“We need to have a meeting about the daily cocktail hour I’m trying to implement.”
Me to the Executive Director
Let’s face it you work in an office and it sucks. There are always some stupid people. Someone talks to much and drags out meetings. They probably don’t pay you enough and you’re there too long. If you can’t laugh at someone during the day you’re going to die a slow death so, before I leave for my three day weekend (Thank you JEBUS!) I’ll give you guys my collection of tips on making work fun…enjoy.
Handling Meetings:
You don’t have to prove how smart you are. The worse thing about a meeting is length. Even worse is when a long meeting is made longer because every person at the table wants to give a dissertation on every single agenda item. Hey stupid! If you’re really smart you would understand short and to the point…I’m eating lunch after this, move it along.
Supreme lateness. If for some reason you are late…first off make a call beforehand to let people know you will be late and when you enter hold your head high. You had a reason to be late so don’t slink your way into the room. If you are addressed speak loudly and throw bass in your voice.
Grub On. The best part of a lot of meetings is when food is provided. Take advantage! They spent the money and if the meeting is during the right part of the day you can avoid spending your own money on lunch. If you you have sandwiches put one in between two plates and take it with you. If there are bottle drinks, drink one and take one with you. If anyone looks at you funny…ask them to pass you some napkins or something (with or without food in your mouth).
Find the Sense of Humor. So that your don’t lose I.Q. points from listening to people ramble on, find the person in your meetings with a sense of humor. Either the person that will joke or will listen to them. It shaves minutes off of the meeting. Plus if the person directing the meeting is full of shit you have someone to share this with, without worrying about the Brown-Nose effect.
Be Annoying and Unusual. I personally do certain things because they are not proper. For instance I wear shades all day and night. Honestly, artificial lights bother my eyes and give me a headache. This does not stop me from enjoying the fact that I’m wearing them in a Managerial meeting. I also lean back in my chair, doodle, and all other types of things that would suggest that I am not paying attention. My favorite is the short answer. When the Executive Director is going on and on about something he doesn’t like and wants changed, Blah blah blah yackety smackety, tall cool glass of O.J. (that’s the overdub in my mind). I respond with a simple “O.K.”. He goes on a 15 minute rant that would send have most employees placating him with solutions and I respond, “O.K.”
Don’t be a Bobble Head. There is an old syndrom…some say brown-nose, some say apple polisher. Me, I call thoses afflicted Bobble-Heads. The directors words cause the slightest vibration and these poor people go into head nodding gyrations and their mouths start spewing forth statments like, “Yes sir I’m on top of that, Yes ma’am will forward that information, Yes sir we’ve already started that.” The problem is they usually aren’t, won’t and haven’t. The good thing about bobble heads is that when it all comes down they usually don’t know whats going on and when cornered their gyrations turn to full blown convulsions. They also make good fodder for you and the person with humor.
Talking to Stupid People. Despite what we were taught in school education and performance are not all that get people jobs. Alot of people (including myself) have gotten jobs because they know people. The problem is people have hired me because of my intelligence while some people recommend people from their church or extra-curricular activity. This leads to stupid people holding important positions. When talking to one of these people I recommend kicking up your vocabulary and throwing in latin phrases. “Our modus operandi has been to form a symbiotic relationship with an organization. Basically creating a foundation of trust through felicitous practices ensuring future partnerships.” Suck on that stupid.
Show up Administration. Because I am a the frontline staff with the most knowledge of the system and seniority to boot, I often have to go to managers meetings when my own cannot attend. These meetings basically revolve around fear of the Executive Director. Alot of mumbling, hesitation to answer, and basic pussy-footing. This makes it my duty to offer any information (minus the fear in my voice) that I have when the “managers are stumbling”. Nothing looks worse than frontline staff showing managers up.
Disagree Freely. There is a syndrom of scraping and bowing in alot of meetings. So often when someone in charge says something stupid no one wants to challenge it. Do so with bravado. If it’s stupid you can’t sound bad if you attack it logically. It also sends the message that you are not a yes man. Plus the look on everyone’s face that you have dared to contest the mighty dragon is priceless.
Suggestive Signals. Often we are required to speak to people who we don’t like and think are stupid. This combination means you end up repeating yourself when you would rather just call them and asshole and keep walking. Since you haven’t put in your two week notice yet, here is how to entertain yourself while you still have to speak with them. You can: yawn while they are talking to you. Make any and all pointing gestures with your middle finger. My favorite move (sorry ladies I have no equivalent for you) is the Package Grab. When I am speaking to some silly assclown I do a basic nut grab as if it’s the period in my sentence. If they notice, so what. If they don’t I have entertained myself.
Hints # 2
1) Random laughter - At various times during the day I just burst out laughing and I don’t tell anyone why. I have been known to do this in 5 min. bursts. It doesn’t help that I sound like a cross between The Count and The Joker. When people get annoyed…I laugh louder.
2) Throw things - This is a random thing. Ex: I’m walking through the office and someone is writing something, I grab the pen from their hand and toss it across the room. I also do this with papers that people are reading, basically anything that won’t break. If they are looking at something on the table I push it into the floor.
3) Blasting music - Sometimes this won’t work cause people may like your music. I recommend playing things like: Tom Jones - She’s a Lady, Skid Row from the Little Shop of Horrors soundtrack, or Robert Newman’s -Short People (got no reason to live). If your office hates rock…Ironman by Black Sabbath. I also like to play Comedy C.D.s.
4) Make light of your co-workers flaws - One of my co-workers is on a diet so everytime I’m going out and she asks me to grab her a cookie or something I crack on her about her addiction to sweets. “Yo, yo just let me get one choclate chip…it be calling me son.” This will vary with each co-worker but the more they hate their flaw the more fun you can have with it.
5) Inter-office prank calls - I love to find something about a co-worker then call from a different extension in my best white man voice and act like I’m talking business about it (student loans, any type of debt is great). Even better is to have someone call from outside of the office and harrass someone. A good one was my boss having her friend call (as a miscellaneous woman) and say she had been checking me out. The problem was instead of being embarrassed I suggested we go have lunch. It would have been good, if I had been shook.
6) Computer Backrounds - There is nothing worse than getting up to do something and coming back to your computer and the backround is changed to something like this.
Know the limit…I however go to the abyss - Darkness muthafucka!
7) Offensive Screensaver - I prefer the saver in windows that lets you type in text and then choose how fast to make it spin. People see it and have to find out what it says. Too bad for them mine reads, “Read me loser”. It’s one of those things were you shouldn’t have been bothering with it anyway so you feel stupid when you get insulted by it.
8)Where am I? - We have on of those boards with each staff members name on it and a magnet you can slide to an In or Out Column. I like to leave mine in the middle and in the comments section I wrote, “Physically here, mentally….”.
9) Rubber bands - This is too easy. I had my boss order me a bag of rubber bands in a Staples order. Every now and again one of them mysteriously flies across the room and hits someone. I insist that it’s an equipment malfunction.
10) Creative use of soundfiles - This depends on your circumstance and ability to acquire sound files. For example: One day a co-worker found cause to wear a totally pink out fit. For the rest of the day when she walked into or past my office the theme from the “Pink Panther” cartoon started playing. A client wore some plaid pants that looked like a picnic table cloth and was introduced into the room by “The Teddy Bears Picnic”.
Previous Jobs:
Dishwasher
Old Country Buffet
This was fun, while I recommend that you don’t eat there it was safe for me cause I got to know who to trust. Plus my man who got me the job eventually became a cook so we would place special orders…more cheese in the macaroni sir! In order to pass the time at this job we did all of the following:
Used our free food privilege to make sundays and shakes with special additives like Kahlua and Bailey’s.
Indulged in less, how do I say it…oh yeah - legal activities when taking out trash.
Spray the girls who worked the floor with our hose.
Shut down the equipment to have a battle (lyrically speaking).
Stare down customers who came to tell us about a mess their child had made.
Group Home Tutor
SAFE Managment
This job was okay but I didn’t like the lack of uniformity about how they dealt with the clients. I always dig working with young cats though. The thing is the oldest residents were 17 and didn’t know I was 18. Another thing if you work with inner city youth that hate math…convert it to drugs or dice, muhfukkas can add, subtract, divide and multiply real quick on that note.
Apply sleeper hold to the residents (they liked it what can I say?).
Show the residents they did not corner the market on insults and snappy comebacks.
Ask who did one thing and find out every bad thing that happened all week (snitches!)
Let them crack on each other until I got bored with listening.
After School Program Staff
House of Mercy
I loved this job 5 - 10 year olds. All I had to do was help them with their homework and keep them busy. This was one of the most fun jobs I ever had in my life. Plus some of the teachers at the school where I picked them up from were fine so I enjoyed that aspect of the job as well.
In the winter I would pull the childrens scully down over the face as I let them in the door. After a month there would be a line of 25 children with their hands clutching their hats as they entered.
Dodgeball! Before you think I’m cruddy, I didn’t throw it that hard it’s just that most of them didn’t have the foresight to consider my ricochet skills. If you think I’m mean than I’d like to implicate my accomplice Femi (also known as the Dri Fish) he either participated or laughed at my antics.
Wrestling once again. With the girls I just talk to them and get them to do their homework. The boys always wanted to play or just DO something so I’d promise to “L” them out after they finished their homework. The funny thing is they would run off, do their homework, I’d “L” them out, then they’ go get their friends and come back like - “Mr. Rahsaan do him too.” - “Yeah, do me!” Gotta love the kids.
One of my favorite, yet most draining, activities was making children dizzy. Grab them by the ankle and wrist spin them around and around, then put them down and watch them try to keep their balance. I remember this girl named Dawn would always ask me to let her go so she could fly. I explained to her everyday that if I let her go she wouldn’t fly - for long anyway. She had too much faith in my ability to believe that. She would try to convince me everyday that if I let go she would fly and that was that. I never did let her go, but I enjoyed the debate.
Hints #3
1) Flipping/Moving: Simple as it is I derive a great amount of pleasure from flipping things over on peoples desks. Papers, boxes of tissue whatever as long as it won’t break or cause injury. Even better than that is moving things, for instance: in the midst of writing this I walked over to my co-workers office and put her keyboard under her desk. I’m waiting to hear her response.
2) Fun with Intercoms: In our new office we have an intercom system which I use for my fiendish pleasure. I’ll tell someone they need to focus then I’ll go to my desk and open the intercom to their phone, after 10 seconds of letting them hear air I say, “I hope you’re focused, you really need to focus.” The only thing better than repeating something is being able to say it different ways…I wish my co-workers where bi-lingual.
3) Signs: Since we’ve been in the new office I’ve taken to making signs. Say one day a co-workers was wearing cowboy boots. So I made a sign with a picture of cowboy boots and underneath I wrote: Thank God I’m a country girl. Then I taped it to her door. Another day she kept coughing so I made a sign that said wheezy and when ever she coughed I would slowly raise it over the top of my cubicle. I also save all of my signs to disk for possible future use.
4) Under the table: I’m always looking for something to do, you may have noticed. One day a co-worker was sitting next to me at a meeting and her shoe was partially off of her foot. So I kept nudging it to the point where it hung from her toes. She would fix it and try to pay attention to the meeting. Then I just kicked it all the way off. I also looked around like I didn’t know what that noise was.
5) Camera Phone: The camera phone is a glorious invention! It allows you to do things like, take pictures of your normally professional looking co-workers in odd situations. For instance (I play alot of jokes on her) the same co-worker and I were with some young people at a community service event for Moveable Feast where we had to wear hair nets and aprons. Ya’ll know how it can get with sistas who get their hair done so I had to take a picture of that wonderful visage. Since then I’ve shared it at staff meetings and just general moments through out the day. Downside: since my hair is more than a foot long the hairnet thing did not work out well for me either and I had espoused the virtue of her getting a camera phone as well.
Future of the Workplace:
Let’s get Darwinian: I say that only the strong survive. So if you can beat a co-worker you get to take their lunch hour in addition to yours. There is no limit to how many co-workers you can take out either. Just to be clear, this isn’t just a physical contest. If you bring a stun gun to work and take out 7 people than you earned yourself a 8 hour lunch. This may turn into something real interesting so for those who want to sit back and watch you can just throw a token in a pot and witness others fight over it.
Fifteen Minute Rule: Like when I was in college if the boss doesn’t get to class within 15 minutes of the start time everyone can leave…with pay. This also applies to traffic jams…if you’ll be 15 minutes late you can go home.
Coffee Fling: Sometimes you get a bad pot of coffee (if you’re a snob like me and the office uses Maxwell House than that’s everyday). I propose that if the coffee is not up to snuff you have one of two choices: Fling the pot against the wall while shouting, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” or Reserve the pot for flinging at the next person to say something stupid…your choice.
Might makes Right: If you deal with people (customers) you know that alot of time they can suck. From things like insisting to see the manager because their hamburger only had two pickles on it to acting like their expenditure of $3.45 gives them the right to dig all in you. I say you can meet any complaint with a physical challenge like that old show Double Dare (singles or teams). If you can beat them then they have to shut up. The nature of the physical challenge is up to the one who issues it.
Phrase Wars: Just like the movie Office Space, alot of people spew stupid office catch phrases. I say that the rule is if you say it you must pay for it. Throwing staplers, phones or any other office supply at the offender is acceptable. You can also take it back to grade school and give them a swirly or something of that nature. However Friday Phrases are allowed. By the end of the week you may be so fried that all you can do is spew over used mantras about the relief provided by an upcoming weekend…the exception is T.G.I.F. it’s just to corny - unless you’re at a middle-american conservative christian day camp or something.
Demolition Derby: As opposed to calling a repairman, you are allowed to smash any malfunction equipment. If a fit of rage overtakes you, you can also smash any other equipment in a 6 foot radius of the aforementioned equipment. Smashy, smashy.
E-mail protocols: I have noticed at my job that people don’t understand certain protocols like: typing in all caps is yelling or not to keep replying to a listserve when you’re talking to one person on it and the original email has an attachment that’s 500kb. So when you are faced with such stupidity you are allowed to travel to the office of the person in question and urinate all over their computer. If you’re not comfortable with this (or just don’t have to pee) you can just smash their PC.
Fire Good: When you no longer have to use an annoying form, manual or program it is acceptable to gather all of these items into a pile and burn them. If a manager asks you to speed it up or says anything you must burn them in effigy while mugging them down.
Flirting Rules: When in the office if there is someone worthy of flirting with than that takes precedent. Moreso if you get a good exchange going. Saying I need to get back to work can only be used as a cop out if you can’t think of a snappy comeback. Also anyone who tries to disturb you can be smacked with whatever is handy at the time.
Wanderlust: If you are out to lunch and come across an old friend or an event or anything that captures your attention than you are allowed to devote yourself to it. You do not have to return to work and you do not have to call and explain where you are. Vauge answers the next day are acceptable. (flirting rule applies here as well despite the lack of another co-worker)
Hints #4
1) Running an Errand.
Running errands can be an office workers best friend. It not only gets you out of the office, but if you work the situation you can stay out and do things for yourself. The best things are errands that are not immediate. This means there is a chance to stack things you need to do. Check the location of your errands to see what’s close by that you would like to do. Then run your errands at a time that means you’ll be off when you’re done. For instance. I have 3 errands that will take 2 or more hours. One is downtown. I do the first two at 2:00, then the one that takes me downtown. Then I go to Barnes & Noble, buy a venti mocha and read whatever book looks interesting…I leave at around 4:30 and head home. On the way home I say I’m finishing whichever errand was the furthest and since we’d be off by the time I get back I’m going home…see you tomorrow.
2) Chair Kicking
This one is more simple, but it requires the right equipment. I’ll just explain my set up. We have an intern in the office and two of the chairs she sits in have wheels. I walk up prop my foot on the arm and push. I do this whenever she is sitting down. Sometimes I pull her chair out just so it will move further when I do kick it.
3) Hideaway
I take and hide things from people. Pens, sodas, whatever is handy. In a meeting it’s usually pens. As soon as the person isn’t looking I put their pen on the other side of the table. If they get it back without knowing I moved it I keep doing it, just putting it in different spots. I also do it with sodas…the things is you to move something that will be looked for almost as soon as you move it. It’s more fun when the people really don’t notice it’s gone. You also have to put it in plain sight…just in a place it shouldn’t be.
4) Accent
Sometimes when I have to talk to a supervisor I like to use english slang that they won’t understand…or that at least will confuse them for a minute. Boss: “Amadeo how do I blahzay blah!”, Me: “Keep your Alan Whickers on, get a referral form, fill it out, have blank sign the authorization, call downtown, ask for Jones, get his info send it to him, wait for his confirmation and Bob’s your uncle.” The first phrase threw them off, the directions made them relax and then the last phrase created more confusion. If they ask me to repeat it my response is, “Bugger me.”
5) Calendar
This more fun when you have vacations coming. I like to write things of consequence only to me on other peoples calendars. Like I’ll write a countdown of days til’ my birthday. For example: I’ll start a month before my birthday and every day after put, “_____ days until the greatest day in the world.” I do the same thing for vacations. Sometime I also put things like: Amadeo will be out of the office at 12:00 - going crazy, may not return.
6) Sing a song
Since I am under a new oppressive regime and can’t do all that I used to I’ve had to come up with new material. For instance I sing. Not just any song, but something long that’s likely to annoy people. Last week I sang “The Song that Never Ends” Not familar…here are the lyrics:
This is the song that never ennnnnnnnnnnnnnds.
It goes on and on my friennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was.
They’ll continue singing it simply just because…
Repeat (until someone loses sanity).
There are two goals here one to annoy, two to see if you can get it stuck in someone elses head. I also recommend Muppets songs and things of that nature.
Black, Man and Bo-Bo
While at trainings I introduced my co-workers by the ghetto nicknames I have given them. People aren’t sure if they should call her Patrice, ‘Tricey or what.
Reading is Fundamental
I mentioned once how I made signs and taped them to my co-workers door. One day I noticed that She had taken the most recent two down. So I printed out every single one I had ever done and taped them in chronological order to her door.
Luh Da Kids!
Whenever children come in I rename them and try to give them sugar in some form. My most popular names are Thigh High, Gerberface, Rugrat, Crumbsnatcher and Short Round. I’m also fond of telling the kids how I will beat up someone who is 2 ft or more shorter than me without it weighing on my conscience. But most of all I tell the youngest one’s to break things cause they won’t be held liable for it.
YouTube
I search YouTube all day long and when I find anything that is funny I go and pull it up on co-workers computers with a note that says “press play”. When the boss asks what is so funny I feign ignorance and search for more ammo.
Honesty
For the last month when asked what to put on a flyer or use in a workshop or send in a mailing my response has been, “Sit down and shut your punk ass up.” I also got a dirty look when at a training and asked about methods I mentioned something about hitting kids in the throat and sitting on their chest. People also didn’t like me responding to a question about how to help clients remember that “Pain is the ultimate teacher“.
