Celebrity Pedophiles
Dungeon Master: Just follow that path. But beware. You must never touch - the beauty - that breathes the beast.
Eric: Beauty that breathes the beast? What is that, Cinderella with bad breath?
So this weekend I stole my mother’s Dungeon and Dragons complete boxed set. This thing is dope, if you’re really a nerd and you actually play the D&D games, it gives you a scenario using the characters from the cartoon. This is not what I come to tell you though. I have come to put out a warning. After all these years I realized something. Dungeon Master is a pedo.
Just look at the facts:
He lures kids into his world with an amusment park ride. He might as well have been standing in his door saying, “You kids like popsicles?”
He keeps stringing them along: “I’ll help you get home, I just need you to do a little something for me real quick.” Then they always get to see home, but just miss getting there. Dangling the carrot in their face.
He gives them gifts to gain their favor: “Here have a magic stick.”
He gives them a pet. By the way was Uni gay or a female or just another victim?
He talks in a soft voice and uses riddles.
He steadily builds their trust for something big. At the start of an episode Eric is usually complaining and whatever he puts them through at the end everyone is glad to see him. Plus as evil as Venger is he doesn’t take dude out. He let’s him chase the kids and leaves them to their wits. Then he shows up and says, “See, I knew you could do it!”
Why do you think Eric was always so surly towards Dungeon Master? He got touched first! He found out early on what DM was all about. The rest of them just wouldn’t listen to him. The second person just didn’t know enough to express what was going on. You can tell pretty easily though.
Just look at the pain in little Bobby’s eyes. There’s a world of hurt right there.
as wrong as the day is long, but oh so right.
Comment by dp — December 17, 2007 @ 11:46 pm
Wait a minute…
D&D was a cartoon? I totally don’t remember that!
Anyways, was the cartoon anime? Japanese cartoons often have pedophile characters in the show to warn children of the dangers of trusting adults who pretend to be their friends. I’m serious, they really do put pedophile characters in their shows. The best example of this was Rei’s granddad in Sailor Moon. He was always trying to get with little girls.
Anyways, if D&D is anime, and you’re getting pedophile vibes, then you’re probably right.
Comment by Reese — December 18, 2007 @ 12:45 am
You may be on to something. And your mother rocks, I must say.
Comment by kofi — December 18, 2007 @ 2:16 am
Heed my warning kind sir.
Speaketh not of life within the folds of D&D unless thee is prepared to playeth the game, nay - to LIVE the game.
Comment by jali — December 18, 2007 @ 2:10 pm
now you got me questioning the motives of every balding white male dwarf i come in contact with.
Comment by nikki indigo — December 18, 2007 @ 3:18 pm
Um…can i hang out with your mom? no…like for real.
Comment by Breez — December 18, 2007 @ 5:32 pm
Wow…………..
Comment by STO — December 18, 2007 @ 6:00 pm
your momma owns d&d? hot dang, your momma rocks!
and i look forward to doing battle with you again….
Comment by aquababie — December 18, 2007 @ 9:06 pm
lol, you may be on to something man
Comment by jdid — December 19, 2007 @ 3:27 am
this was TMI and i’ve never even seen the show or watched the game
Comment by geegee — December 22, 2007 @ 12:34 pm
Here’s to the sage’s mom. I dub her a Queen in every sense of the word. Oh, and she is down too! Got my mind’s wheels really spinning now man.
Comment by Luke Cage — December 23, 2007 @ 11:47 am
Happy Holidays to you and yours!!!
Comment by 1969 — December 25, 2007 @ 2:06 am
“He gives them gifts to gain their favor: “Here have a magic stick.””- Hilarious!
Comment by Roxanne — December 28, 2007 @ 10:06 pm
This really explains a lot. I think you just described one of my neighbors. I remember hearing that popsicle line when I was a little girl.
Comment by Catherinette Singleton — December 31, 2007 @ 6:23 pm
You are a SICK young man….BRILLIANT, but sick…and funny as hail!
Comment by Mark Dub — March 5, 2008 @ 6:43 pm