Carrie: Honey, if it hurts so much, why are we going shopping?
Samantha: I have a broken toe, not a broken spirit.
Sex in the City

So a little ways back I was out with the Vixen at a mall and as my anger rose in the men’s section I figured I would educate her on the real reasons why dudes don’t get into shopping as much as women.

So we’re in Banana Republic and she’s checking out stuff and I’m checkin out stuff in our respective sections. I went through the entire men’s section in less than 10 minutes. Perhaps 10 minutes later she comes through with the things she intends to try on. So I, having more time to kill, start going through the Clearance rack. After I passed some ancient Aztec booby traps and wrestled with Indiana Jones I found something that was decent and in my size…I had to escape the giant boulder to get out of the section though. I found it funny that what I had “on clearance” was $30 bucks, but oh well. Then the Vixen comes out to make her final selections. She putting things up for my opinion and I’m realizing she had like 6 different kinds of shirts. I mean different styles and what not. I start looking around and realize the mens section is basically sweaters, polos, and long and short sleeve button-ups in different colors. So I ask her what was the average price of the things she got…$24.99. So her average was still less than my clearance. My clearance was orignially $50.00. Anyway we proceed onward to Old Navy. We split up again and I go through the men’s section in 5 minutes. Despite my many purchases in the past from Old Navy…they let me down that day. Once again, three kinds of shirts, button-ups, polos, and hoodies. The godforsaken colors in the striped button-ups made me want to complain to the manager. So the Vixen takes longer, of course, when she’s done I ask her to escort me through the mens section so she can see my pain. She agreed the selection was pitiful and once again the average price was higher. Then we move on to shoes. She’s looking and checkin stuff out she buys some. So I say “Let’s go to Clarks Bostonian”. Now despite the fact that I have never worn Wallabees, I love Clarks. I have to say that when I check out Clarks I always see something I would buy. I wasn’t disappointed, but something happened in the store that summed up my whole day. A family came in (mother, daughter and father) and I missed what the little girl said, but the mothers response was, “There are no red shoes honey, men’s shoes mostly come in brown and black“. There it was. Minimal variations in style and color and higher prices = less interest in shopping. When I looked at the price of womens shoes I understood how they could buy 4 pairs at a time. Those 4 pairs might equal the price of one pair of men’s shoes…they may even be less. Ya’ll could buy two shirts for the price of one of mine. I mean some of the shirts I saw have no business costing $50 bucks. If it’s just cotton and there ain’t even much of a design….$24.99. In the midst of all of this there was one bright spot. H&M. Maybe cause it’s a Euro store, but they actually had some variation in their men’s gear…not a whole lot, but way more then the average American joint. See ladies, it’s not so much that we don’t like shopping, it’s just that we don’t have much variety to choose from and I forgot to mention, our section is usually smaller. Even if we went to every store that had a men’s section we couldn’t take as much time as you do…and therefore our interest wans quickly. Meanwhile I been trying to cop a shirt like Peter Fonda had on in Easy Rider for 5 years and I’ve never seen anything close to it.

(I do not need the neckerchief) I think I’m starting to develop a hatred of womens clothes…damn their varied forms and styles. Why must I be sectioned off to join the herd. Why Lord? Why hast thou forsaken me!?!??! I almost of a mind to get the Queer Eye guys to open a chain of men’s stores….don’t look at me like that. I’m not even a really flashy kind of dresser, but I don’t want to look like I came out of the Blair Men’s catalog: