White lines
“By the way, what’s this I hear about you skiing the slopes? Are you sneaking off to the OC? Are you sleeping with the enemy?”
Donald Faison - Something New
What the hell is going on? I must have missed something. I mean people have dated intteracially for longer than it was actually acceptable. It seems as though it’s becoming a movement for sisters now. You could always find things of this nature, but now as the information starts to collect you realize just how much the vibe is out there. I’m sure folks have heard about the Williams sisters and so forth. But what’s the big push all about. I actually wrote to the writer of one of these blogs and I figure posting my email and her response will pull this thing together best. Just tell me what you guys think. Even if you think I was ignorant.
Me:
I recently followed a link to your blog and I just have to ask this question:
What the hell?
Understand this isn’t some nonsensical rant, it’s an honest question. As a young black man who is regularly engaged in discussions on this topic, the flaws of black men, the steps black women have to take for happiness and security, etc…this just seems like gross generalizations and an answer that is an oversimplification. Mind you, I don’t have a problem with interracial marriages or relationships. My issue is that the presentation of your blog comes off as “the answer to the relationship problems of black women”. If someone is in a relationship with a person and the love and respect is mutual, great. However, I’m sure that black women seeking white men to marry isn’t the answer. I’ve told many people that most problems with others starts with themselves. If people are unable to know themselves or at least decide who they are going to be they will remain unable to demand their worth from another person, no matter what race they are. I have no problem with a black women being in a relationship with a white man, but to present it as the ideal just seems silly. As if to say that white men never do any wrong or that all black men do or that a latino or asian man just won’t fit the bill. A further extreme would be to just suggest training yourself to be attracted to other women. I’m involved with a black woman now. All of my relationships have been with black women and though up to this point none have lasted I don’t see it as a sign that perhaps I should just find a white woman. It’s a lack of communication, poor choices and my lack of understanding about who I needed to be with. It was never about race…it was about the person.
Her response:
Amadeo, thanks for your note, however I kinda sorta know that you’re not going to understand my perspective. LOL! Hardly ANY African American man gets the point of my blog or agrees with me, whereas at least 98% of bw get the point, although some of them may think I’m a bit outrageous–but just a bit. The point of my blog is to say to black women that they have options just like other women have because so many of us grew up thinking that we didn’t have options. So many bw have been told that they’re too dark, too fat, too big-mouthed, too independent or that something else is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG with them, and that no man will want them–except for sex. LOTS of AA men LOVE telling sistas that we’re undesirable and at the same time they’re trying to get in our pants. LOL!! Many bw grew up thinking that ONLY bm or NO man and this is the main reason why so many sistas will allow a bm to dawg them. They really don’t believe they have a choice or any other option when it comes to men.
Even if all of the bm currently single were perfect mate material and fatherhood material, there still wouldn’t nearly be enough AA available. However, if you’re honest, I’m sure you’d have to admit that many of the bm out there are a far cry from perfect or even good mate material and fatherhood material. Also, I’ve been severely criticized for many of my opinions, so I’m used to that. That’s the price I pay for thinking outside the box and it’s a price I”ve always been willing to pay because I’ve seen how much it benefits me to not think in a tunnel way like so many other bw.
So one of my controversial opinions is that I think that ANY woman should always try to get with a man on or above her level. Folks are just so hot at me for saying that a sista shouldn’t reach down to get a black man or carry him. LOL! Well, I certainly wouldn’t be with a man beneath my level of ANY race or background, so why would I advocate that to any other sista. There are NOT hundreds of thousands or millions of bm out there who are college degree holders or who even have comparable credentials or operate businesses, etc. I believe that a man must be able to support his family on a basic level at least–like food, clothing, and shelter. Those are the basics. That’s a significant point. Most women–in all societies and cultures– want men to be able to provide for a family and be able to protect them and the children. Most women want a man to be able to do those things even though the woman may actually make a lot of money and may be bigger and stronger and smarter than the man.
Many African American men don’t even try to develop themselves in ANY way, and the ‘de evil white man’ excuse is just thin these days. Even with de evil wm doing what evil folks do, there are plenty of opportunities that many bm could avail themselves of. They will not become Bill Gates, but my man doesn’t need to be a millionaire. Many bm DON’T EVEN TRY!! I certainly would not encourage any sista to get with a bm like that. He’s a loser, yet many folks in the black community will be trying to get a sista who has struggled against all kinds of odds to get her master’s degree to get with a bm who’s a maintenance worker. How come he doesn’t go back to school? Why is he content to empty trash all of his life? Why is he too good to struggle like she did. Yet if she’s a cleaning lady and he’s the master’s degree holder, he would not be pressured to get with her. Folks would instead say to him, “Man, you can do better than that!” That’s such double standard. This is what so many sistas can’t understand. We’re the victims of racism AND sexism, yet we still try to rise, whereas so many bm just want to complain about how this and that ain’t right. Therefore, many sistas are looking for alternatives. Even many of the sistas who won’t admit that are still looking for more ambitious men.
Also, white men aren’t the ONLY men I suggest to sistas, however, white men are the LARGEST group of non AA men available in every little nook and cranny in this country where sistas are. You don’t find many Asian or Hispanic men in Dothan, Alabama, for ex., however there are plenty of white men there. Also, many Asian and Hispanic men are racists and into colorism just like racist white men. Then too, there are many black men who discriminate against bw based on skin shade and facial features, and all sistas are not as light as Halle or look euro. The point is there are many OTHER men of ALL ethnicities out there who find bw of all skin shades and facial features appealing and would make wonderful mates for sistas.
White and other men ARE apparently the answer for SOME sistas because we are in loving relationships with these non-AA men, and they are good fathers to the children, so why discourage that? You have your woman and I’m happy for you, so you should be happy for us sistas when we find compatible men.
Anyway, I don’t expect for you to understand, however I’m just being polite in responding to your message.
I don’t think she addressed me as much as responded to the usual letters she gets. I still stand by it being about the person and getting secure within yourself. Oh, well…I still love the sisters.
It sounds like most of your e-mail went completely over her head.
Comment by Ahd Child — August 7, 2007 @ 3:41 pm
if she didn’t expect you to understand in the first place why did she bother to give such a long explanation.
I would have to have seen the post to say anything about her standpoint. However, I agree that people should find loving relationships wherever they are. And I believe you are saying that too.
Comment by GC — August 7, 2007 @ 3:52 pm
I don’t get it, did she actually respond or just rant some more? love is love, deciding perhaps we should pick the “color” to make it right seems odd. but maybe that’s just me.
Comment by Eslocura — August 7, 2007 @ 5:54 pm
sounds like she went into defense mode. that’s why she gave that long a$$ response. she has been feeling this way so long, it seems as if she expects the response and reacts how she did. i would love to read the post though.
Comment by aquababie — August 7, 2007 @ 5:55 pm
Her blog is the second link…it’s not a topic from one post, her entire blog is about black women getting with white men.
Comment by amadeo — August 7, 2007 @ 6:13 pm
Funny thing about the idea of relationships being doomed by miscommunication…is that her response was completely miscommunicated. I think you both would find that you’re not in total disagreement if indeed she were to address your question directly and not with a stump speech. I happen to agree with both of you.
Comment by So...Wise — August 7, 2007 @ 8:09 pm
(a) you weren’t ignorant. you neither attacked nor accused. you told her you took issue with her blog/post and why.
(b) i think she did address your note. as much as you wanted to make clear that you believe love knows no colors, loving yourself is very important, and black women dating white men isn’t the sole remedy nor should it be touted as the ideal…she wanted to point out that bw/wm should be an option that more black women considered based on her bleek assessment of the situtation.
(c) she did not address the one thing you pointed out as your main issue which is the fact that her blog purports to be “the answer to the relationship problems of black women.” i’m hoping she’d argue thats not her intention and she just got sidelined trying to provide a complete rebuttal to an argument you didn’t make but that she feels is imposed on her/all black women (that black women should stick by black men unquestioningly). but since she didn’t address it we’ll never know.
i’m an optimist. hoepfully yall just missed each other. otherwise she’s stupid. cause i’m willing to guess there are way more black women than white men who want them. talk about a logistics nightmare.
Comment by sasha — August 8, 2007 @ 7:21 pm
not this again! her letters point about not dating below ‘her level’ really really urks me and has for many years. I’ve seen women comaplin ad nasuem about the lack of good men when there are decent blue collar rhardworking law abiding men available just because they think they have reached some level where they cant give a blue collar guy a chance. its absolute rubbish and smacks of gold-diggerism (sorry cant think of another word to describe it adequately)
love is love. you can fall for someone beneath your education level, you can fall for someone beneath your economic strata. there is no frigging love apartheid as far as I know.
Comment by jdid — August 8, 2007 @ 8:01 pm
I want to piggyback what sista Aquababie said. There was a sense of “defensive-mode-ism” that she kind of went into, but again I think that’s the mode she’s chosen since her entire site is geared for the sole subject of black women dating white men.
The response e-mail was… I guess for lack of a better word “tainted” since she didn’t really answer your question as much as launch an assault on how dare you ask that question in the first place. The sista’s probably prone to defending her stance so she kind of lumped you in with some other brothers. Probably some deserved this kind of response, but not yourself.
She’s a black woman who is hurt, bothered, and frustrated at the state of affairs of the lack of “black love” that is dwindling by the moment. And saying that you wouldn’t understand is not the way to address your question either. That was a cop out. Go a couple of rounds first with someone before you feel that they wouldn’t understand what it is you are saying.
I didn’t catch an air of ignorance on your part brother. Only know that there are alot of unhappy black women out there who are in search of good brothers such as you and I. And the closest some of them will come to “us” is probably through outlets like this. And that is a crying shame.
LOL@ jdid’s opening line… lol
Comment by Luke Cage — August 9, 2007 @ 12:54 pm
I have noticed this too. Not only from this woman and her site, but also from the media as well. It is not offensive to me, merely intersting. Why are so many folks interested in AA Women love life or lack thereof? I do not understand. Yes, if love happens with a person of another culture, no I will not cut it off. However, I do have my preference and I will not be swayed to say that I do not. I think what is irritating to so many folks is how determined black women are to hold the line. That says something about our overall faith in black men. Our overwhelming belief that there is a man of MY culture who will and can love me, be with me etc. In the past black women have been portrayed as whores or nymphos and even though no one is addressing it, the stats and facts kinda say - that ain’t so true. We are holding out to be loved, and yes, a lot of us have a preference for a man who looks like us, knows our culture etc. It is OUR individual choice, and we will make it for ourselves. Now I hope that this new perspective makes some guys cool out with the unpleasantness of the litany of complaints single black women have about AA men. We are complaining because we ARE in large part waiting for you, loving on you, believing in you. That desire is so intense that we got other folks, including the media CONCERNED. LOL. A lot of other groups are beginning to get some attention, but for some reason they are REALLY concerned that black women are not jumping the boat. I have nothing against interracial dating, I have met via blogs and experienced in person via friends some great interracial relationships, but most of these folks will tell you that they did NOT go looking for them, they were available and love showed up. If I marry a guy from another culture, that is the way it would have to happen. Chin up guys, trust me, this is what we are waiting for.
Comment by Kita — August 10, 2007 @ 2:17 pm
She’s a fucking idiot.
Comment by YG — August 10, 2007 @ 3:45 pm
Kita, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Comment by tia — August 10, 2007 @ 3:58 pm
That is just about the stupidest response i have read in a while…go ahead and marry someone based on the color of their skin and see what you get. She dosen’t have a clue.
Comment by Gina — August 10, 2007 @ 4:52 pm
I have returned to haunt you….
yep.
Comment by mala — August 15, 2007 @ 5:27 pm
Man,i’m glad i crossed your path. i’ve seen this woman’s blog before, and am completely disgusted. not only am i pissed off about her making it look like black women NEED to be with white men becuz it’s our only viable option, i’m even more pissed at how brainwashed she is at the stereotypical gender role of women as wives and mothers. good lookin’ out on your response to her…too bad she didn’t get it. peace, i’ll definitely be back.
Comment by Tha L — August 23, 2007 @ 8:33 pm