Andy Stitzer: This doesn’t feel right. Jay: Of course it don’t feel right! What has felt right for you doesn’t work! You need to try some wrong, dawg.

Since the 40 Year Old Virgin has been on for the last few weeks it’s made me recount my on personal history. Aside from a “this never happened before moment” the worst time was certainly the first time. The funny thing was after the nervousness and worry about inexperience the second time I was damn champ. That is not the focus of this post however. I would further like to add that after the first time I did not break into a rendition of “Age of Aquarius” either. As a matter of fact when the sun did shine it didn’t help the situation. The movie itself makes me think of this because although it didn’t take me as long, I did have a lot of attempts and almosts before I actually did the deed. When I really think about I could have been knee deep in shepards daughters if I hadn’t been so worried about not being experienced. So, I’m chilling around the corner (actually around a few corners) from my house with my man Ike. I got mad dough cause the prom had been the night before and I didn’t really do much. So I come to kick it with him and I’m buy the smoke and the drinks. This was when those St. Ides Special brews were first coming out so of course we ended up pretty drunk. I had established my anti-sweet drink rule yet. We’re chilling in front of these girls house getting lit, wet and anything else you can get. I don’t know any of these girls and I’m not really thinking about them too much. When one of them starts talking about me to Ike. She’s telling him I’m cute and all this. Now despite my inexperience I’ve always had the ability to flirt, it’s like the force and I’m Luke Skywalker…it’s in my blood. I pick up on what she’s putting down and being drunk I kick into flirting overdrive. The she just drops it on me. “Why don’t you come in here with me then?” Honestly I got a little nervous cause I didn’t expect that at all. The dark side of my flirting is that sometimes I have to back out of situations cause I think it’s an exhibition when the other team acts like it’s the playoffs. So I’m nervous, but I’m also drunk and cocky. A little secret about we Sagittarii, we will talk trash but when challenged we will back it up especially when spectators are present. So I’m walking to my fate and I have mixed feelings. I’m thinking that there are people outside to know if I do bad. I’m pumped that it’s about to go down. I’m hoping she won’t get in here and fake like I’d experienced in the past. So I was rather pleased to find she was serious. At least I was for the entire minute it lasted. I would later be glad that I didn’t try any kissing and kept it simple. Of course I was also disappointed that I only really got to get the feel…then I fell off. So I go back outside to my man’s drunken praise. I did try for a second round, but she wasn’t with it. The real issues start to kick off the next day. I go back around there and everybody knows I knocked this girl off (or to be more accurate she knocked me off). Problem is the other guys around the way starting joking me…they don’t have details, but they’re saying they heard she had AIDS and any other STD that we knew about at the time. Like all young men who’ve only had close calls of course I had some rubbers and used them, this didn’t stop me from having some nervous voices in my head. Then me and Ike are chilling by the house and she comes out. We start rapping and I’m trying to go again…but then I started to really look at her. I knew she wasn’t gorgeous or anything, but in the sunlight without any St. Ides in my system I really got the picture. It seems that she had gold caps on two of her teeth and that underneath those caps there was some rotting going on. When I peeped that I started to really scrutinize her and I had an epiphany. The sky opened and a choir sang, I saw the mountains move and a heavenly voice whispered in my ear, “You ran up in a HOOD RAT!” She was outside in a T-shirt and no drawers. She had left some of the hair she had last night in the house. She looked crusty, dusty and I was glad that my Twig and Giggleberries hadn’t exploded on contact with her. As I eased my way off the porch I realized that the next time I would have to see the girl when I was sober and while she was standing under one of the lights detectives use to question people.

After I said a prayer to protect me from all venerial diseases and to keep me sober when talking to girls. My man Ike put me down with something. He said that all the guys around that way had been trying to get at her since she moved in and it pissed them off a little bit that I just came through and got it without trying. That’s when I found out that my standards were higher than the average teenage male. At least around the 21st street area. So I didn’t get anything from here but a minute of drunken delight…and a couple days of worrying. I did however go on that summer to run through a lot of young ladies. I guess once that inital obstacle was over nothing could stop me. I have to say in my history that summer I was the most active I have ever been in my life. I worked the girls at CVS. A few more decent girls I meet through Ike. Some girls I was meeting through a girl I was friends with. And of course the random girls I was picking up at the Inner Harbor. After that stumble I went on to have the Summer of Champions and I made damn sure that I would never have another one like the first to look back and regret…I came up with all new things to regret.