Just a friend
“Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.”
Robert Orben
I have a question for the ladies. How do you know if he just wants to be your friend? Perhaps that was just forward so let me frame it. One of the big relationship issues are people who are “just friends” and if they really are just friends. Even if you think they are just friends, do they really want to be? See the Vixen made a good move recently and initially I didn’t recognize it. To hurry myself along, she basically called to say a male friend was trying to get up with her and make sure I was cool. I was and at first I felt like some possesive guy, then I remembered she initiated the call. Of course it’s just like showing the cops you don’t have a weapon before you walk towards them. Eliminating excuses. Making sure everything is cool. However, having had this discussion come up in the past I had to ask of my readership, “How do you know if they’re just a friend, really?” I’m not talking about the casual acquaintance. Some guy you rarely see and come across and have some coffee with is easy, if he expresses interest you can quell that uprising before it begins. My question is about those dudes that are around. The portion of the male argument I usually fall on is the, “I trust you, but not him” side. See you may have it secure in yourself that you’re happy with your man and no one shalt come ‘twain you (yeah I said ‘twain). The thing your man worries is that he is bidding his time, which from afar doesn’t matter, but when done in close quarters is disrespectful of your man and what you have. Another aspect of this is; if you have a woman who sleeps with people based on emotional connections you worry that this dude is latching himself on and that may make it easier for him to slide in when the door is open a crack. If the two of you get into a fight, will he be there to console you before the first tear falls? It’s kinda of like “ass-seeking-poets”. If you’ve been on the poetry scene (especially if you’re a man) you know what I mean. Those poets that almost always do poems about women. His general themes are:
1. Sister, Queen, Mother, Goddess - you too damn good.
2. Fellas, we gotta do right by these sistas.
3. I would love you a thousand ways.
4. A list of things I would do that your man does not.
5. I love women (in a wholesome way).
6. Look how sensitive I am.
7. Look how hard it is for sistas, but they strong enough to get through.
Male poets (and men who frequent poetry spots want to kick this guys ass. Not because the women will tend to dig him and want to hear him. It’s because this asshole is most likely to fuck several of the women who come to these spots. It’s the double whammy, he makes the rest of us look like crap (especially with #2) then he pulls the orignial crutball move and further tarnishes your opinion of men. Plus if we’re heard saying what a douche he is we look bad yet again, while pushing the ladies towards him. So as a warning in the midst of my question, beware any dude who the majority of his art (poetry or otherwise) is about women.
I digress, what I’m really curious about aren’t the mistake dudes; you knew each other you were close and at the right time and place something went down. I’m talking the: {you} oh he’s my friend - {him} she will be mine, dudes. How do you know? I’ve kept in touch with sisters for a minute in an effort to build something, I have never intentionally played a friend role when my intentions were otherwise. Tell me you have a man and my intentions will come clear pretty quick. That’s why this situation is a minefield! The casual friends are easily dealt with. The ones who could either be REALLY good friends or crutball potential usurpers have the same traits. They remain a constant. They call, they invite you out, they remember birthdays, your family may like them. So do you find out one night when they reveal all of their feelings? Do you become suspicious because of things they say or do? Does your man’s attitude drive you into the “friends” arms thus bringing his concern into reality? So, how do you (if you do) know when a guy really just wants to be your friend and when he may be harboring feelings or intentions toward something more?
It’s kinda of like “ass-seeking-poets”. If you’ve been on the poetry scene (especially if you’re a man) you know what I mean. — sooo, I see that my brotha frequents a spoken word club or 2 huh? -lol- My brother will usually laugh when he hears some cats get like that. He’ll look at them with his mouth wide open, turn to me and laugh. I’ll be like, stop that dawg!
Well, I have lots of female friends and I still can’t answer some of those questions. Some of the “friend zone” variety, and some that truly make great friends! But I’d like to hear what the honeys have to say myself.. Ladies?
Comment by Luke Cage — August 27, 2007 @ 3:57 pm
I really don’t know the answer to that question
hence no male friends at all
none
you should revisit Chris Rock’s piece on “her male friend”
I think it might be on “born suspect”
Comment by GC — August 27, 2007 @ 4:45 pm
Let me first say that I make it my aim to avoid the brothers whose rendition of spoken word revolves around “sipping the nectar of my ambrosia.” I believe the business world calls that advertising; and isn’t the point of advertising to get maximum clientele? Thanks, no thanks.
In answer to your question, you just know. It’s just like you know a “regular” guy is interested. Actually, when a person is your friend, you have the upper hand of knowing their inner workings, so you can tell when they are entertaining “next level” thoughts.
I have male friends, and though I have a fairly good mental tally of who wants what, I set personal boundaries across the board. (Once upon a time, I would have put the qualifier, “when I’m involved with someone,” but at 30, I’m old enough to know that shit happens and too old to “accidentally” sleep with people.) The main rules are 1) No spending the night at the homes of male friends, 2) No inebriation in the company of male friends, and 3) do not cry on male friend’s shoulder when boyfriend troubles arise.
I don’t care who you are and how long you’ve known each other, sex IS an issue in opposite sex relationships. Show me someone who does not think it is, and I’ll show you someone who has had [more than] their fair share of “accidents.”
Comment by Black Mamba — August 27, 2007 @ 5:09 pm
interesting. so true about those ass seeking poets though. turn me off the whole spoken word scene they did.
but regarding your issue, its sort of a catch 22. you do trut your women, you dont trust him but at the same time you cant really say jack cause then it looks like you’re possessive. i say there is no clear formula for dealing with that issue you just play it by ear and if you think he’s sheisty you let it be known to your lady friend that you think dude is building foundation (thats what i call it) for the future.
Comment by jdid — August 27, 2007 @ 9:23 pm
My closest male friends are my exes - If they were good enought to have sex with… plus they really know me. I don’t screw anyone I wouldn’t want as a friend, so it works out pretty well.
I do have a couple of guys that I’m very close to that I share interests with - like sci-fi books (we have a club) or skating or spoken word.
Comment by jali — August 28, 2007 @ 2:01 pm
vixen reads this right?? lol you’ve asked a lot of questions here..first off in my experience its hard for most guys to just want to be FRIENDS..there is normally some hidden agenda there..they do want to be there to pick up the pieces if the relationship she’s in falls thru and doesn’t pan out, they do want to stay close in hopes that something my transpire. I’m not friends with any of my exes and most guy friends I have would go out with me and my date or we’d schedule a lunch or breakfast..something during the day and it would be quick, we’d catch up and that would be it..no threat to current boyfriend.
whenever I’ve told the guy I was dating that a guy friend wanted to hang out with me, it was because I wanted a reaction..to gauge his feelings for me…most likely he’d say it was okay but sometimes he’d say WHY?? what are his motives? I wouldn’t want my man out hanging with a bunch of his exes or other females..this is a tough one amadeo…it all comes down to the individuals involved yes its possible to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex while you are dating someone else and if that friend respects you and your feelings for your man then he’d never cross the line
Comment by geegee — August 28, 2007 @ 2:33 pm
I am not sure about this myself. I just think this is a very interesting topic, at a very interesting time.
Comment by Roxanne — August 28, 2007 @ 3:16 pm
truth, respect, open conversation leads to great friendships even with men. If he respects me, he doesn’t cross the imaginary line. seems simple, doesn’t always work.
Comment by eslocura — September 1, 2007 @ 12:51 am
Tough. But I truly think the woman is the catlyst, not the guy. It’s like you said, if she’s vulnerable/emotional and he’s there to pick up the pieces …then does it really matter if he’s friend guy or random dick guy?? It’s about HER way of coping.
I have a ton of guy friends who I drink with, sleep in beds with and hang out with. I have no desire to sleep with any of them, none have “active” feelings for me…but if I WENT TO THEM for some um, “therapy” they wouldnt blink.
BUT with that said, raise an eyebrow at any “friend” who doesnt defer to her relationship. when your friend is boo’d up, you should expect and accept that your late night chats and weekly coffee runs will be altered.
Comment by So...Wise — September 3, 2007 @ 5:16 pm