the tub and leave it sitting for God knows how long before he finally gets in. Then he’ll sit in the tub forever. It’s like yo you have a toilet in the basement, respect the fact that I use the one up here.
Pots and Pans Fact about me: I was raised in a house with my grandmother…she really like to have things clean. I’ve noticed that things she used to say that bugged me have become part of my vocab just as things she used to do are part of how I operate. (Ex: when you’re done cooking wash the pots) Fact about him: He must not have grown up this way. Proof: This cat will cook something and then leave it sitting on the stove for way too long. Then he won’t place it a storage container and was the pots. He’ll just try to stuff the pots in the fridge, then come back and put the stuff in containers, but still the dirty pots sit in the sink as a matter of fact most times he will leave stuff in the sink so long my cousin will finally clean it. I have long since learned to wash instantly so as not to have to put my hands in that water.
Are you Deaf
Being that he is the resident bum this cat is most likely to be up at ungodly hours watching T.V. The problem with that is I messed up my T.V. downstairs so the only way to get sound is via the stereo. This cat will always have it too loud and have one of the speakers turned away from him. Too many times have I had to tell this grown man that I need some sleep and his T.V. time is preventing this. I keep forgetting to ask why he always turns one speaker away from him. If it’s too loud turn it down!
Suggestions
This cat is always trying to recommend something for me to watch and that wouldn’t be bad, but it’s always something that I’ve seen a million times or actually own. On top of all the other annoying things this just ticks me off even more. Yes, I’ve seen Episode III. Yes, I know which black author wrote three books that are ranked among classic literature. How do I know the answer…because you’re watching Count of Monte Cristo which I’ve seen and own the book. I don’t care about the special on the History Channel right now…my cable guide works I already knew it was coming on.
Pornstar
I’ve mentioned this before. I don’t have a problem if a grown man wants to watch porn. My problem is if you’re going to watch it at the weirdest times then turn it down. I don’t want to hear Debbie Doing Dallas when I’m waiting for my coffee before 8:30 a.m. Only people who work late shifts are allowed to watch porn loudly early in the morning. Frankly unless you have a woman in your room I think you need to keep that porn to yourself.
Outside Observations
So you know it’s not just me (and my cousin) who thinks he’s a bum. My ace was over the house one day and as we left out Him Downstairs asked him if he had a joint he could spare. Not do you have papers. Do you have a joint. Who the hell just walks around with spare joints on them, does he think my frinds are Mr. Nice Guy? Of course he asked this from his customary position on the couch. When we got outside all my friend could say was, “He look like he eats samiches, with mad meat on it that he didn’t pay for.”
“They sin so often, it’s just become another part of their routine. And whatever passion first compelled them to commit such acts, has long since passed away.” Abum Millenium: Somehow Satan Got Behind Me
I wasn’t a big fan of the series, but this episode of Millenium was great. Four demons sit around talking about the various ways that they damn peoples souls. Some are funny, some are ill, but the second one that the above quote is taken from is an indictment of modern man…and it’s on point.
“You’re right, actually. I am pretty- I’m, I’m pretty troubled and I’m, I’m pretty confused. But I… and I’m afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I… I… I think you’re the fucking Antichrist. “ Donnie Darko
This was a weird movie. I loved every minute of it. I won’t give away any of the plot cause that would ruin it. If you want to read about it go here. If you want to waste some time at the office then go to the official site. If you haven’t seen the movie then you won’t get far.
Blade the Series
I can’t even say if this is any good. I have watched it but for the entire time I just kept saying, “Sticky Fingaz is Blade!?!?! Rob them punks or something, bitch slap somebody!!!”
“I’m in some bullshit meeting…” Office Jesus
If you don’t know Office Jesus rocks! It’s a short that they have on Attack of the Show. The below links are to three of the segments on Youtube.com. If you peep it there are others that were part of their user created contest. The second one is the best…oh hell I’ll embed it for you, see what I do for you guys.
Links 1, 2, 3
“Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it. Plan more than you can do, then do it. “ Anonymous
In Honor of Artscape and all festivals like it will share with you guys my plan. This is how I enjoy just about every festival I go to. This should work with most festivals, but especially those that are local for you. I’ll use Artscape as my template.
Know the layout
I know where everything is during artscape, I know what buildings what to type of performances are inside, where the black painters usually end up. Where the breakers will be. Most importantly I know the layout for ghetto scape, the low-budget-not-always-legal-vendors that set up across the street. The most important things you can know are the major meeting spots. These are the post-ups…
Post Up
If you want to enjoy a festival truly posting up is required. There was a time when I would go late cause I was trying to gather manpower or find a place to meet. No more. I know all you have to do is find one person and post up in a good place. (whisper) If you post up they will come. A good post up with one person can turn into a group of 20+ people. The other bonus to posting up (if you have my boyish charm) is that instead of you hunting for the ladies they start to choose you. Sooner or later you’ll have nice group of women in your vicinity making themselves visible.
Get In
One thing is a true a free concert will bring out people. It is most important to have a route to get to the front of the stage with as little trouble as possible. There have been plenty of concerts where I didn’t sweat it, but any one I really wanted to see I was right up front. I won’t tell my Artscape route, but I recommend you get one. In reality mine is very visible it’s just not a way everyone wants to take, opting instead to gaze from afar.
Eat first
Now, I know that food becomes a big part of these joints, but you have to eat on your own terms. Remember everything is festival prices! If you depend on them for your meals you’ll spend a lot of time in line and drop a nice amount of cash to stay fed. Eat early so when you go you can pick and choose and won’t end up in the shorter line just trying to hurry up and grab something.
Know the aftermath
Just about every year I end up chilling for like 3 hours after it all shuts down. A lot of times I go somewhere in the area afterwards in a group. For one that’s like an impromptu party and ladies will do the same. Know the good place to go! Don’t fall for those so-called after parties with after festival prices. You’ve been in a crowd all day and being in another one won’t up your chances. I find that finding a nice spot with tables outside is the perfect place. It allows you a chance to pull up on some of the ladies you don’t know that are attached to your group and it may carry over to going to someones house. Can you say intimate? I knew you could.
Things to watch out for
Folding Chairs
These bastards are becoming the bane of my festival enjoyment. People, in an effort to secure a spot near the stage are setting these things up early and chilling until the show starts. This means that people like me don’t have as much room to dance and act a fool when my performer of choice comes on. If you can find someone who is there to take pictures or something like that get them to hold a spot early…but people ain’t always down for that.
Wrong People
In your posting up you will attract lot’s of people. Some of these people you do not want to chill with. They will bring your group value down meaning that you will attract less ladies. Plus some cats just want to jump all over the females and that makes them close up. You need people that know how to work the group well. One person that’s manditory for my group is AbRock. Charasmatic, knows how to work a group, live at shows, energetic and married. The ladies are on him, but he’s not on the market. That means he enhances your group without taking away from your numbers.
Rain
Into plenty of festivals some rain must fall. The important thing to remember is there is rain-rain and festival rain. Festival rain lasts maybe 30 mins. and when it ends the sun comes out and dries things up. You must always know where to go in case of festival rain. When people think it will rain they won’t come out. When they find out it’s festival rain, more people tend to come out. They see the sky all clear again and the ground no longer wet and they can’t resist. Have a place to wait out festival rain. That way you don’t get soaked or go.
A good teacher must also be a good student…any tips are welcome.
Michael: This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone. Jim: [to camera] That actually took a while. I had to put- uh, more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then I just took them all out.
I have realized that I am the Jim Halpert of my office…and I’m fine with that. As a matter of fact there are some things he has helped me realize. 1) I have not been doing all that I can to make my workplace fun. 2) It sure would be nice to have a Pam. I could do wonders with someone who shared my level of apathy and my sense of humor. So here are some more Fun Things to Do At Work:
Black, Man and Bo-Bo
While at trainings I introduced my co-workers by the ghetto nicknames I have given them. People aren’t sure if they should call her Patrice, ‘Tricey or what.
Reading is Fundamental
I mentioned once how I made signs and taped them to my co-workers door. One day I noticed that She had taken the most recent two down. So I printed out every single one I had ever done and taped them in chronological order to her door.
Luh Da Kids!
Whenever children come in I rename them and try to give them sugar in some form. My most popular names are Thigh High, Gerberface, Rugrat, Crumbsnatcher and Short Round. I’m also fond of telling the kids how I will beat up someon who is 2 ft or more shorter than me without it weighing on my conscience. But most of all I tell the youngest one’s to break things cause they won’t be held liable for it.
YouTube
I search YouTube all day long and when I find anything that is funny I go and pull it up on co-workers computers with a note that says “press play”. When the boss asks what is so funny I feign ignorance and search for more ammo.
Honesty
For the last month when asked what to put on a flyer or use in a workshop or send in a mailing my response has been, “Sit down and shut your punk ass up.” I also got a dirty look when at a training and asked about methods I mentioned something about hitting kids in the throat and sitting on their chest. People also didn’t like me responding to a question about how to help clients remember that “Pain is the ultimate teacher“.
“What a price we have paid for that land: seven thousand killed in the War of Independence; another thousand killed in the 1956 Sinai campaign and the Six Day War; three thousand killed in the October 1973 war; hundreds killed by terrorist raids. We offer ourselves grim consolation: all the wars have cost us less than three days at Auschwitz.” Chaim Potok, “Wanderings”
You know I always try to find a quote for these posts, but none made me think about my topic as much as this one. The general insanity that’s going on has even prompted some to start saying this is the start of World War III. Personally I think Israel is basically a petulant child whose rich uncle gave it some poor kids backyard. It just can’t understand why those jerks won’t just get over it. The quote above, however, makes me see things in a more grim light. If their reference to all the madness that has been going on since the start is, “It’s not as bad as Auschwitz.” What the hell could make them back down? Especially since the big boys on the block (U.S.A. and Britain) back them up. This whole thing reminds me of guys I grew up with. They’re cool with you, but every few days you have to save someone from getting beaten bloody for no reason by letting them know this person is your friend. You don’t really want to be seen with them cause you know they’ll start some trouble and most of the time all you can do is suggest that other people move back until their done and hope to not get singled out. The only thing wrong with this analogy is that we (U.S.A.) are more of an instigator that kind of enjoys the chaos. “Oh that Israel is crazy!!!” We treat this false state like a drunken frat buddy that’s bound to get expelled, beat his wife and go to jail…but boy is he fun to drink with! Meanwhile other countries are in the region are lining their ducks up. These cats know what the deal is. Their only differences are how shook they are of the West. Some are just trying to keep things cool and the rest seem to be on some, “Well come on then!” Of course our major concern is what is has to do with the price tea in china of oil. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t care about gas prices, but I do think it’s ri-god-damn-diculous to bomb Beirut for 7 days over roughly 10 lives. The biggest problem with all of this is that it’s not actually Lebanon that they have beef with. It’s like the Baltimore Police bombing D.C. cause of beef with some Bloods in North East. In the midst of all that the cops are saying look Mayor Williams you better make those bloods give us back our peoples…and watchout for falling bombs. Israel is like an abused child that is now in the protective custody of it’s rich, but unattentive uncle. He didn’t think that killing all those puppies was an issue…besides he’s so cute! If Israel doesn’t mind all this beef cause they can reference the Holocaust as worse why the hell would they care about innocents killed in their anger? Do they really care if they’re opening the door for Syria to come back into Lebanon? Do they care if they’re ripping the hinges off Pandora’s Box? Listen up Israel it was really messed up what happened to you guys in the past, but now you have those guys land and you can’t kirk out everytime a few of your boys get knocked off. It’s not like you were just sitting at home playing with your Dradle anyway. Chill the hell out cause you’re starting something to real for you to deal with. Despite my problems with my country I know that when you have real problems it’ll mainly be poor cats from places like where I grew up that get sent to deal with it…and die for it. Now for my readers is this from a movie or Israel:
I want this guy dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground! I want to go there in the middle of the night and piss on his ashes!
I’ll understand if you’re having a hard time guessing.
Andy Stitzer:This doesn’t feel right. Jay: Of course it don’t feel right! What has felt right for you doesn’t work! You need to try some wrong, dawg.
Since the 40 Year Old Virgin has been on for the last few weeks it’s made me recount my on personal history. Aside from a “this never happened before moment” the worst time was certainly the first time. The funny thing was after the nervousness and worry about inexperience the second time I was damn champ. That is not the focus of this post however. I would further like to add that after the first time I did not break into a rendition of “Age of Aquarius” either. As a matter of fact when the sun did shine it didn’t help the situation. The movie itself makes me think of this because although it didn’t take me as long, I did have a lot of attempts and almosts before I actually did the deed. When I really think about I could have been knee deep in shepards daughters if I hadn’t been so worried about not being experienced. So, I’m chilling around the corner (actually around a few corners) from my house with my man Ike. I got mad dough cause the prom had been the night before and I didn’t really do much. So I come to kick it with him and I’m buy the smoke and the drinks. This was when those St. Ides Special brews were first coming out so of course we ended up pretty drunk. I had established my anti-sweet drink rule yet. We’re chilling in front of these girls house getting lit, wet and anything else you can get. I don’t know any of these girls and I’m not really thinking about them too much. When one of them starts talking about me to Ike. She’s telling him I’m cute and all this. Now despite my inexperience I’ve always had the ability to flirt, it’s like the force and I’m Luke Skywalker…it’s in my blood. I pick up on what she’s putting down and being drunk I kick into flirting overdrive. The she just drops it on me. “Why don’t you come in here with me then?” Honestly I got a little nervous cause I didn’t expect that at all. The dark side of my flirting is that sometimes I have to back out of situations cause I think it’s an exhibition when the other team acts like it’s the playoffs. So I’m nervous, but I’m also drunk and cocky. A little secret about we Sagittarii, we will talk trash but when challenged we will back it up especially when spectators are present. So I’m walking to my fate and I have mixed feelings. I’m thinking that there are people outside to know if I do bad. I’m pumped that it’s about to go down. I’m hoping she won’t get in here and fake like I’d experienced in the past. So I was rather pleased to find she was serious. At least I was for the entire minute it lasted. I would later be glad that I didn’t try any kissing and kept it simple. Of course I was also disappointed that I only really got to get the feel…then I fell off. So I go back outside to my man’s drunken praise. I did try for a second round, but she wasn’t with it. The real issues start to kick off the next day. I go back around there and everybody knows I knocked this girl off (or to be more accurate she knocked me off). Problem is the other guys around the way starting joking me…they don’t have details, but they’re saying they heard she had AIDS and any other STD that we knew about at the time. Like all young men who’ve only had close calls of course I had some rubbers and used them, this didn’t stop me from having some nervous voices in my head. Then me and Ike are chilling by the house and she comes out. We start rapping and I’m trying to go again…but then I started to really look at her. I knew she wasn’t gorgeous or anything, but in the sunlight without any St. Ides in my system I really got the picture. It seems that she had gold caps on two of her teeth and that underneath those caps there was some rotting going on. When I peeped that I started to really scrutinize her and I had an epiphany. The sky opened and a choir sang, I saw the mountains move and a heavenly voice whispered in my ear, “You ran up in a HOOD RAT!” She was outside in a T-shirt and no drawers. She had left some of the hair she had last night in the house. She looked crusty, dusty and I was glad that my Twig and Giggleberries hadn’t exploded on contact with her. As I eased my way off the porch I realized that the next time I would have to see the girl when I was sober and while she was standing under one of the lights detectives use to question people.
After I said a prayer to protect me from all venerial diseases and to keep me sober when talking to girls. My man Ike put me down with something. He said that all the guys around that way had been trying to get at her since she moved in and it pissed them off a little bit that I just came through and got it without trying. That’s when I found out that my standards were higher than the average teenage male. At least around the 21st street area. So I didn’t get anything from here but a minute of drunken delight…and a couple days of worrying. I did however go on that summer to run through a lot of young ladies. I guess once that inital obstacle was over nothing could stop me. I have to say in my history that summer I was the most active I have ever been in my life. I worked the girls at CVS. A few more decent girls I meet through Ike. Some girls I was meeting through a girl I was friends with. And of course the random girls I was picking up at the Inner Harbor. After that stumble I went on to have the Summer of Champions and I made damn sure that I would never have another one like the first to look back and regret…I came up with all new things to regret.
“All I can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!”
Bob Newhart (1929 - )
This is an Amadeo P.S.A. The best time of the year is upon us…at least in Bmore. There are festivals galore and the most wonderful one of all starts friday. Artscape my friends. Of course I’m glad that there will be good shows. Of course I’m glad I’ll run into a million people. Of course I’m glad I’ll be surrounded by lovely ladies in summer time glory. Most of all I’m glad that the Mayors craptacular band was not listed on the line-up. Give it up money you have a job. Anyway, peep the line up (or at least the line up I’m going to see):
Friday, July 21 7 p.m. Fertile Ground - neo-soul
8:30 p.m. Teena Marie - R&B/soul
Saturday, July 22 6:30 p.m. Goapele - neo soul
8:30 p.m. Common - hip hop/R&B
Sunday, July 23 6:30 p.m. Michael Franti & Spearhead - roots reggae
This what I call comfortable shoe day. Get dipped, throw on some smell goods, find a good parking spot and don’t go home to after midnight. If you can I recommend that you get there. Beyond the performances I listed there have to be about 50 more including dancing and theatre. There’s also vendors of all kinds, but most prevelant are artists with works for sale. This is the biggest, best and most eclectic event that this city has to offer and it’s one that I pray to never miss. Hell I’ve got off a plane and came straight in town to patronize Artscape. No amount of tired can dissuade me from going.
