White lines
“By the way, what’s this I hear about you skiing the slopes? Are you sneaking off to the OC? Are you sleeping with the enemy?”
Donald Faison - Something New
What the hell is going on? I must have missed something. I mean people have dated intteracially for longer than it was actually acceptable. It seems as though it’s becoming a movement for sisters now. You could always find things of this nature, but now as the information starts to collect you realize just how much the vibe is out there. I’m sure folks have heard about the Williams sisters and so forth. But what’s the big push all about. I actually wrote to the writer of one of these blogs and I figure posting my email and her response will pull this thing together best. Just tell me what you guys think. Even if you think I was ignorant.
Me:
I recently followed a link to your blog and I just have to ask this question:
What the hell?
Understand this isn’t some nonsensical rant, it’s an honest question. As a young black man who is regularly engaged in discussions on this topic, the flaws of black men, the steps black women have to take for happiness and security, etc…this just seems like gross generalizations and an answer that is an oversimplification. Mind you, I don’t have a problem with interracial marriages or relationships. My issue is that the presentation of your blog comes off as “the answer to the relationship problems of black women”. If someone is in a relationship with a person and the love and respect is mutual, great. However, I’m sure that black women seeking white men to marry isn’t the answer. I’ve told many people that most problems with others starts with themselves. If people are unable to know themselves or at least decide who they are going to be they will remain unable to demand their worth from another person, no matter what race they are. I have no problem with a black women being in a relationship with a white man, but to present it as the ideal just seems silly. As if to say that white men never do any wrong or that all black men do or that a latino or asian man just won’t fit the bill. A further extreme would be to just suggest training yourself to be attracted to other women. I’m involved with a black woman now. All of my relationships have been with black women and though up to this point none have lasted I don’t see it as a sign that perhaps I should just find a white woman. It’s a lack of communication, poor choices and my lack of understanding about who I needed to be with. It was never about race…it was about the person.
Her response:
Amadeo, thanks for your note, however I kinda sorta know that you’re not going to understand my perspective. LOL! Hardly ANY African American man gets the point of my blog or agrees with me, whereas at least 98% of bw get the point, although some of them may think I’m a bit outrageous–but just a bit. The point of my blog is to say to black women that they have options just like other women have because so many of us grew up thinking that we didn’t have options. So many bw have been told that they’re too dark, too fat, too big-mouthed, too independent or that something else is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG with them, and that no man will want them–except for sex. LOTS of AA men LOVE telling sistas that we’re undesirable and at the same time they’re trying to get in our pants. LOL!! Many bw grew up thinking that ONLY bm or NO man and this is the main reason why so many sistas will allow a bm to dawg them. They really don’t believe they have a choice or any other option when it comes to men.
Even if all of the bm currently single were perfect mate material and fatherhood material, there still wouldn’t nearly be enough AA available. However, if you’re honest, I’m sure you’d have to admit that many of the bm out there are a far cry from perfect or even good mate material and fatherhood material. Also, I’ve been severely criticized for many of my opinions, so I’m used to that. That’s the price I pay for thinking outside the box and it’s a price I”ve always been willing to pay because I’ve seen how much it benefits me to not think in a tunnel way like so many other bw.
So one of my controversial opinions is that I think that ANY woman should always try to get with a man on or above her level. Folks are just so hot at me for saying that a sista shouldn’t reach down to get a black man or carry him. LOL! Well, I certainly wouldn’t be with a man beneath my level of ANY race or background, so why would I advocate that to any other sista. There are NOT hundreds of thousands or millions of bm out there who are college degree holders or who even have comparable credentials or operate businesses, etc. I believe that a man must be able to support his family on a basic level at least–like food, clothing, and shelter. Those are the basics. That’s a significant point. Most women–in all societies and cultures– want men to be able to provide for a family and be able to protect them and the children. Most women want a man to be able to do those things even though the woman may actually make a lot of money and may be bigger and stronger and smarter than the man.
Many African American men don’t even try to develop themselves in ANY way, and the ‘de evil white man’ excuse is just thin these days. Even with de evil wm doing what evil folks do, there are plenty of opportunities that many bm could avail themselves of. They will not become Bill Gates, but my man doesn’t need to be a millionaire. Many bm DON’T EVEN TRY!! I certainly would not encourage any sista to get with a bm like that. He’s a loser, yet many folks in the black community will be trying to get a sista who has struggled against all kinds of odds to get her master’s degree to get with a bm who’s a maintenance worker. How come he doesn’t go back to school? Why is he content to empty trash all of his life? Why is he too good to struggle like she did. Yet if she’s a cleaning lady and he’s the master’s degree holder, he would not be pressured to get with her. Folks would instead say to him, “Man, you can do better than that!” That’s such double standard. This is what so many sistas can’t understand. We’re the victims of racism AND sexism, yet we still try to rise, whereas so many bm just want to complain about how this and that ain’t right. Therefore, many sistas are looking for alternatives. Even many of the sistas who won’t admit that are still looking for more ambitious men.
Also, white men aren’t the ONLY men I suggest to sistas, however, white men are the LARGEST group of non AA men available in every little nook and cranny in this country where sistas are. You don’t find many Asian or Hispanic men in Dothan, Alabama, for ex., however there are plenty of white men there. Also, many Asian and Hispanic men are racists and into colorism just like racist white men. Then too, there are many black men who discriminate against bw based on skin shade and facial features, and all sistas are not as light as Halle or look euro. The point is there are many OTHER men of ALL ethnicities out there who find bw of all skin shades and facial features appealing and would make wonderful mates for sistas.
White and other men ARE apparently the answer for SOME sistas because we are in loving relationships with these non-AA men, and they are good fathers to the children, so why discourage that? You have your woman and I’m happy for you, so you should be happy for us sistas when we find compatible men.
Anyway, I don’t expect for you to understand, however I’m just being polite in responding to your message.
I don’t think she addressed me as much as responded to the usual letters she gets. I still stand by it being about the person and getting secure within yourself. Oh, well…I still love the sisters.