“In giving advice, seek to help, not please, your friend.”
Solon (638 BC - 559 BC)
Write down the advice of him who loves you, though you like it not at present.
English Proverb
So as usual when I surf the interwebs I have come across controversy…not really. Most internet controversy is never really controversial. It’s just a reimagining of Godwin’s Law:
“As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.”
This one involved Black Women and relationships. This topic always brings about chaos and thrusts the souls of those nearby into purgatory for however long they keep reading. I won’t go into what started…I don’t have to. Just say black women and marriage or relationships, discuss…you’ll probably end up with the same basic comments. Instead of rehashing I’d just like to build on something I’ve noticed. So here is my message to black women in general:
Who said you were a good woman? - That’s right. Mind you no one denies the existence of dead beat dads, lame brothers and so forth. It does bother me that I see large groups of women discussing them and wondering why they can’t find a good man. I heard that Micheal Baisden asked this question, but I don’t listen so I’m asking it myself. Who said you were a good woman? I mean if you use a class room analogy - there a some A students, some D students but the majority are B and C students. A students never have to complain about the bell curve, it’s the B, C and D students that it bothers. Elementary my dear Watson. If you take a random sampling of 50 black women…how often are all of them truly good women?
To put it another way…take an actual good women then count out 49 women she knows that are single…how many of them would she be willing to try and hook up with her brother (if we consider that he is actually a good man)? I’m pretty certain she’s going to whittle that number down a nice amount. She probably wouldn’t be willing to call all of them her friends. I’m pretty sure that there would be at least 15 out of the group that the sister in question would tell her brother he should avoid at all costs.
All of you are not angels and plenty of you suck. Those of you who may not suck should not let the ones who do slide.
You’re young and obviously not ready - What’s the deal with all the complaints I see from people younger then 25 about how there are no good men and they may never get married? The average age of a college graduate is about 21…probably older. So why the hell would your entire life be set less then 5 years after you graduate? Hell, some of you haven’t even been legally able to drink for longer then a year!!! You are not close to being an old cat lady. You are still, in fact, young…if you are not married by the time you are 24 it does not mean you’ll have to be artifically insemenated. Slow down. This also leads to my next topic:
Come to the Grey area there’s plenty of room - It’s fine to have standards. It’s ok to create lists of traits you would like to see in a mate. The problem is if your list is too specific and not meeting every quality means automatic exclusion from your dating pool. You are not going to find a deaf/mute with a 5 pound dick and a trust fund. You may find a spiritual, educated man with a career and a home…but he might not be 6′ 3″ and like dogs - get over it. Additionally stop putting things on the list that you don’t have. If you live with your mama you can’t demand a man who owns a home. If you don’t want someone who lives with their mama…why would someone who doesn’t want you? If you list starts with money, homes, cars or career…prepare to end up with an asshole who spends all his time away from home. Having priorities and standards is required…having specific physical traits, salary requirements and educational levels is pretty dumb. A college education does not ensure intelligence…if you went to college you should know this. Every professional person I know works for or with a very well educated idiot….all that school means is someone was able to remember and recall information that was given to them. There are people working at Starbucks that I trust more then some executive directors. I understand not wanting to be with a broke ass person…but really the more money someone makes the bigger the chance they are an asshole. Mostly because people like you held that trait in such high esteem that they n0w feel like they can get who and whatever they want…thanks.
100 ways to please/get/keep a man by…some lady - It’s a good thing that you are willing to take advice…really. But get some better sources.
Here is a list of people not to take advice from:
Your bitter ass friend who can never keep a man.
Your bitter ass friend who recently got divorced.
Most magazines.
Your friend that is the only one who doesn’t know her man is crap.
Unmarried single mothers with 6 kids and 7 baby daddies.
Single people who have had a total of 3 relationships…the first one during high school, the other 2 lasted a total of 2 years.
Dudes who are trying to sleep with you.
Your guy friends, who you’ve never met a girl they were dating (see above).
Your friend who gave up on even dating, much less having a relationship.
Good sources of advice:
People (men or women) who are happily married and don’t pretend their relationship is based on fairy dust and kittens.
Old married couples who are not crazy and have only thought about killing each other (they never actually tried).
People who admit to their own personal faults, have regrets and tell you what you should do instead of what the other person needs to do.
People who will point out the mistake your Significant other and you are making.
Guy friends who are not assholes and are commited to a woman (not just with, but actually commited).
Me (I keed, I keed)
He did it, He did it - Frankly, unless you have authority over someone blame is useless…you can’t make them do anything so it doesn’t matter. Time would be better spent focusing on ourselves and the choices we make. All of these issues are cyclical and rely on both sexes accepting behaviors from the other.
If every man got himself together, soon so would every woman because those men wouldn’t be trying to deal with trifling women.
If every woman got herself together, soon so would every man because those women wouldn’t be trying to deal with trifling men.
What we have is a situation with shared responsibility, you can never look at it from one side and assign blame to the other. All are accountable. Since I personally can’t change anyone all I can do is hold myself accountable for my actions. I suggest we all do the same.
WWWD:
“If yer expecting me t’ run over an’ give you a lovin’ embrace, yer barkin’ up th’ wrong tree.”
Wolverine
Aptly stated.
Comment by kofi — June 23, 2008 @ 3:51 pm
I co-sign this entire post.
And I should know….this is me…
“People (men or women) who are happily married and don’t pretend their relationship is based on fairy dust and kittens.”
Comment by 1969 — June 23, 2008 @ 6:29 pm
Well said, Master Teacher.
Comment by Empath — June 23, 2008 @ 8:33 pm
lol@
If you live with your mama you can’t demand a man who owns a home. If you don’t want someone who lives with their mama…why would someone who doesn’t want you?
exactly.
Comment by GC — June 24, 2008 @ 3:25 pm
Well played, kind sir…..well played. I have often said many of the same things, be it far less eloquently, to some of my female friends. I ALWAYS say when someone complains that women/men are fcuked up, that PEOPLE are fcuked up.
Comment by Mark Dub — June 26, 2008 @ 7:47 pm
A+
Comment by So...Wise — June 27, 2008 @ 3:54 am
I agree with you… to a point. The question of a woman’s worthiness of being able to be in relationship, may, in some cases, be misleading– being in a relationship doesn’t have anything to do with you being nice or not.There are tons of mean people who have someone and people who are nice who do not. I think the bigger question is, ” is there some kind of self value attached or detached if you have a man or not? Often we (as human beings, in general) belief that there is. And regardless of personal beliefs regarding the relationship between black men and black women, the statistics do not lie, black women are less likely to find a black man compatible to date. Funny, the other day, my friends from high school and I went to an event at the Brooklyn Museum and I saw a black women and an East Asian man, together, as a couple. I said to my guy friend, who is black and gay, ” I am seeing more black women and East Asian men as couples lately and he said, “It’s not like you guys have many choices.” So, just from a statistical perspective, even with the woman who isn’t “good” to date,or who is too picky, or too young, etc, black men still luck out in probably finding a suitable black woman as a mate–merely statistically speaking– if they are looking for a black woman to begin with.
I believe however, that women as a whole should stop having this, :whoa is me!” type of attitude, if they are not with someone. I believe that everyone, woman or man, black, brown or white is worthy of being loved but it begins within and so we attract similar people like ourselves to ourselves. So the question, Amadeo, or Micheal Baisden, shouldn’t be are you good enough for a man? The question should be, are you good to you…period.
Comment by ngalanjala — July 13, 2008 @ 5:03 am