“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.”
Fran Lebowitz (1950 - )

Ah the beautiful creatures. We must break them before they take over. As you can see from the picture above someone else knows about the “Amadeo Method” of child rearing. I, however, only recommend duct tape for children that can speak and walk. Since you know about the duct tape game, that alot of kids enjoy actually, I thought I’d go into some of the other ways I corrupt and harrass children.

Foreign Languages - I love to teach kids how to say things in other languages. Especially ones that their parents can’t speak. I plan to move on to teaching them cockney slang in the near future.

Christening - The names our parents give us often hold significant meaning. I choose to totally ignore them and give out nicknames. Gerber-face, Rugrat, Crumbsnatcher, Short-round and Stinky are my chosen standards. I will make ones specific to the child and their chosen activities.

Packaging - For some unexplained reason I often have the urge to stick children in boxes. I’m not sure where it comes from. I have threatened to stick children in drawers (like in file cabinets) so far I haven’t done this…but I’ll be ready when the chance presents itself.

Laying down the Law - This goes for various ages, but most especially the very young children. What you do is get their attention, point right at them and say: “Hey! Don’t think it’s all sweet. You think just cause you under three feet tall I won’t serve you?!?! I will stomp you into a mudhole! I love nothing better than to manhandle someone who can’t reach past my knee area so watch your step buddy!” It helps them to understand their place in the world.

Clueless - One of my favorite things to do to little kids is to tap them on the shoulder and then look away. Yes it’s an old one…I like to be the way that kids learn about it, sue me. It’s important that you do it while they’re young so that they’ll really be confused. When they’re too old the become certain that you’re doing it. When they’re at the right age even if they think you did it you can convince them otherwise.

American Craftmanship - I’m quite fond of offering parents the chance use me as a middle man to sell their kids overseas as sweatshop labor. Look people nothing is being manufactured here anymore. It’s time we started taking advantage of the outsourcing trends…I make money, parents get to sleep at night and kids get to show what American worksmanship is really about. USA! USA! USA!