“There is no salvation in becoming adapted to a world which is crazy.”
Henry Miller

So I’ve been using the MTA as of late. I don’t care about the Global Warming or any other good reason to not drive a car, the MTA is the best argument to have a car payment. Since I’ve been at this address I’ve had an episode on the bus every week. Times when I think nothing will happen it goes down at the last possible moment. I’ll preface with this: I go to the back so I can see both doors and because even though I’m willing to give up my seat, alot of people avoid coming to the back of the bus. So there will be some open seats and most people stand before coming all the way back. It’s the back door syndrom. I think some people believe that if they go past the back door they are in no man’s land or something, or maybe they think they won’t be able to get off in time for their stop. Keep in mind that there are six incidents here and I’ve been catching this bus for 7 weeks (I didn’t count the week I was on vacation). So for your reading pleasure here are some of the greatest (worst) moments on the MTA.

1)Cocaine is a hell of a drug
This one wasn’t much, but it was a red flag. So I’m on the bus and the dude next to me keeps fiddling around in his pocket. I can tell he’s pulling something out, but I’m not really paying attention. So then he moves his bag out of the way and leans over to put his face over his hand. He’s all tucked into the wall, however, it wasn’t hard to tell that dude is sniffing…on the goddamned bus. He couldn’t even wait a little while. He couldn’t do like everyone else and just drink a beer. As I said this was just the herald.

Motocross
So here we come up Harford Rd. and before we can hit 25th St. (the next big street) we pass Cliftview Ave., a small side street. So from my window seat at the back of the bus I see tearing down Cliftview some cat on a little dirtbike. Then I realize he’s about to try to make a left turn into the right lane in between the bus and the curb. He did not make it. I hear a loud thump his head appears in the window for a sec and then I hear something sliding to the back of the bus. The bus driver stops to check on him and in my mind I’m saying, “This kid is gone.” I look out the window and sure nuff he’s limping his way up the street as his friends bounce with the bike. The bus sat there for like 15 minutes. I wasn’t sure if this was funny or not, but when I calculated that he was riding illegal and his friends were going to laugh at him later…I figured it was.

2)Generation Gap
So I’m on the bus stop with two young girls and we get on and go to the back. There are two older women sitting in the back and they look over 40. Well I always have the ipod rocking so I didn’t hear the first words said. I did hear the loud response from one of these women. Basically her sister was nodding out and the young girl told her friend to look. Well the conscious one didn’t take to that well at all and she started going off about how she would beat this girls ass if she had a problem. The young girl, of course, started popping off cause she’s fearless and the fuck you and what you wanna do festival was on…with me in the middle…for 15 blocks. So these two are going back and forth when the little girl makes a call on her cell phone. Whoever she calls, she tells them the situation and hangs up. So the older woman, not to be outdone, get’s on her boost (where you at?) and hit’s her daughter up. Her daugher is told to come to the 19 bus stop…with her sneakers on. So the young girl gets back on her phone and relays the latest happenings. Apparently she was talking to someone with sense and authority who instructs her to get off of the bus. When she leaves the older woman gets into a diatribe with some other people on the bus about how “young kids don’t have no respect today”. As the conversation continues on I notice that all of the people interacting with her are either drinking from a large styrofoam cup or a brown paper bag. Additionally her sister was clearly high.

3)The Jazzy Jeff
On the bus. For some reason it’s crowded on this day and (as they tend to do) the bus driver keeps telling people to move back. For once people actually have moved to the back. As the bus driver continues on she keeps asking people to move back. Some skinny white dude takes the initiative to yell out that “They are at the back Ms. Busdriver. We continue on. Repeat the same thing again. This time though a big black dude behind the skinny white guy says something. In response to this the thug ass looking cat in front of me says, “I’m getting off before something pops off on here.” Then he gets up rings the bell and gets off. At this point I had to turn off the ipod, cause that dude looked like he would beat someone down, so I figured I should pay attention to whatever made him want to get off. So the bus stops, drivers switch and the whole “move to the back - they already are” scenario plays out again. So the second guy says, “you didn’t say that to the other driver”, “yes I did”. So these two have a brief exchange. Up the road we go and skinny white guy gets on his phone. Somewhere in his conversation he says, “I gotta get a car so I won’t have to deal with this, bus is crowded, stupid people.” Jesus Christ Monkey Balls.
Big black guy : Stupid People!?!?!
Skinny white guy: I’m not talking to you or about you.
bbg: Well, you’re a cock sucking whore.
swg: -pause- well, you’re a cock sucking whore.
bbg: smack
swg stands up and squares off.
Mind you when this part of the conversation was going on I had rung the bell and gone to the back door as my stop was coming up.
bbg: You’re gonna get off this bus or take this asswhupping.
swg: I ain’t getting off.
bbg gets up and charges swg as he reaches him the bus has stopped and I open the doors and step off. I turn right around to see swg getting pushed off the bus and the doors get closed behind him. He gets on his phone and runs to the front of the bus. Bang, bang, bang - “Let me back on this bus!!!
Swg (into his phone) I was just assaulted on bus #2891, the 19 Goucher and Taylor Ave. Then he proceeds to stand one inch from the front of the bus so as to prevent it from moving. When I made the turn onto my street a block and a half away he was still standing in front of the bus.

4)My Drunk Friend
For some reason drunk people and people who just like to talk love me (I’m also loved by small children and animals…just so you know ladies). So I’m on the bus stop and this guy stops 15 feet away and asks if the 27 has come…I tell him yes. He walks down further cause he thinks someone else is talking to him only to find it’s a couple arguing with one another. For some reason he pulls up next to me and starts talking…seconds later he pulls the pint out of his bag and finishes it off. At first it was just random nothing that I thought would end. Then that girl came and sat on the bus stop. Dude got excited and almost yelled, “Looook!”, “Look at them thighs man, you need to get that, you know what I’d do to that, you probably gotta better chance at that then me right now cause I’m a little dirty, Look at them thighs!” He talked for 5 minutes about this girl and her thighs. Eventually he told me to go get her. I said that she was all his and he takes off…as he leaves he says, “I’m going to get her for you.” God damn. So he goes and talks to her…gets nowhere and along the course of the conversation I did notice that he pointed to me and referred to me as his brother. Of course nothing comes from it so he comes back to join his good friend, me. Over the course of the 30 mins I was waiting for the bus he pointed, got excited over and called out to about 5 other women. He also went on about how if my bus came first I needed to get my “car” and come back and take him home. He stopped a Marine and held on to his hand for like 15 minutes while he thanked him and told him he was his brother and the pretty woman he was with was his sister. After they left he came back to me and how I had money and we needed to go out. This dude went on and on and on. Then he went on some more about the girl and her thighs. Then he went on some more about how I had money. Then, mercifully, my bus came and I wished him well and stepped to the curb. Too bad the girl with the thighs was getting on the same bus. “SHE GETTING ON YOUR BUS!!!!! YOU BETTER GET THAT, DON’T BE NICE GET THAT NUMBER, LOOK AT THEM THIGHS!” I didn’t get the final count of people that were laughing at this.

5)Sick and Tired
Most often when I see someone on the bus getting into it, it’s a young dude with no responsibility trying to get out on a working class person. The working class person wants to buck back, but they eventually back down after realizing they just got off work and need to get home and see their wife and get up and go to work the next day. If you ever see someone on the news who gets locked up for assault on a bus and the witnesses stick up for him, it’ll be me. Anyway I’m on the bus and this dude puts his arm up on the seat and bumps me by mistake. He apologizes. Later he moves to another seat. Then I see my homegirl and her daughter get on the bus, he gets up and lets them take the seats where he was. I get into a conversation with the little one and am surprised as all get out when I noticed dude not trying to move later on to let someone sit next to him. As a matter of fact he’s sitting in the back row of seats with his legs spread covering the seats next to him and his hand resting in one of them. This older guy is excusing himself to get by, after a while he lets the guy sit down. Right behind this guy is another older dude who tries to sit in the seat money has his hand in. This takes a minute, but the guy gets his seat. I don’t know what happened cause I was talking to the rugrat, but I hear one of the older dudes ask, “Are you alright man.” To which stupid angry guy responds, “YEAH I’M ALRIGHT, I’M LISTENING TO MY MOTHERFUCKING MUSIC, YOU ALRIGHT?” It would seem that dude has a friend on the bus cause he turns around from a few seats up and tells him to chill out. Of course he can’t. “I WANNA KNOW IF IT’S A PROBLEM, I’M LISTENING TO MY MOTHERFUCKING MUSIC, TELL HIM TO CHILL OUT I THINK IT’S A PROBLEM. IT’S A PROBLEM OR WHAT?” I look at this older guy and watch as his mind goes through the progression and he finally swallows his pride and says, “Nah, ain’t no problem.” During this exchange my homegirl has gathered her things gotten up earlier than her stop required to get her out of the way. I was pissed about the whole thing as I’ve witnessed this scenario several times and I can’t stand it. Of course these guys always seem to come off on someone who just isn’t as willing as I am to resort to fisticuffs. If I don’t get a car soon I’ll end up calling one of these loud mouthed dudes out and having an altercation.