retrosexual (ret.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. A man with an undeveloped aesthetic sense who spends as little time and money as possible on his appearance and lifestyle.

metrosexual (met.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. An urban male with a strong aesthetic sense who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle.

All of the definitions. The variations. I’m sick of all of it I’ve been called a metrosexual but I refuse the title. I also refuse the title of retrosexual cause, hell why can’t I just be a man. So here is the manifesto. I won’t make a classification for this. A real man doesn’t fit into a box unless you call him good.

I being of sound mind and body do declare that I am a man. As such I work and earn money to provide for myself and my family(if I have one). I own clothes that I can do physical work in and I own clothes I could wear in an office. I lift furniture and carry things. I may not know how to assemble a car or build a house but, I can fix things and I do own some tools. I don’t get manicures, not cause I think it’s sissy but, I might have to do some type of work that would render it useless so I don’t bother. I clip my nails cause you can’t give strong dap when your nails are long. I can cook but, I won’t be the only person in the house cooking things. I don’t cry whenever I feel sad, as a man I have to show strength so that other men won’t try to get over on me. I know that I must be ready to fight. I can think it’s barbaric or childish, but I won’t get my ass whooped without putting up a strong effort. I am a gentleman, as such I understand that gratitude is the price of chivalry so those who brush off my efforts are not eligible to receive them. I can build a fire and use microsoft office. I have feelings and they run deep but, I do not let them rule me. I know that my feelings won’t matter as much as my responsibilities so that’s what I focus on. I know what quality is: in women, clothes, drinks and more. I know that a particular name doesn’t equate quality but, some names have proved theirs over time. I understand that everything I do is with the ultimate goal of making life better for my future generations so they come first. I can handle my drinks and if I can’t I know whatever I do is my fault. I don’t chase women cause they aren’t inclined to run away from me. I don’t follow fads cause the essence of me can’t be captured in one moment and certainly not by a trend. I know how to love and make love to a woman but, I also understand what she should do for me. I do not have to be flashy cause I know the people who I need to connect with can see my virtue, besides I don’t need to advertise cause I’m not for sale. I can and will dance just not to everything. I avoid violence but, I will hit someone first under the right circumstances. I try to do the right thing. I don’t need to just watch movies with explosions and gunfire. I will not watch movies I label as “marketed to women” unless it’s for research purposes. I don’t need to be overly aggressive. I don’t have to make threats. I curse, just not every other word. I can give women my opinion on clothes and shoes up to a certain point. We don’t have as many choices ladies so we don’t have as many options, plus after 7 pairs how can I really stay interested? I am not obligated to have an opinion about a purse. Only men with man bags should have an opinion about a purse. I do not carry a man-bag. Taking off my hat inside is a personal choice. Having a lotion or soap with Vitamin E or Aloe is not a big deal. I wear scents but, my dresser doesn’t look like a beauty section in a department store. I know one of the great joys is sitting in my boxers with a cup of coffee and watching Sportscenter. I should not be asked stupid questions when watching football. I can and will turn down sex when I choose. The big head thinks for the little head…the little head can make suggestions though. I don’t gossip. I can hold a conversation on politics, art, culture, which linebacker is the greatest and which female pop-star could get it. I am not a sugar daddy. I’d rather talk in person than on the phone. I know that if I am married and I do manual labor my wife should cook something for me - for no other reason than no one should do sweaty, hard labor and not get fed..even inmates on the chain gang don’t have to cook for themsleves. I know that a cop, a mayor or a president are only people and are not to be obeyed without question.

To be continued…

Any suggestions?

“In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain.”
Pliny the Elder (23 AD - 79 AD)

I have some inner conflict and turmoil going on. I’m trying to make up my mind as to how I feel. You see folks, with football season all a swinging I have two interests. One is the Ravens and the other is The Abattoir, my fantasy football team. One had a resounding victory while the other had a close loss. I would have won had I used my other kicker, but instead I lost by 1.32 points. I don’t know if I can qualify that as points (plural). All because of the Raiders inability to get within field goal range. I knew the Raiders would suck. I catually figured that they wouldn’t get a touchdown and that’s why I used their kicker. I never thought they couldn’t even get within spitting distance of the endzone. Meanwhile my other kicker scored seven points. A healthy margin that would have lifted my past my opponent. Usually when my team wins or loses it directly effects my mood for the week. So naturally it’s hard to know how to feel when the Ravens put a 27-0 whalloping (yes I said whalloping) on the Bucs. Starting the season off right in the place where they won a championship. Everything clicked for them. So they won , but I lost. Everything went well for them, one thing went bad for me. It seems fitting that the last two active players me and my opponent had were playing in the last game of the week against each other. Fantasy football is my new addiction. Too bad I have Delhomme and Bledsoe (you scrub). I vow to all that read this that I will not give up. I will fight on the sidelines, between the hashmarks and in the endzone. For now I need a moment to sort out my feelings.