“Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. “
Lewis Carroll (1832 - 1898)
So…my ace was shot recently. He was up in D.C. and turning down the wrong side street ended with .44 slugs being propelled through his car. He was able to get away, but not before he took one through his leg. Being that we’re similar in nature I should have known that because he said he was alright did not make it so. I found out this morning that he has nerve damage and may not be able to use that leg. That’s normally bad, but he’s a very physical person (as is the nature of his business) so that compounds the issue. What’s really getting me about this whole thing is what I thought. My first reaction was, “We’re too old for this” and not in a Danny Glover way. See I according to statistics a young black male is ver susceptible to death from a gun shot wound until he’s 26. So when I turned 26 I celebrated the fact that I had made it out of that range. Not long afterwards I started seeing the trends that the age had increased to 28. A month from now I’ll be 29, a little more than a week later my ace will be 30. I thought we were out. I thought we had made it. This bothered me. What bothered me even more is that I have begun to think of getting shot as something that happens to young people. Acne, puberty and bullet wounds. Proms and paramedics. I admit to the sickness of that line of thinking, but I also have to address the truth of it. That it’s much more likely for a young black male to be shot than anyone else. I can think of times in our lives when, while not at the forefront, the possibility of being shot was there. I can think of times that I counted myself blessed that I hadn’t been shot. Near misses and lucky escapes. All of those could be forgotten in the space of a day as I went on about my routine. Just accepting it as a part of life. I thought we were past it. I thought that we had seen the danger zone and made our way through it. I was wrong. I forgot that it wasn’t just the age, it was the people. So those most likely to shoot one of us is growing older with us. It’s just the ones younger than us are more likely than ever to shoot one another. But my graduating class has not left it behind…we probably never will. The glasshouse of my perception is shattered.

I’m gonna live till I die! I’m gonna laugh ’stead of cry,

I’m gonna live, live, live, until I die!

Frank Sinatra

“Be Dominant!”
Ceasar Milan

The art of the beating is going out of style. Some people just don’t want to do it (I bet they identify with that “this will hurt me more than you” thing that we never believed as kids). Some people do it waaaay to much and taint the whole enterprise…and break their kids minds and spirits. If done properly it’s a useful tool that won’t scar your children in any real way. So I thought I would recount my three best (or worst) beatings.

Surprise!!!

Perhaps some of you enjoyed playing outside as a youngster. Perhaps, occasionally like me, you were given instructions. Well this one day I was told to stay on the block and NOT go into my friend E.J.’s house. Of course as we start playing someone wants to play Punch Out! in E.J.’s house. Of course against better judgement I went in. Oh did we have a ball. I think we got up to Super Macho Man before I realized that I had been in dudes house for quite a while. I decide that I better go home since I lucked up and didn’t get caught (my peoples had no problem knocking on doors and bringing you out). As I walk up my steps it struck me as odd that my mother opened up the door. My spidey sense said something was wrong but what could I do. My moms said come on in, in such a plain voice, and WHACK!!! I never saw the belt behind her back. She gave it to me for a few good minutes and then let me know that I would be chilling on the front for the rest of the week.

Daddy.

My grandfather was known as Daddy. Mostly cause his kids all called him daddy so grandchildren adopted the term. Daddy only wanted to chill, be left alone and my grandmother to calm down and stop yelling so he could hear the T.V. Daddy was actually the get over. He wasn’t supposed to have fried fish so if you went with him on a run he would buy your loyalty with sweets. Anyway Daddy would never discipline he would just yell cause whatever we did had Granny yelling. So one day we were left with Daddy as everyone else was out shopping. Me and my two cousins had a good ole. Yelling, screaming and chasing each other around the house. Jumping up and down on the couch and all sorts of fun stuff. We didn’t seem to hear Daddy telling us to settle down. We didn’t notice that he was getting upset. We did notice once he pulled out that extension cord…the long orange chumpie people use with lawnmowers. He introduced us to something I call the Three Man Down. That’s where all three of us had to drop trow and lay across the couch as he introduced our asses to the extension cord. We learned that day that Daddy was laid back but he did not play.

Three for one.

I have pulled many stunts in my life and done some funny shit. This however is one of my mothers favorite stories to tell. One day, my cousin and I, are playing a game under the table. I can’t remember where I got it from but I started pouring battery acid into my cousins hair (she always had thick, long hair after that - I’m just saying). My grandmother walks into the room and starts kirking out. She proceeds to beat me within an inch of my life - #1. I move crying into another room where my aunt is at. She says Rahsaan, what’s wrong. My unorganized and hasty response was. “I poured battery acid in Tasha’s hair.” Should have considered that answer. My aunt proceeds to beat me back from the threshold my grandmother left me at - #2. So I, still crying, go upstairs and into my mothers room. She wakes up and says, “Boy why are you crying?” I, in the midst of sobs begin to tell her the story. My mistake once again was that I did not explain my tears were produced by the two beatings I had just had. Once again I open up with, “I poured battery acid in Tasha’s hair.” Damn I was a dumb kid. My mother tore into my ass - #3. So I proceed back downstairs trying to cry but a boy can only tear up for so long. My other aunt walks into the house and say’s, “Rahsaan, why are you crying?” My response to her? “I’m not telling!” As I ran into the next room crying. I may learn slow but I pick up eventually.

In summary beatings are part of the reason why I still have to build up my courage to say no to my mother. I remind myself, “I’m a grown ass man, and I don’t have to do that.” In reality you shouldn’t beat your children all the time. A well timed beating will allow you to influence your children with piercing looks. Even though I stand over my mother my only experience is with her beating me. If I had no respect I would still have ingrained memories of any confrontation being strictly one way.

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.”
Fran Lebowitz (1950 - )

Ah the beautiful creatures. We must break them before they take over. As you can see from the picture above someone else knows about the “Amadeo Method” of child rearing. I, however, only recommend duct tape for children that can speak and walk. Since you know about the duct tape game, that alot of kids enjoy actually, I thought I’d go into some of the other ways I corrupt and harrass children.

Foreign Languages - I love to teach kids how to say things in other languages. Especially ones that their parents can’t speak. I plan to move on to teaching them cockney slang in the near future.

Christening - The names our parents give us often hold significant meaning. I choose to totally ignore them and give out nicknames. Gerber-face, Rugrat, Crumbsnatcher, Short-round and Stinky are my chosen standards. I will make ones specific to the child and their chosen activities.

Packaging - For some unexplained reason I often have the urge to stick children in boxes. I’m not sure where it comes from. I have threatened to stick children in drawers (like in file cabinets) so far I haven’t done this…but I’ll be ready when the chance presents itself.

Laying down the Law - This goes for various ages, but most especially the very young children. What you do is get their attention, point right at them and say: “Hey! Don’t think it’s all sweet. You think just cause you under three feet tall I won’t serve you?!?! I will stomp you into a mudhole! I love nothing better than to manhandle someone who can’t reach past my knee area so watch your step buddy!” It helps them to understand their place in the world.

Clueless - One of my favorite things to do to little kids is to tap them on the shoulder and then look away. Yes it’s an old one…I like to be the way that kids learn about it, sue me. It’s important that you do it while they’re young so that they’ll really be confused. When they’re too old the become certain that you’re doing it. When they’re at the right age even if they think you did it you can convince them otherwise.

American Craftmanship - I’m quite fond of offering parents the chance use me as a middle man to sell their kids overseas as sweatshop labor. Look people nothing is being manufactured here anymore. It’s time we started taking advantage of the outsourcing trends…I make money, parents get to sleep at night and kids get to show what American worksmanship is really about. USA! USA! USA!

“Hey Reading Rainbow, stop promoting the homo-literate agenda.”
Stephen Colbert

I’d just like to let out a little Venom for a few folks. O.k. that and self-promote. Dumb Adults are getting it on un-mute…courtesy…me. I’m always ready to serve dumb teenagers, but I’ll let them slide since they have to best chance to reform themselves. So, first I have some special feelings for the Mayor of my city Sheila Dixon.

Mayor Dixon
WTF!?!?! I know that alot of streets need repaving, I get it. But in a city that may have more than half a million people in it, while only being maybe more than 10 miles across, do you reeeeally thinkg it’s a good idea to begin construction on 8 streets that are all connected, in downtown? Hmmm? Operation Orange Cone my ass! Did we want to see just how screwed up traffic could get? Was that the plan? Stab your eyes!!!! Then you have the nerve to do this all around Lexington Market. As if it wasn’t bad enough with people randomly wandering into the street over there. I swear can already hardly use the traffic signals, you just wait for a group of people that actually care if they get hit by a car. Thanks Dixon…all I really needed was something else to make me a little bit later. Not that I won’t use all that construction as an excuse when it’s convenient.

Idiot Drivers
Special shout outs to some of you. Like the lady who drove by memory instead of actually looking at the lines in the street. Yeah, didn’t you ever wonder why people were coming the opposite way in the lane you were in and honking and going around you? Moron. Always shouts to the people who speed up to get in front of me, then slow down, then speed up to run the red light and leave me stuck waiting. You guys are great, don’t ever change. There will always be a place in my heart for those out of towners that act like even though they don’t know exactly where to go, it’s ok to drive at half the speed limit on busy streets. I’m sure you do it in your state/city all the time.

Dubya
You know what…forget it. You’re dead to me. You come off the list.

Toddlers
You stay on constant notice. Don’t think being cute would let you fly under the radar. I see you and I’m cutting you no slack. Start walking, speak clearly and get jobs…that’s right.

Bill Belichick
Cheater…Goodell may take it easy on you, but you get no wins over here.

Department of Labor
How long will we do this dance? Yeah you’ve been paying my salary for the last six years, but that doesn’t mean I have to like you. You and your report generating ways. I’m getting real tired of filling out all this damn paperwork. If I ever get the chance I’ll expose you for the fact twisting, paper-wasting, false expectation having monster that you are. I know the truth about unemployment statistics. If Bill Maher would pay me to come on his show I’d snitch on you in a second. You know what…a nation of case managers would thank me for it. You weren’t so bad when a Democrat was in office and you were giving out more money, but lately I’ve come to despise you more and more.

You wanna put some folks on notice? Go on over here and let them have it.

“Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what’s right.”
Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)

So I tried to think of somethings I’ve done recently that would can’t as transgressions of some kind. The sad thing is that pretty much everything is work related. The only naughty things I’ve done in my personal life…would change the rating of my blog should I discuss them. I’m not sure what that says about me.

1) Meetings - So every now and then I have to leave and go to a meeting. Well lately I’ve had a lot more “meetings”. Some of them are stenuous…there was that one that I spilled half my Venti Green Tea Latte w/raspberry on my car seat. Then the one where I went home and sat on the toilet reading. Plus the one when I drove around and then went to Rite Aide. My favorite though involved an unspilled Latte (VGTLwR), 20 minutes in front of Starbucks and dusting an Accord on the Howard St. Bridge (THE JETTA HAS A TURBO PUNKS!).

2) Catching Up - This very week I read about 4 Chapters of Stephen King’s IT during work hours. I read less than 25% of one chapter during my lunch break. I fricking love that book. I also spent a total of two hours (spaced out) looking up articles on the web relating to the book. Then I got sidetracked on Wikipedia and started reading about the Dark Tower Series, Pet Cemetary and Dreamcatcher.

3) Hell You Say - Alot of the kids that I work with cuss way too much. To the point where the words don’t even mean anything anymore. I asked one to watch his mouth his respones was to cuss at me. I must have had hearing loss cause I forgot to whisper when I told him that I would kick him in his throat if he ever spoke to me like that again. Luckily the director wasn’t around…not that that would have stopped me as I was pissed.

4) The Artist - Over the past few weeks I’ve been making flyers and posters of a co-worker and taping them to her door. One was a promotional poster for The Last Boyscout. I put replaced Damon Wayans with her (face and name) and changed the title to the last Girlscout. You can get a lot done at work without Photoshop if you’re creative.

5) Errands - Even though most jobs hate this…screw them. See, I figure that if you work from 9 - 5 at some point in time you’ll have to handle personal business during work hours. Seeing as how your work hours are the most common business hours it makes sense. But jobs tend to get touch about it. I however handle mine with reckless abandon. Just today I’ll be goinng to get my license plates during the day. What can I say? I feel no way about it.

6) Interweb - I have no way to document how much time I spend on Youtube, Blogs, Fantasy Football, Wikipedia, Wikiquote, Amazon and a slew of other sites during the day. I wouldn’t put creating a personal website on company time past me.

Francis Fratelli: Tell us everything! Everything!
Chunk: Everything. OK! I’ll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog… When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out… But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience.And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

I watched Goonies yesterday, one of my favorite movies of boyhood. When it came to the scene where the Fratellis threatened to put Chunks hand in the blender if he didn’t “spill his guts” (he summarily told them every bad thing he had done in his whole life), I thought perhaps I should do the same. So here is a list of my most PussPuss Succubus moments. (Puss Puss Succubus - Meaning the cruddiest you can be. Puss being a substance that appears amidst infection and Succubus a demon (female, but not for our purposes) that leads men to eternal damnation).

1) The Tack - In the sixth grade there was this guy in my class named Henry. Henry was the type of guy that people made fun of - alot. He had a speech impediment and eternally looked like his clothes weren’t ironed and hair wasn’t combed. Well one day I put a tack on his chair. He sat on it AND got in trouble for the noise he mad. I felt bad, one because I never used to do things like that, two because he got in trouble for being a victim and three we were two of the 4 black boys in that class (this one bothered me more later - Amadeo bringing another brother down- god damn).

2) The Punch - Growing up I lived with 5 females including my younger. Now despite the fact that she could cry on cue and got me into trouble many times I have commit crud against her. One day while (I didn’t realize this til later) her mother was having a serious family meeting in the living room, we were in the kitchen with a younger female cousin. Tasha decides to teach our cousin how to fight. She’s showing her some wild ass-please-beat-me-up-type swings. So I step in to correct the situation. I, by mistake, hit Tasha for real. She gets mad puts her head down and charges me. On reflex (I swear), I threw up my hands and gave her a straight jab to the forehead. The surprising thing is it hurt her more than me. She dropped her hands, stood straight up, started crying and walking away. I spent the next five minutes trying to occupy our younger cousin who tried to tell on me. Since there was a serious conversation going on no one would listen to her.

3) Student Government - I’ll start by saying I don’t feel bad about this. I was the Parlimentarian for the S.G.A. in High School. It was my job to keep order (which I didn’t know til the end of the year). I was the lone source of disruption in ALL S.G.A. meetings. The true crud was that I used that position to cut school. We all had I.D. cards to show that we were in S.G.A. and my school used to do “hall sweeps”. Basically they would close the gates and have administrators go through the halls suspending everyone who was out without a pass. I would walk through the herded suspendees, show my I.D. and say I’m doing an errand for S.G.A. Then I would promptly leave the building for the day.

4) Hustle Kid - I have never given an account of my hustle man/criminal tactics, but I have plenty stories. For instance I sold Bidis, if you don’t know bidis are tobacco wrapped in ebony leaf and if you never smoked one they give you a temendous buzz. These things cost a dollar a pack (twenty in a pack). Everyone didn’t know about them and the word began to grow about these “weed sticks” that certain people had (I am legendary in Bmore for bidis and clove cigarettes). People started approaching me and offering to buy them at a dollar each and I obliged. I spent a $1 and made $19 per pack. I also cornered the market on Hall Passes. Since I was in the S.G.A. I spent alot of time in and out of the office and had access. I also came across some carbon paper and the signature of Ms. Kim (a Korean math teacher with a thick accent). I later refined my signature forging process but I got alot of people out of class for long time - for a fee of course.

5) The Prankcall - To friends of mine from around the way used to do prank calls. They were so good that they made up a voice and a character to go with it. Henry. They had henry beefing with 3 dudes and talking to 4 girls. Every know and again they would call me and get a number from me of someone I no longer gave a damn about to pull a prank on. One day I gave them the number of a guy in the next block I used to hang with. When we were even younger he had gotten arrested for antics in the local Bus Yard and his mother had kept him on lock since. So they call the guy and his mother picks up the phone. She explains that he is not there and “Henry’s” response is, “Smoke up all my damn weed, alright have a good day.” Needless to say dude’s mother did not appreciate that.

6) The System - I was the Ultimate cheater. I have devised a system to cheat on every kind of test ever given in school. I have cheated on everything from a regular class assignment to a final exam. My current wingman will admit that I got him through several classes from 8th grade to graduation. Despite being a top student, I used my powers for evil. I would exploit a teachers weakness (one liked to talk about current events so whenever I didn’t feel like doing work I would bring up something from the news and get her to talk through the entire class). I even did not complete my final exam for accounting, spent the time helping others and still passed with a grade in the upper 90’s. I was smart, but I conned more teachers into passing me than a little bit. I practiced my tagging skills via my classwork and even if teachers didn’t understand it they passed me and left notes like “write clearer”. B.T.W. for all school age people look out for my upcoming book “Beating the System: The Amadeo Way. I’m currently working on a version for post-school life.

7) Sex - I will note that I feel bad about this. The summer after I graduated I went crazy with the ladies. I don’t know about all men, but I got the baton and ran with it. That is the period of my life in which I had them most sex with the most women (most of them were older) in the shortest span of time. I’m talking working one this week and starting another the next week. I literally had a 5 day turn around time. Anyway, what I had never had was an actual “girlfriend”. We either talked or had sex. This sister becomes interested in me and people let me know. I pursue, I win her over, I have sex with her - I promptly lose all interest. The problem was I did not expect it! I tried to avoid her for a while until she approached me and told me what the deal was. I tried to deny and say I had been busy, but she was wiser than I. I had not been in that situation yet and didn’t check my intentions vs. hers and that created a bad situation. This was how I learned to check myself before stepping into something.

8) Slick Time - I have taken sick days over the course of my employment. Honestly I don’t think I have ever been sick for any of them. I have been sick of work and ironically I have come to work on most of the days that I was actually sick. I don’t feel bad about this, it is kind of cruddy though.

9) Conferences - For my job I have had to attend several conferences and I will say this - Adults who work with young people are some of the most horny people I have come across. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, well for this brand what happens in (fill in the blank) stays in (fill in the blank). I will say I did not take advantage of all of the opportunities I had on these trips, which may have been a mistake, but I did lush out on all of them. In Leesburg I got to know all of the bartenders personally and had an unspecified number of drinks everynight. In Dallas, my sink turned into a bar and I had people in my room everynight. If someone looked tired the next day, they had probably been in my room. I am the corruptor. My reason for not sleeping with anyone in Dallas was a result of principle. The girl that was trying to go was married and I couldn’t do that….O.K. I did drunk dial another sister who I knew was down, but she was either sleep or I had the wrong room.

“Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.”
Voltaire (1694 - 1778)

So as I look around at my city, the country and the world…I always come back to one thought. What will change this? Is there anything but time or utter ruin that will bring sufficient enlightenment to people? When will people live as whole? When will we stop lying to ourselves about the state of things? As much as I try to avoid the news, there is always something else that comes to my attention that confirms my belief in the fact that people are misguided. So I ask myself and I put this question to you all…what will it take? Is it all just a matter of time? As resources grow thing will people work to improve things or will they simply horde new fuels? Will people claim enlightenment and openness will harboring the fears bourne of ignorance? So much trouble in the world. Is the appreciation of little things simply a way to avoid facing the large problems that surround us or is it the only way to stay sane. Do you laugh to keep from crying? I see many fall into the maddness like leaves in the fall. As though it were a natural progression. I’m concerned with my financial state and when my car will need brakes and how the Ravens will do this year. All of these things are just clouds though. They are smoke that keeps my mind from the fire. What do you believe and what’s real to you?