“If the sun refused to shine
I dont mind, I dont mind
If the mountains ah, fell in the sea
Let it be, it aint me.”
Jimi Hendrix - If 6 was 9

Re: People Fall Apart. I wonder sometimes if I should be more emotionally invested. Perhaps my feel no way mantra isn’t good. Perhaps I should let more things move me. I can think of situations where showing more emotion may have comforted others. However, I’m not sure if comforting others was that important. I can imagine some women that have moved through my life who if I had shown more or pursued them after the fact we may have stayed together. Honestly, I didn’t love any of them enought to really want to make things work in the end. There was something about the way each of them handled things that made me feel fine about bouncing. The way I see it their emotion pushed me away. If some of them had tried to be more logical I probably would have worked on it. Then again despite being compassionate and even passionate, I think my demeanor can throw folks off. Sometimes I wonder if I should get out on people more. If I should get more excited about things. Then again it’s probably all bullshit anyway. I’m famous for saying “stress is just heartattacks and strokes and I need neither”. Is there something else I miss out on by trying to detach from the feeling of certain things. Maybe my point of view is only good in horror flicks. It’d be my luck to end up in one where only strong displays of emotion could save your life. I’d die of nonchalance. I once joked that if I were in a Super Hero group I’d be Nonchalant Man. I’d be the strongest of the group, but the challenge would be to get me interested enought to get involved in what’s going on. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not like I don’t smile, laugh, love, despise or feel any emotion. I just try not to act on my emotion. Even if my action is in line with my emotion I try to think it through seperate from that emotion. To top it off people tend to think that because I wear shades all the time that I’m really just trying to be cool. In a sense that’s true. I remember times when my anger took me and I didn’t like it. It’s scary. It’s Bruce Banner. It’s Wolverine. It’s punching steel and not feeling my bones break. It’s hurting someone badly. It’s charging 5 people. I’ve seen others give in to their saddness and I can’t do that either. Though I remain like the ocean calm on top with strong currents underneath. I try to control the currents. I imagine that if I could focus my emotion I could become infinitly powerful. Like my stubborn attitude has helped me accomplish big things, cause someone said, “It’s not realistic” and that pissed me off. Perhaps all of this is just one big rambling thought that will let me feel philosophical? Is this self-doubt or self-assessment? I’d take the latter…mostly cause I’d hate to feel like I’d doubt myself. I question yes…but try not to doubt. I’m not sure that the answer to all of this is me screaming on someone. Or confessing my love to anyone. Then again, perhaps I’m being too logical once more. That Spock shit again.