Eye on the impossible, grips on the intangible. Happily pissing into the wind and teaching your children to do things that make me laugh for over a quarter century.
“I tell people, let’s don’t fear the future, let’s shape it.” –George W. Bush June 7, 2006
Dubya is like if you put Dark Helmet on the DeathStar. His theme music would be the Imperial March, but played with Kazoos. I don’t think anyone has ever been such a bad public speaker and come across as an idiot while anally raping the citizenry. The more I look around the more things I notice going down. I swear the Star Wars series is going to become my guide to life I just need to find me an Obi-Wan, I think I have a Han Solo. So first Bush signs the Military Commissions Act which basically can make habeas corpus null and void. I’ve had a few e-debates about this. My concern is if someone is connected to a terrorist organization or going to commit an act of terrorism you should still be able to prove it. This means that if you use the “Secret Word” all hell can break lose.
Then peep the Palpatine status move at the same time he signed the John Warner Defense Authorization Act of 2007. This makes it easier to put Martial Law into effect anywhere in the United States. I will say this his new laws do go well together. One gives more room to do things to those who are determined to be enemies of the state and the other makes it easier to take control of the state itself. Where the hell is Mon Mothma when you need her? Of course while this is all going on. The people who support it would rather focus our attention on the Judicial Tyranny in New Jersey. Oh no! They wanna let the gays get married! Meanwhile I’m equating tyranny more to the above laws signed. If Adam and Steve get married it won’t get me KGBed cause I wasn’t in line. In discussions with people I’ve heard things like “I don’t mind if it protects me.” Being that while the Constitution and all that was signed my peoples were still eating all the parts of the pig that Massa didn’t want, I’m no so much a fan of “The Founding Fathers” (They paid our way through college, but molested us as a child.) However, you can depend on them for some good quotes and Benjamin Franklin said this: “Those who would trade their freedom for their security deserve neither.” I tend to agree. My man Dallas laid out the whole geography of the Administrative landscape. No matter what Lucas says this picture is becoming clearer everyday. So I will send this warning out there to N. Korea, Iran and anyone else who is bucking right now…The Seperatists got done in at the end of the movie.
The most amazing part of all of this (to me) is that people still think Bush is a conservative. Considering conservatives like to keep Government spending to a minimum and are historically not in favor of big government or government determining aspects of our private life and Dubya does all of this before lunch. Hey, don’t worry about any of this though…let’s just keep these gays from getting married. I mean it’ll ruin the institution. People will fall into chaos all over the country. Gays getting married! 40 years of darkness! Rivers of Blood! Cats and Dogs living together! There is no concern though cause G. Double can just declare martial law and have all those people guided to safe secure places. You won’t even have to worry about calling your lawyer! Best of all we know how white folks are always worried about looting…under martial law you can just shoot the looters and go on about your business. Move along, Move along.
I hear it alot. Whenever a black person in the spotlight mentions discrimination of any kind somebody (usually someone white) declares shenanigans on the basis of the race card. I always think that’s bullshit. Perhaps there has been a person of color in a situation that used the negative treatment of their race to validate some failing on their part. The thing is the race card is more valid than most people want to admit. However, the race card is a double edged sword and those who wield it are cut by it more often than they can use it on another. I carry the race card like it’s my drivers license the difference is providing my I.D. can keep me from getting locked up. The race card can be the reason I’m getting locked up. The more accurate description would be the race card is a credit card and every month we have to pay at least the minimum balance on it. The race card is thrown in my face more than I can whip it out…as a matter of fact I can’t recall every getting to play it. On a daily basis though, it comes up. When I walk past University of Maryland (the hospital and the school) it comes up. I watch every day as people try to exert the subtle energy it takes to move out of my way. I notice when people stop walking and pretend to let something attract their attention long enough for me to move from behind them. They always lose interest in whatever it was once I’ve passed by. I notice (it’s hard not to) when people stare at me from a block away and then don’t speak when I say hello. I notice when people tense up, but don’t move away from me as they walk by. I notice when cops and security guards try to take a different tone with me. I notice when the salesperson keeps an eye on me in the store. In fact for me alot of these things are amplified. I mean who the hell is afraid of a guy wearing a sport coat drinking a mocha latte? Plenty of folks. My tastes that are outside of the mainstream just put me in places where there aren’t alot of black people. More often than not when I walk in peoples antenna goes up. Sometimes I start conversations with clerks so they can chill out and realize I have an interest in what they’re selling and don’t plan to rob them. One of the saddest things about the experiences I’ve just related is that the people in question aren’t always white. Alot of the time it’s the elders whom I’ve been taught to respect that show the most fear. It’s getting to the point that when an elder speaks to me in a friendly manner I want to stop and have a conversation. However, the race card remains…I get to see all types of wonderful garbage like this…
The race card has never been a free ride. It’s very essence is strife. As a matter of fact it’s even becoming a matter of contention with the sistas. “The problem with black men is…” I was still trying to get past to problem with men in general. I wasn’t really ready to deal with a slew of issues directed right at me. I’ve thought about this recently cause I visited some forums for a tech/gaming network and it seems like everyday some thread pops up saying something about black people. I’d realized: 1) that football season will be over by the time I get around to buying Madden ‘07. 2) there isn’t much real political debate there anymore. 3) people my age and older are a rarity these days. Given these factor I was considering not checking in anymore. I just keep noticing all of these weak ass threads and then I watched as the few black kids on there would try to stick up for…us. So I now I keep checking in to lend some intelligent counter-weight to such situations. The sad thing may be that the most effective tool I have is a simple insult. For instance there was a thread about “black people” talk and I ruined everyones fun by joking about the Bostonian accent. Or after that when someone put up a video of a drive by with a heading “Look how far black people have come in their struggle for equal rights”. I once again pissed them all off by displaying a picture of some mullet rocking redneck. So I have a race card…but I can’t seem to get it out faster than it’s thrown in my face.
“The eternal silence of these infinite spaces fills me with dread.” Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)
Yes I lied. I said I had left my Anhedonia behind. Well if I did it caught back up with me. I need something new. I was out of the office for three days last week and upon my return it felt like the joy was slowly being sucked out of me. I need to mix it up. Gotta get something new going in rotation. I’ve had several thoughts over the last few days…thoughts I intend to express in upcoming posts. I do know I this I’d prefer to have a job that showed more results. I was at a training run by a cat that I’ve met and trained under before. He seems like he wants to get me to work for him and I can dig it. See, my skills translate into my job…it’s just that my job has a whole bunch of crap that doesn’t translate well into me. I know for a fact it’s like this with many jobs. You find a passion and someone else bogs it down with so much paperwork and procedure that eventually it seems like you’re not even doing what you love anymore. I wish I could go back to working with the afterschool program…then again they let me go over some financial nonsense…paperwork I didn’t get to see. They say we borrow the world from our children, I swear it wasn’t like this when I gave it away.
I’ve been lazy this week…well for a few weeks so I’ll continue to be lazy and instead of actually coming up with something I’ll let Youtube do the work for me. Here are some things that may give you some insight into my sickness, or not.
No body in my office could remember this and that’s just sad.
“I’d like to wear a rainbow every day, and tell the world that everything is o.k. But I’ll try to carry off a little darkness on my back. Until things are brighter, I’m the Man in Black.” Johnny Cash quote
Johnny Cash was the man. Think about it. Not only did he sell, give a good performance and speak to the people. He went from what was considered Rock n’ Roll and when everybody changed their style and started using electric guitars he stayed the same and despite being considered country he kept his appeal. Johnny Cash was the working man’s singer. Hell, he was the working-man’s-locked-up-brothers-singer. This man sold around 50 million albums and despite all of his money he stayed in touch with the poorest segment of the population. What does he have in common with Hip Hop (or what did they share once)? Three things Hardcore, compassion and remorse. Johnny kept all three until he died. Hip-Hop started to die when it lost the latter two. I remember a time when people talked about big cars and nice clothes. The thing was they didn’t have any of it. They wanted it to be sure, however, they acknowledged that they weren’t there. That’s what made them a part of us. Not because they were black, because they were where we were. Now they don’t live like us…hell, alot of them don’t live like they say. The ones that don’t don’t relate anymore and have a whole section of “us” fronting like we live in a manner that we don’t. People have always tried to jump status. Now the difference is I see alot more nice cars in the wrong neighborhoods. They may draw a second look, but a Hummer will not raise your property value. I like nice things, but I also don’t want to live beyond my means. Rather, I don’t want to drive my dope ass car to my beat down house. I like to dress nice, but realistically I’ll buy $20 Old Navy jeans until I die to keep some money in my pocket. Johnny Cash once said “Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world except money.” For some reason alot of people who came up on the same music as me seem to think that the amounts of money they have made exempt them from worrying about anything. Perhaps they’re just really that shallow that they think money is the only thing to worry about…honestly that makes Hip-Hop sort of vapid. Without having any real money I used to party at least three nights a week and alot of the time more than that. What happened? It got boring. I wanted more, I wanted something new. Eventually I stopped partying with strangers and only wanted to be around folks I knew. I kept thinking, “Isn’t there something else”. Party and Bullshit is an accurate phrase. That’s why I can’t listen to most of this Hip-Hop. It doesn’t give me anything else. Just for the sake of clarity there are always groups and emcees who give me something, the thing is we don’t get to hear them every hour on the hour. I’m sure that the same people that want this to continue are the Nixons who wanted Johnny Cash to sing “Welfare Cadillac“. The difference is Johnny sang “What is Truth” instead. Some of us are driving those welfare cadillacs. I can’t totally blame Emcees, it’s the people too and they just come from the people. The problem is when the people were like this the music wasn’t. The music changed quicker. The music amped up the purchases and gave them new things to spend money on. Kimora Lee-Simmons washed her feet in something I would waste (a large chunk) of my money on. I’ll roll with Johnny for now though. I get the feeling he would probably order a beer over a bottle of expensive alcoholic soda. As it stands Hip Hop no longer represents for the “poor and beaten down, living on the hopless, hungry side of town”. So until the day Hip-Hop gets it’s act together I guess I’ll be the Man in Black.
“Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.” Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
I keep my hat on inside and I don’t feel bad about it. I have been told that it’s considered rude but, I don’t listen to those who say so. Why? Because when I ask why it’s wrong no one could ever tell me. It’s one of those things that people adhere to without really believing in it. I say they don’t believe in it cause how do you believe in something you really can’t explain at all? Take for instance pouring out some liquor. The reason that people do that today is the same reason people have done it for thousands of years. Even if you don’t know that it’s been done for so long, you are doing it for the same reason. Did you know that people used to wave at each other to show that they were not only friendly but, that they bore no weapons? Is that why you wave at folks? Probably not since a gun is easier to hide than a sword but, the intent is usually the same…a show of friendly greeting. So why do men take of their hats when women don’t have to. Or more to the point why don’t women have to. My friends break out your pens or save this page or something cause I have come to explain. Women were allowed to keep their hats on because it was considered a part of their outfits. We’re not talking about “caps” These are hats, the kind you put hat pins in. You wouldn’t ask a woman to take off her hat because it was like saying take some of your clothes off and was considered improper. Even in church (which may be the only place you’ll see a woman wearing this type of hat now) she kept her hat on. If she was invited to a tea she was expected to wear a hat to it. On the other end of the spectrum a man would take off his hat but, not everywhere. In an elevator he keeps it on, unless a woman enters. He wears it in a hallway but, if a woman passed by he would lift or tip it to show respect. Actually the only time a man would leave his hat on when speaking with a woman is when they are walking togther. By the by, tipping your hat to a man is like calling him a woman. So when I see women wearing the wrong types of hats inside I choose not to remove mine. Why be slave to a rule that isn’t even understood by the people who are trying to enforce it on me? People I’m around can’t even get responding the to people who say hello to you thing down. Most people don’t even know how rude it is to use your left hand for alot of things. Not to mention that in a lot of cultures a man having his head covered is the decent thing to do. Besides, when I’m keeping my shades on anyway who cares about a hat? All throughout history old men with power have kept little boys around with the purpose of sleeping with them. Gymnasium anyone? Even though the purpose of it is the same as it’s always been the same this is a tradition that is well beyond it’s time. I’ve heard it said that it shouldn’t matter cause the “kid” in question is a young man of 16 years old. When I’m 52 let me be caught giving 16 year old girls on the internet the Austin Powers…Do I make you horny? No matter what it’s wrong as wrong can be. Infact any elder who uses their position and so forth to hit on youth who are placed near you to learn something is just detestable. However, there is something here that bothers me even more. No it’s not the fact that Foley was a champion of catching internet predators (really though how you put yourself in that position and then get caught cause of what you did on the internet is just…special). There is another newer tradition that I hope will one day no longer be recognized. I call it the apology confernece. Where you get the press together and apologize. Where people judge your honesty on how contrite you sound. The added bonus is when you throw out buffers between you and the wrong action. I could get away with a lot of things by just saying I’m an alcoholic and I was abused as a child. I wonder if that could get me out of jury duty…it’s got to be good for at least a week of sick time. Perhaps one day my descendats will be intelligent enough to let someone know that having a press conference and revealing your secrets doesn’t absolve you of your actions. I mean it’s getting to the point where you can’t send your kids to be soldiers or congressional pages without some politician trying to fuck them over. What’s worse for these kids is they can join the armed forces, be a congressmans boy toy and elect the wrong president all before they can legally have a drink to numb themselves to the after effects.
“The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear. “ Herbert Agar
So I’m playing the game (Everrrrrrrybody play the gaaaaaaaame) and this is my charge:
Nik -scola hit me with this… When was the first time you fell in love, and i’m not talking about that kiddie type love, i’m talking about the kind of love where you saw yourself married to her. what were her qualities and what led to the relationship ending?
This is a hard question for me. My definition of love has changed drastically. So do I answer with my current definition or with my old state of mind? I think the answer might actually be the same for both. Let me explain some things first. I wouldn’t call myself a player and I can pull some numbers, however, I never was the type to fool around on girls. Meaning I hurt someone once early in the game (although I have never cheated) and I wanted to prevent it from happening again. So I had a rule. I would let them know up front if I really wasn’t trying to get into a serious relationship. This didn’t always work but, I ended up with more flings than actual girlfriends. To this date there are only about 4 women who have been my “girlfriend” and to be honest I don’t think I was in love with any of them. I believe we were really only having fun. I would say that I have never been in love (which is probably true) but, I’m certain that I did love someone and just like some sappy tale of unrequited love we were never together. As a matter of fact the person I’m thinking of has commented on this blog before. Despite the fact that they were never my girlfriend they are the person I still think about. I actually never think about any of my ex-girlfriends unless I hear something about them. No I wish I was still with her type daydreams (well save for one but, that’s not about love that is pure lust and she had talent). So anyway here is the business.
An Eritrean girl I met a poetry function. She was younger than me at the time and younger than 18 which was a problem in and of itself. There are certain rules I follow and one of them was to not get caught up with a girl who is not of age. Now as I tell my clients, don’t believe that Ethiopians or Eritreans look like the people in those commercials that tell you you can help for less than the price of a cup of coffee. She was gorgeous. Luckily she went to school with a younger member of my crew and that facilitated contact. We hooked up and start rapping. Honestly my plan was to try and just “be around” until she was older. I don’t know what folks will make of it but, that’s what I did. I could lie and say I was just wanted to be friends but, I don’t really have many female friends and I try to avoid having them. You better bet if I’m a womans friend I got there by mistake…or I found out that I couldn’t deal or even sleep with her for some reason and she was cool enough to still talk to. It’s a short list people. Anyway, time is passing and we are kicking it. Everyday I like her a little bit more, I mean she was just a cool sista. She was beautiful and her smile made me feel good. She was very upfront when she spoke to people. Most of all she was just…cool. She used to go to the spots I would go to and we would chill. We would get up and kick it on the one and one. Perhaps indulge in some relaxing activities and such. Anyway during this time (though we didn’t discuss it - at least I didn’t) we are both dealing with other people. I do know that she had at least two relationships during this period but, I don’t think I had any. I was just playing the scene and doing my thing, deep down I knew that I was holding that spot for her. It all tripped my out cause I usually dated women who on average were 4 or more years older than me and she’s like 3 the other way. She was one of the only of our friends who would come to the house me and my ace rented in the hood. I mean across-the-street-from-the-dope-strip-hood hood. I would let her hear the things I was writing before I performed them and she would let me check out what she wrote. On our birthdays we would even give each other those fancy books from Barnes and Nobles that you can write in. I still have the last one she gave me. It has a leather cover that you bind shut. I always meant to put final versions of my songs in there but, I never wanted to put something in it in case I didn’t like it later. She was a whirlwind. She spun me around. Even though I was getting down on a regular basis I always thought about her. Sometimes I would forget we weren’t together and I would feel like I was cheating. I mean when a girl spends the night at your house and the first person you think of talking to afterwards is a different girl…messes with the mind. Anyway something started to happen. I really started to care…actually I started to love her. When I say love I mean the willingness to give of yourself in order to help someone become the best version of themselves they can be, without wanting anything in return. I was always available to help. If she would call me I would be there. I would comfort, give advice (and not that advice that just validates peoples choices). I really wanted to see her shine. Time passed and we got busy, she was in school and I was working and doing my thing. Eventually we came together and would hang out more. Around this time I had a fling with a girl and before anything could happen she messed up and I discontinued relations. Well that night we were all in the same place and she was mugging on the girl I really felt something for. It was mentioned to me but, I didn’t bother to go into the story - like I said I didn’t bring up the things I was doing. This continued for a couple weeks and in that time me and my friend had been talking more and more. Eventually I broke and told her how I felt. We kept talking things over and she asked me for time. I’m chilling at her job and every now and again I guy I know through her would be there. Well folks it comes to light that this guy is her boyfriend. So I, in my anger, go to her job one day with a letter she wrote me and a necklace she gave me and returned it. Needless to say this caused some confusion as dude was there at the time. That pretty much ended it. One of the wildest twists in this whole tale was I had wrote a song…basically for her. It was one of the best songs I ever wrote and I performed it with a live band with her in the audience…with dude there as well. This just fueled my anger even more in retrospect. I struck out and started doing my thing HARD I can’t tell you how many women were really serving as a release for what I was feeling. They may have thought I was digging them but, I was really just trying to prove to myself that I didn’t need her. I’ve spoken to her recently and while things are kept cordial I can’t help but, wonder if there will ever be a chance for anything to happen…and then if would pursue it. I wonder if I should have gone for her from the jump or if I did the right thing. The only thing I’m sure of is that marked me, if I was a weaker person I would claim that as the reason I shun emotional connection. I don’t. I know it was a stone one the path. Perhaps it will turn up again. I do believe that is the closest I ever came to being in love.
This is something I acutally blogged about before in what I now dub Amadeo Classic if you want to read the old one than here it is.
“Every genuine boy is a rebel and an anarch. If he were allowed to develop according to his own instincts, his own inclinations, society would undergo such a radical transformation as to make the adult revolutionary cower and cringe.” John Andrew Holmes
What happened to boys? Not that “boys will be boys” sentiment where a guy can get in trouble and we let it go. I mean the thought that boys and girls are not exactly alike - beyond genitalia. I’m worried about boys and when I bring this up I usually get ignored. I’m worried that the largest percent of of people diagnosed with ADHD are boys. I’m worried that in 1999 10-12% of boys between 6 - 14 years old were taking it. I don’t even wanna speculate on what the number is now. I have worked with young people for the last 9 years of my life ranging from age 5 up to hell two years younger than me (I’m still young no matter what my birth certificate says). No matter what anyone tries to pawn on the general public I know that boys and girls are different. The things I had to do to motivate them (as a whole) were not the same. I was once let go and told that part of it was that I roughhoused with the boys. Now folks I’m sorry but, the whole roughhousing thing is some garbage to me. Especially in this case: I could just tell most of the girls it was time to do homework and they would do it. The boys were always restless and wanting to run around until I did something. I “L’d” (Like the shape your arms make in the choke hold) one of them out.
I didn’t choke the kid or anything but, I wrestled with him a little bit. When I stopped and he wanted to keep playing I made a deal, you do your homework first and I’ll L you out. You know what happened? Shorty sat down and did his work. The next day he brought his little homeboy and asked me to L him out as well. I said you know the deal. Them little dudes was doing their homework the way an inmate eats food. The funny thing was I’m thinking the prize they get is me L-ing them out and they love it!!! Eventually I had about 6 little boys everyday working hard on their homework with visions of chokeholds dancing in their heads. So was what I did a bad thing? Did I cause disruption and promote unruly behavior? Or an even better question for the modern folks - when you were little how many little boys did you know who could sit still and listen for 6 hours straight? I sure couldn’t and I wasn’t even disruptive. It’s funny how things that our grandmothers and mothers could work out back then that we suddenly need to medicate people for. I recognize that we are a drug taking culture in this country. Adults will take drugs for anything. If I said I have a drug that will make sure your underwear never rides up I would make a fortune. My question is, is it right that we pass this on to our children. Is it really the move that we don’t engage their energy and drug them to put them in a state that’s easy for us to deal with? I have a rule, whenever a child asks to help me with something I give them something to do. I know too many parents who always tell their children not now, you can’t do anything or some variation and then later in life they wonder why their kid never wants to do anything. I submit that you didn’t engage the interest they initially had so you can’t expect them to have kept it into teenage years. I can’t imagine that we are suddenly unable to deal with our kids. Perhaps part of it is that we leave teachers in bad situations, dealing with too many kids without the authority to do much. In that case who wouldn’t rather have some of them sedated? Honestly, I wouldn’t. I remember a young man at a group home I worked with. He was the one you have to get to in the group. When you get him you have everyone else. He’s the leader, pretty intelligent, charasmatic and open to listen to common sense. I had him, he listened to me. He spread my words to the group, not verbatum per se. He could convert the jewel. He understood what I meant and he could translate it…and he would. But I lost him. We didn’t have a disagreement. He didn’t go home. They finally got his meds. From that point on this boy would sleep all day long. From the time I got there until I left he was knocked out and despite what I said the explanation I was given is, “That’s his meds”. Now I don’t know what his diagnosis was but, I do know what his personality was before meds. Post meds, he wasn’t even there. He wasn’t ever a problem and he was very easy to manage. He was a person before now, he was just a body. I don’t know about you folks but, I think the wildest colts make the best horses.
