“I’ll pour the wine and you can tell me what you like best about me.”
Ben Skywalker

So the whole romance thing…yeah. The ladies love it in movie form. However, I have found that in real life it’s only welcome from a guy they’re already interested in…and even then it doesn’t always go over well. When I listen to songs from other decades or hear peoples comments on movies I realize that the book on romance needs some editing. Even music, one of the facilitators of romance, can be used to prove my point.

1) Every Breath You Take
We all know this song. In recent years, however, it has morphed into the stalkers theme song. I assure you if you speak the lyrics to this song to someone who doesn’t know them you will most likely end up in cuffs. The sad thing is that even stalking itself (sans stealing someones underwear and sitting outside their house) basically can be misconstrued from something innocent. I can think of many times in my life I’ve set myself up to be in a certain place at a certain time so I could see that certain girl. Hell I do it to this day. Right now there’s a woman that if I knew her work schedule I’d sync my Venti Mocha urges with them.

2) I Belong to You
…and you belong to me too. Doesn’t that just sound like an obsessive bastard who’s a little too concerned with “Every Breathe You Take”? I mean we could have a potential abusive realtionship starting here. Is this guy gonna tell you to stay home instead of going out with your friends? Will he try to cut you off from your family? Perhaps he should have just went the non-scary route and said, “I’m really comfortable with you”. That doesn’t sound very romantic…but it will keep you out of jail. The whole thing rings of…well look

3) Spider-Webs
It’s all your fault that she screens her phone calls. Your persistant ass has not understood that she is not playing hard to get. She doesn’t want to talk to you. Of course if she had just said that it may have made this whole situation a lot easier on everyone. I read somewhere that a romantic thing you could do is call for no reason…I don’t buy it. I’m sorry but, I’m actually in the ranks of people who wants to receive as few phone calls as possible. Hearing from someone can make you feel good. Hearing from someone too much is just annoying. I have wanted to suggest that an ex get a hobby so she could be too busy to call me so much.

4) I Would Die 4 U
From what I’ve seen it’s a good idea to leave the word death out of conversations with lovers. Unless a funeral is involved or your talking about the crime rate. It might be cool to sneak a “la petite mort” in there. That only works if your audience is hip though. Stuff like this just starts to ring to much of murder/suicide type situaitons. “If I can’t have you no one can!” is not on the sexy phrase list. Keep death out of it.

5) Sunday
I was just thinking the other day about how many love songs reference Sunday in general. I probably have like 25 in my possession. I can say that I am guilty of trying to hump the knowledge that I return to work the following day out of my mind, c’mon who hasn’t? As I was contemplating this the other day I wondered if it was a conspiracy to get women to want to talk about your relationship in the middle of the football game. As open as I am that is one time during the week when I don’t really want to talk about anything else. Then consider the church goers. Fornicating on the holy day certainly won’t go over well with them. What place does morning wood have before service? I’m saying if all I want to do is watch football and fornicate on sunday I’m sure most women don’t find that romantic and those that do feel free to contact me…if the Ravens win some playoff games I’ll be very excited, Good Times!

6) Wrapped Around Your Finger
I swear that old Prince and Police songs are just rife with transgressions. Is this sexual harrassment? I mean they say it’s perception over intention. I won’t even touch Prince’s “Soft and Wet”. That’s just making a hostile work environment. Despite the fact that all good flirting involves some suggestion. You may not be saying, “You must be from heaven cause I’ve got an erection”(Robot Chicken - just watch it). The effect can still be the same. I find the whole act of flirting is just saying “We should be having sex right now” without saying it….unless it’s just me.

7) Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You
Psycho. No really that shyt can get you into trouble and it also seems to allude to numbers 1,2 and 6. One of the perks of my constant shade wearing is that I can check out the ladies (and suspicious folks) without them knowing about it. I’m saying, if you get caught staring at some cleavage or an ass you come off as a jerk. You get caught just staring at a woman it’s a whole other realm. Unless you can perform Jedi mind tricks. -Waves Hand-”I am not creeping you out” -Waves Hand-”You find this romantic”.

8) Can’t Let Go
O.K. I’ve come across several scenarios in movies where they break up and than the woman laments that he didn’t even try to win her back. Hell, I could imagine ex’s of mine with the same lament. Break up with me and I’m going to hit the bar and get my flirt on hard. I don’t know how to mend a broken heart but, I do know how to distract myself. Despite what Rosie and Prince said (and how true it may be) I will not be the one admitting any of that to someone who left me, it’s like all the cool instantly drains out of you. Some of you may say that’s the point, sacrificing youself to demonstrate your love. That’s probably what the guy who first left a long winded apology message on a girl’s answering machine thought…right before we learned those joints could be played for rooms full of your friends who never liked us.

“This art of resting the mind and the power of dismissing from it all care and worry is probably one of the secrets of energy in our great men.”
Captain J. A. Hadfield

Oh I didn’t see you there. Yeah so my director asked people to submit their vacation days and everyone picked the same days. As a result, everyone is off for the week! Hooray! Grovel and beg to be in my position pitiful mortals. So it seems I’ll be spending my week roaming the town, flirting with the girl in Starbucks and whatever else strikes my fancy. Of course I’ll come back and post. Some time. Hey don’t pressure me. If you had been blessed like this I would be happy for you. M’kay pumpkin? I’ve been surfing the web looking for movie trailers (lotta good stuff this summer). Loading the iPod. Calling women and men, “cats’ and “birds”. Waiting for the clothes I ordered to come through. Plotting on claiming more of those cookies my peoples baked. Y’know the usual stuff. I’d like to send out some condolences though. One to everybody in regards to James Brown. I’m going to go play “It’s a Man’s World”. Also an early one to the people of San Diego, you may not know it yet but, the Ravens will be ruining your chances of hoisting the Lombardi. Sorry - kinda. Anyway, I’m gonna go rock some GTA3 and then I’ll make my presence felt in the city proper. Enjoy kids.

“All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. “
Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

So yesterday I went over some ways to kill time while feining interest in being a productive employee. Today is for those who care not.

1) The Internet is for Sharing - Yes I have passed on “Dick in a Box” to co-workers and the joint with the dude from India getting busted on the telephone. Hell the internet is full of mind-degrading uneducational goodness and I feel as though my co-workers should be able to stifle their laughter the same as I did when I saw it.

2) I win the Internet - Sp what if I like to argue with teenage white kids on the interweb? For all their knowledge they have no wisdom and I like to point this out to them. It doesn’t change the world and it’s not considered a community service. It’s just something I like to do on company time.

3) Annoy - I’ve talked about pranking my coworkers but, I also like to annoy them. That’s right I just do annoying things. I like to move things they’re reading, or throw their pens. Just a moment I go I was throwing balled up scraps of paper at someone. It makes me feel good (No Halle Berry). Some times I just stand in peoples doorways and stare at them with my arms crossed. The beauty in this is it doesn’t even require much thought, it’s just hella fun to get the reactions you do.

4) Internet - The Quiet Side - During this week I have surfed a mighty sum. I will visit every blog I have a link for and then some of the blogs they have links to. I will go to wikipedia and search for things for no reason at all. I will go to sites to look at things I plan to buy and things I may never buy. I’ll price a Mini-Cooper just for the hell of it. I’ll pull up information about Squanto and Sammoset. Perhaps I’ll spend the whole day finding out what Ms.Dewey says.

5) I be Smoking - You non-smokers can’t take advantage of this but those who do should. I take smoke breaks. Since my time isn’t all regulated I may take 15 in a day. I might not even smoke but, that’s what people will think when I head out the door. Sometimes I just stare at the sky and try to guess the time by looking at the sun. Other times I just zone out and look at my boots.

6) Zone Out - Sometimes you just have to stare at things. Your desk, a wall, a pencil, you may even stare off into nothingness. When I say zone out I mean not really even thinking about anything just…zoning. You may hear music and you may not. It doesn’t matter.

7) Walk-about - Sometimes I just walk around the office. Not really to talk to anyone or do anything. I just walk around. I go out into the lobby. I go down into the basement. I walk to the computer lab. I go into the back offices. Sometimes I pretend I’m ice skating…but only for a few seconds at a time.

I would continue this but, I’m actually more interested in how you guys waste time when your hardly (or not even) working.

George’s Boss: It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George: (pause) Who said that?
George’s Boss: She did.
George: (long pause, obviously thinking of something to say) Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?

In honor of all those who just can’t wait to get the week the hell over with I present: ways to waste time at work.

So if for the moment you still care about giving the appearance of doing something than the following is for you.
1) The copier is my friend - When I do an intake there are about 30+ forms that I have to use. I spent the first half of the day simply making copies of those forms. I wouldn’t want to run out at the wrong time now would I?

2) Computer Clean-up - In these troubling times. our computers face so many threats. I find it imperative to run virus checks, delete old documents, Defragment, check for spy ware, re-organize files, and any thing else that will kill time.

3) A Cluttered Desk - When I say that other people tend to put things on my desk that is true. When I say I’m usually too busy to put everything away this is also true. I have found that having a cluttered desk gives you a chance to clean up. This could take quite a while. Some of these papers may be important…you never know.

4) The File Cabinet - Y’know despite alphabetical organization sometimes the files aren’t always properly placed. It’s important to make sure everything is in it’s correct spot. While you’re there you might as well look through the files to make sure everything is up to date. Who likes out of date files.

5) Re-Stock - Nothing is better than coming back to work and knowing you have everything you need. So at times like this I like to take a healthy look through the supplies to see what may be missing from my desk. Hey look we have rulers…not that I use need one.

6) Correspondence - As a professional one most continue to network and build strong ties, perhaps via email, Instant Messenger - hell you may even need to leave the office to go see people. Always keep your name on their lips. I’ve found that people who aren’t your boss tend not to care that you’re slacking off at their office. Yes I’m blogging, but I’m sharing ideas with other professionals!

7) Re-organize your drawers - You might be amazed at how much space you can gain by moving over the paper clips and putting pens in another drawer. For those of you who’ve noticed a pattern and are complaining: “But I’m always organized, I can’t do some of those.” Too bad no one told you to be neat at work. I just found a card from last Christmas in my desk.

8) To Do List -To some of you this may seem like actual work. For me, I’m the type that writes list and then can’t find them so I need a good memory anyway. Besides my goals remain the same. I don’t need a list to know what I have to do. It’s an excuse to zone out and then claim that I was thinking.

9) Organize your Calendar - Yeah another one. Well hell we’re moving into a new year. Might as well look ahead and start adding some things to your new calendar. Plus I tend to write numbers on mine so now is a good time to put them in the Rolodex.

10) Retrospective - I find that at these times it’s good to look back at the things you’ve done all year long. See where you’ve been so you can define where you’re going. Like I’ll take a look at some of my posts on Making Work Fun so I can write one tomorrow about things to do when you don’t care if it looks like you’re working or not.

“My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.”
Errol Flynn (1909 - 1959)

Alright people I’ll leave this topic be soon enough, I just though it might be nice to let you know the result of expressing my discontent. So anyway I basically wrote up a letter for my supervisors detailing all the mundane nonsense that they have me attend to. I also refused to do the latest assignment that was given to me. So I turn this in last friday on my way out the door, kinda like how they fire people on fridays. So the next week rolls around and I’m waiting to hear a response. I got nothing. All week long, nobody mentioned a thing. Then friday comes and we have our staff meeting. Right before the meeting my direct supervisor pulls me up and says she just spoke to the director and she would only be here another 45 days. WTF!?!?! The meeting starts right after I’m told this. The last thing on the agenda is…restructuring. Basically the positons parallel to mine that deal with adults are about to be filled. My direct supes position will be eliminated and replace with one to oversee the two departments. She was told that she could apply for this spot. Translation: they’ve been bumping heads and while she can apply she might as well do it somewhere else. After the meeting me and my co-worker are called into the directors office. Basically she is giving us a chance to be scared and ask question and so forth. However, I’m a quick study and once I saw the outline for the new staff layout I understood the deal. So as we’re leaving she asks me to stay. Now I’m a little noid. However, I had been waiting for something to come up in regards to my Fuck You Pay Me letter. So I’m crouched into my fighting stance (metaphorically speaking) when she tells me…I’m getting an 18% raise. Sumumabitch!!! Honestly I’m not sure how to feel. This will allow me to do alot more things but, I will have to deal with a new supervisor. That’s like having a new pet. Y0u gotta train them and break them in and what not. So in the end I got what I wanted. Now I just have to worry about the devil I don’t know.

“Get out? Oh, no, no, son. I have tried every way.”
Geppetto

Did you ever write something and not realize how profound it was until after you read it. When I say this I mean profound in many ways. I wrote something like that once and it helped me realize that one of the true mascots for love and unrequited love is Geppetto. I’ll explain:

I was writing this rhyme and it was a moment that many writers may have had, my pen was just moving…I compare it to doing a great freestyle, you’re not thinking about it you’re just doing it and it’s coming out great. Anyway I wrote this in the midst of that:
“…Lovelorn fellows/Pinocchios Geppetto/No strings/Still Cling/ Feelings Erupting…”

I didn’t think about until a couple days later. The no strings/Pinocchio reference was easy. However, it started to mean more when I thought about Geppetto. Geppetto may be on of the most deserving and downtrodden figures in literature. All he ever wanted was a son. So the blue fairy comes and gives life to one of his puppets…and all hell ensues. One of the first things this little prick starts doing is lying. Then he breaks out. Even with the benefit of having his conscious present in the form of another being he hardly ever actually listens. He’s put into forced labor. Then get’s himself kidnapped and turned into a jackass. To top it all off Geppetto goes to seek him out and ends up getting eaten by a whale. When I think about it, the should change the name of the song from “Everybody Plays the Fool” to “Everybody Plays Geppetto”. Money really put himself out there and showed some unbiased unconditional love for someone who didn’t really appreciate it until they found themselves in bad situations. Haven’t many of us had people like this in our lives. Be it a romantic or platonic love. Someone who doesn’t listen to your advice and proceeds directly into trouble. Someone who leaves the saftey you provide to go out into the world and screw up. Geppetto is like the nice guy in high school that watches his beloved next door neighbor date a slew of jerks and assholes. Even though he warned her they were there. Despite him showing her nothing but love and infinite patience. She never seems to get it until something really bad happens and she looks around to find that he’s the only one there who still cares about her. It’s the brother that doesn’t want to listen cause he feels like you’re trying to run his life. The one that walks right into the trouble you warn him of. The one you walk the streets pulling out of bad situations. The one who doesn’t understand until much later that you probably saved his life on numerous occasions. Some of us know the pain that Geppetto feels and we don’t always get the payout that he got in the end…well the updated end. Carlo Collodi originally wrote the book so that Pinocchio died at the end due to his many character flaws. It was his editor who requested he lengthen the story and make the ending happy…basically he told him to Hollywood it up. In life we rarely get the Hollywood ending. I can think of at least 3 times I was Geppetto and the only thing real at the end was bitterness. So support your local Geppetto…cause despite the fact that we’ve been him, when we see him we usually tell him to let go and move on. Geppetto can’t let go though. Even though he does actually want to help…he wants love to. Not a Romantic love, a pure love even if he has to face the whale.

“Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you’re a man, you take it.”
Malcolm X (1925 - 1965)

Wolverine is one of the greatest characters ever. This is not a comic book nerd rant either. Just think about this: He’s is good at serving ass whuppings. He is entire being is focused on his survival. He will heal and he will get better. With this in his mind he can leap into situations with abandon and fight as hard as he can…he can take the pain, provided he achieves his goal. Even if he should fail he gives it his all. That must be true freedom. Especially considering that even in times when he was weak or he might not have healed he still put his body and life on the line to accomplish something. That’s how I feel now, having fully expressed my self in regards to my work situation. I can take the pain because I will heal, so no matter what obstacle may come I’ll throw myself at it. I remember things I’ve said in the past and knowing that I can just live those words brings me a happiness I have not had in a long time. The way I figure the whole situation, jobs are like jail. After a while you just wish for freedom without expecting it. It just becomes habit. You think about the bills that keep you there. You think about things you want to do. It’s when you realize that you’ve lost and left jobs in the past and found others, that you can really do as you please. When you can say with no restriction, “I don’t give a fuck.” That’s freedom. Now lot’s of people say it…but when you feel it it’s truly a beautiful thing. When you recall that things fall apart all the time and you are still in one piece, it’s like cussing someone out and being totally in the right. I feel light. Or better yet I feel like Wolvie. I may be nicked and scratched, but I know it will work out so I can just look to where I want to be and go there. I can ignore any pain from this point on and thereby negate it. To go Prince of Denmark, I have taken arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing them they have ended. No more debate, no more struggle. Just my conviction and the will to carry it forth.

“I’ll burn the building down.”
Milton - Office Space.

So guess what happened. Anyone? No takers? Not a damn thing. Nobody even mentioned anything about me doing a group. I had a nice letter detailing why I wouldn’t do it ready as my response. Nobody even said anything though. I still have the letter and it’s getting whipped out, I just can’t make up my mind to do it now while everyone is stepping on eggshells. Or go with the original plan and let them tell me I have to do the group then present it to them. I don’t know…but I do know I’ll be making some calls. This is ri-god-damn-diculous. I think I’m going to take the State Test and get one of those cushy office jobs. Those cat’s don’t really do anything and they get regular raises.

So I’m in the midst of some beef at work. They’ve asked me to do something and I have refused. This was on the day before Thanksgiving and the next week I was off. So when I come in on today they kind of glossed over my concerns and told me that Tuesday (tomorrow or today whenever you’re seeing this) I had to do it. I stated that I had not agreed to facilitate this activity. My boss just said I had to and that’s it. I told her that I did hear what she said. My problem is I have been given more duties than anyone in my position for the entire time I have worked at this place…the ENTIRE TIME. Now, what they are asking me to do is something I am good at and have a passion for. The problem is I’ve been paid by other organizations to provide this service and whenever I’m given a special task like this at my job, all the other duties I’m given end up getting put to the forefront so I don’t have to time to plan or properly perform the task. Since it is something I care about I refuse to be set up for failure. The issue is if I will facilitate a men’s group or not. One of the arguments is that “we” wrote it into our proposal. My response: I wasn’t told anything about that proposal until after we actually got the money. My co-worker runs a group. My response: a group for young parents who want to engage their children, run by a mother in which fun activities for your kids are shared is different from trying to engage young black boys from the innercity, half of whom think they’re the godfather or a pimp in manhood development are not the same things. Consider further that out of the three full-time staff members two are mothers and I am the only male. That mean’s no in house support. In fact when they asked me to develop a flyer for the group when someone from outside was to run it, they critiqued and changed it until I told them to not even mention that I had any part in developing it. The whole climate at my office in regards to me being male sucks. For the last year every outdoor even that we’ve had has seen me working the grill. I’m the one that has to drive their crappy van. Not to mention that in the entire 5 years I’ve worked here I’ve had the biggest caseload…at one time it was 180 clients. I was the one that had to stand in for my supervisor at managers meetings. I currently look over the other advocates intake forms. If there’s a fight I’m one of two people expected to act. I’ve been treated like the lead at my position only in terms of responsbility, never authority or salary. When other people faltered I stepped up and alot of those times I was just assigned the incomplete task. I am the longest tenured employee in our program and when they had the chance to put me in as manager they let my age deter them and instead gave it to the literacy instructor. I have trained 5 people. I have taken duties that the manager wouldn’t do because she had a problem with the people involved. When my manager was on maternity leave I did my job and hers. Here’s another good one. I’m not allowed to listen to music, with or without headphones, at anytime. Just me, at least three other people play music on a regular basis. We haven’t had a pay raise in two cycles…not because we couldn’t, but because our Director the W.G. (white girl) doesn’t have money to give everyone in the building a raise. Despite the fact that we all work under different contracts and last year she actually gave BACK money that was designated for a salary raise for our program and that what was written into the last proposal would have constituted a raise has not been fulfilled. Oh yeah, out of the three full-time employees on my staff I am the lowest paid. Not to mention that my coworker will be out for about a month in half starting in January so I can only imagine what that will do to my caseload. For a long time I’ve just done my part, I’ve done all that was asked of me with neither commendation or compensation. I’ve towed the line, I’ve stepped up and I’ve filled in. What I’m saying right now is…Don’t Push Me. I have no plans to quit either…you’re going to have to fire me. You’re going to have to get rid of the person who picks up new paperwork the quickest. You’ll have to put out the one who took the bulk of things on his shoulders. So when everything is hectic and the program is going under you’ll have to face that you got rid of a good worker cause you didn’t respect or cherish him. Tomorrow is the day. I’ll let you guys know.

“Girls used to come up to me and say, “My sister loves you.” Now girls come up to me and say, “My mother loves you.”
Lee Mazzilli 1955—

Well…as of Wednesday the 29th…I’m older. I will have you all note that my boyish charm still thrives…oh yes. The problem is it doesn’t save me from all things. I mentioned in my last post the time that I had when I went out to a club. However, there are other things that have been coming up that are starting to annoy me. For instance, the other day I’m on my way to see the old bird and on the bus I see this girl. At first she’s just someone in the corner of my eye. Then I peep the movement of her glancing at me so I check her out. She was cute as hell. Hair not quite to her shoulders, brown skin about my complexion, thin frame. She was a classic beauty. I was trying to be discreet, but someone was blocking my view…then I noticed it. Despite the person blocking the way I could see her ass! Now it wasn’t the-mutant-ass-that-ate-Baltimore big or anything. For her size though, it was…ample. So I’m all cool and what not and as I’m figuring out the approach…something happened. I started to wonder how old she was! Nothing can kill a mood like wondering if I’m lusting after someone who was born in the late 80’s. I started thinking “What if I put on some Sade and she asks who it is?” or if I say “Don’t let the smooth taste fool you”, will the reference be lost? Not to mention if I put some work in on her will she grow attached? Attachment is one thing, but attachment by a young girl is something else. My mind ran through a whole bunch of scenarios and wouldn’t you know it, my stop arrived. As I got up she kind of block my way for a minute and as I looked into her eyes I couldn’t help but wonder what the mistake would be. Getting off without doing anything? What if I initiated it only to find out she was like 18 or something? In all fairness, when I was 18 I was rapping at 31 year old woman…but I was mature. Then I thought what if she’s mature and I’m playing her short? What if she is young and still lives with her mommy and daddy and to quote Sting, “Her brothers gonna kill me and he’s six feet 10″? Well perhaps in that situation he’d be older and at least he’d try to fight…then again he might be around her age and just want to shoot me. Then I start thinking, mayhap I should get a young girl. Just for the hell of it. It could be a thrill for both of us. I mean, I always had a thing for older women, the older I get the less I like that idea though. So why not a young girl. Perhaps one would be less prone to expect an instant settle down? I don’t know people…give me your thoughts. What’s too young for a man of 28? Is my Jimeny Cricket just loud or is my Devil out of the office?