Bugger Me
“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”
Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
Those who abhor cursing and such should refrain from reading the following.
O.K. bitches, I thought we covered this last year…it would seem as though you didn’t listen to me. Dig it, I’m tired of going to outside concerts thinking I’m going to get all amped and dance and such, only to be confronted by these god damn folding chairs. Suck my balls and call me Harry. I’m going to burn down the factories that produce these things. Is there a rule that says once you have one you must show up to free concerts 4 hours before they start and place your chair so that others can’t get anywhere near the stage for the rest of the day. COME THE FUCK ON!!!! Look I know some of you are older right, but for real you had lot’s of great concerts in your day. Why do you feel the need to ruin the things of my (ever fading) youth. Fertile Ground plays dance music people…DANCE! When I come down to First Thursday next month I’m telling you to get your fat asses up and dance or move out of the way! Do you realize this is the first time I ever left a F.G. show with a dry shirt!?!?! Huh, do you!?!?! What the hell is your major malfunction? If this keeps up I’m going to hire a midget to run around cock-punching (great word) you ass-clowns!!! I don’t go out alot anymore, but when I do I want to live it up and living it up is not doing a two step 100 ft. from the bloody stage! Artscape is coming up and if you fuck-balls take up the space at the foot of the hill with your chairs I swear to the shoes that James Brown danced in I will set your chairs ablaze and dance on the ashes until the police (city and state), the F.B.I., C.I.A., the ghost of John Wayne and five Roman Gladiators drag me away. You guys have no idea how seriously pissed I am, seriously. I will walk through your midst swinging my mighty sword and watching the heads of lazy interlopers roll on the ground. You guys suck big red baboon ass. You know what the worst part is? When the show starts you end up standing up! So not only are you taking up space, but your fucking chair is taking up even more! I will reign righteous anger and furious vengenace down upon you all if I have to witness this again. You are on thin ice my friends and I shall be under it when it breaks.
“If this keeps up I’m going to hire a midget to run around cock-punching you ass-clowns!!!”
This line is going down as one of my all time favourite quotes! LMAO @ this post. We don’t really have concerts up here in Canada that you can bring a chair of your own to, but I feel your pain nonetheless.
Comment by inciquay — July 10, 2007 @ 4:22 pm
Heelarious. I love this post. If you need to sit you can not do it in the front row. Move you ass to the back! A looong time ago I went to see the Buena Social Club perform. Now these men are elderly and they were dancing around the stage. So I was shaking it and this lady was complaining she could not see. Look bitch, get up. If an 80 year old man can sing and dance what the hell is your excuse??
Comment by Miz JJ — July 10, 2007 @ 5:05 pm
“I swear to the shoes that James Brown danced in I will set your chairs ablaze and dance on the ashes until the police (city and state), the F.B.I., C.I.A., the ghost of John Wayne and five Roman Gladiators drag me away.”
I honestly can’t remember laughing this hard at a blog post in a long ass time. I find it hard to believe that those things have not been banned. Particularly when a person like me would use it as a weapon.
Comment by Mel — July 10, 2007 @ 5:27 pm
“cock-punching” - I do not ever recall ever hearing this term. EVER! In any incarnation. I love it brah. And the post too. And to leave that event with a dry shirt, mannn, that IS saying something.
Comment by Luke Cage — July 11, 2007 @ 2:30 pm
You need to pitch this op-ed to the Sun!…and print up some tshirts:)
Comment by So...Wise — July 12, 2007 @ 1:48 am
i got issues with those chairs too, the places some folks pull them out i’m like what da….
Comment by jdid — July 12, 2007 @ 2:33 pm
Ok, I used to be anti-chair myself, til last summer. I went to see Regina Belle at a venue in SE DC. The stage was in a valley, and it had been raining the week before. Well, I spread out my blanket and sit my ass down in water and mud! And I stayed there for 3 hours! When I drove home, I did so in my underwear, cause I had to take my pants off so I wouldnt ruin my cars upholstery! Soooo, I now see, and know, why some folks do stupid shit, like buying a chair for the express purpose of sitting outside.
Ill be at ArtScape on Saturday…and Ill be the chick in the pink chair.
LOL
Come say hi!
L
Comment by lola gets life — July 17, 2007 @ 3:53 pm
I’ve never been to one of those concerts but you must know, the Martin Luther King Jr. series in Brooklyn actually instructs you on their website to bring your own chairs because they might run out of rental chairs.
Comment by GC — July 24, 2007 @ 9:32 pm
I especially like that you tracked down an image of the offending furniture for this post AND that you named the image “You will not defeat me”.
Comment by blue milk — August 3, 2007 @ 2:48 pm